Q: Steve! Steve! Steve! Buster Olney from ESPN. The Phillies have a real problem on their hands – they’ve got perennial All-Star Jim Thome at first and Rookie of the Year Ryan Howard waiting in the wings. Something’s got to give, right?

Steve Phillips: That’s a good question, Buster. It sure does. If I’m the general manager of the Phillies, I know in my heart I’ve got to make the right move and trade Ryan Howard. You just can’t change horses like that in the middle of a race. Thome is a proven winner. He makes millions. He is the heart and soul of that team. Ryan Howard might still be playing in Scranton if it weren’t for Jim Thome’s elbow. Next question!

Q: Steve! Steve! Steve! John Kruk from Baseball Tonight. When you go to sleep, do you still see Al Leiter throwing that pitch to Luis Sojo?

Steve Phillips: No comment! Next question!

Q: Steve! Steve! Steve! Jeremy Schaap here. What are your thoughts on Bobby V winning it all overseas?

Steve Phillips: Bobby is an old friend, and I miss him dearly, and I wish him only the best over there. It’s funny, I was having dinner with him a while back, when I was over there fake-negotiating the merger of Orix and Houlihan, and he made a little joke. He said, “Steve, you know how they got Al Capone, don’t you? Tax evasion.” We laughed about it then, but it’s a shame those words came back to haunt him. Insider trading charges are very hard to beat, but for Mary’s sake I’m hoping he gets off with a hefty fine and the obvious shame that will be visited upon his family for generations to come. If Bobby can hear this from whatever horrific Japanese prison they’ve got him sequestered in, don’t give up! If the Ham Fighters don’t want you back, the Devil Rays probably will. Next question!

Q: Steve! Steve! Steve! Mario Lopez here from ESPN Hollywood. If you could travel back in time and nail Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Elizabeth Berkley, or Lark Voorhies, which one would it be and why?

Steve Phillips: You know, this whole “Saved by the Bell” nostalgia is tired. As reporters, you guys should know a dead horse when you see one. So since this is my press conference, I’m going to switch it up a little and take another early-90’s teen idol: Candace Cameron as D.J. Tanner on “Full House.” I got to know Candace when I was fake general managing the Calgary Flames. She and her husband Valeri and I share many of the same values and beliefs, and if I weren’t a married man, I’d gladly slip it in her five-hole. Metaphorically speaking, of course. But we make choices in life, and our organizational philosophy demands that we make the most of those decisions and live up to a higher standard. So I guess my answer is that ESPN is like a big family. Next question!

Q: Steve, this is Peter Gammons. I’ve got a follow-up on Mario’s last question: Angie Harmon or Jill Hennessey?

Steve Phillips: Good question, Peter. Hmm. I guess I’d have to say Angie Harmon, no doubt about it. I got to know Angie very well when I was fake general manager of the New York Giants. I once pretended to trade Jason Sehorn to the Miami Dolphins for a fourth-round draft pick and a month’s worth of rentals at Blockbuster Video, and Angie was just devastated. You’d think that a glamorous actress like her would give anything to be at the nexus of celebrity life, but Angie was perfectly happy living among the cogeneration facilities and rendering plants and running in fear from the Jersey Devil at night.

Q: Steve! Chris Berman, “Baseball Tonight.” What I want to ask you is this: how does one man get his hair to stay in such a perfect helmet shape under these hot lights?

Steve Phillips: Again, I want to reiterate that I can only speak for myself and my organization here. But I swear by Kiehl’s Malleable Molding Paste. I like to take a big glop of it and smear it in there good and thick. Then I blow-dry for ten or fifteen minutes. Try it sometime.

Q: Steve! Steve! Sal Paolantonio here. What can you tell us about the Terrell Owens situation?

Steve Phillips, former general manager of the 2000 NL Champion New York Mets, is a regular contributor to BBTN.