Spart-Daddy here. Listen, I asked some of the other people in the league to give me a brief write-up of who they are and how they plan to draft on Saturday morning. (We will also have a special secret guest or two but I am not going to tell you because that will make you shiver with antici……pation. (10 Spart-points if you get that.) Here are some of their (sadly, lame) entries.

Hee Seop Choi (TEAM: The Hee Has Hit Them)

Personal Statement: I hope to return the eyes to teamwork and the strike zone this year for real and for fake!

Pre-draft strategy: There are many worthy players – the brothers I never knew I would ever want – that are played for unworthiness every year by managers both fired and soon-to-be-fired.  I hope to give them – the players, not the managers – a home on my bench, and a chance to eat at home plate, so that they may stand up and count towards those statistics that mean something, if only to me in lieu of themselves.  I am sure that winning will be that much easier this way, instead of losing!

Tedd Getman (TEAM: Unicorns) CONTEST WINNER!

Personal statement:I am almost always drunk, but I am only twenty two so it is okay.

Pre-draft strategy: I will be unable to take part in the live draft but my pre draft strategy is as follows. Pre-rank guys who hit dingers and get on base a ton very highly.  In regards to pitching draft guys who throw a ton of strike outs and very few walks. If they win games too that is a plus. Go Twins.

Anna Ex-Benson (TEAM: I Love Fastballs!)

Personal statement: I am a strong independent woman who loves her country and speaks her mind. Apparently, some people, including so-called “men” who now pitch for a last-place team in the murder capital of the U.S., can’t deal with that. But that doesn’t matter, as my vengeance will be painful and protracted. Also, I have the best rack here, and if I want to show that in an adorable Sexy Mrs. Claus costume, that is my god-given right.

Pre-draft strategy: Right now, it involves champagne, lobster, and prescription medication. If I wake up in time, I will also check out my “little black book” under the “best asses in uni” category. The room is spinnnign a little bi.t I donot feel so well

Gerard Cosloy (TEAM: Gyroballed)

Personal statement: former field hockey columnist for a Massachusetts penny saver, hoping to emulate the recent work of ‘Fantasyland”s Sam Walker.  My parent company, Cumbucket Media, has bankrolled this endeavor.  Have hired a research assistant — he doesn’t know dick about baseball but seems very good at mowing the lawn.

Pre-draft strategy:  to combine the teachings of Sun Tzu, John Benson, Neil Strauss and M. Scott Peck (in that order) — a powerful, Greg Anderson-esque cocktail that will have my opponents looking down on me with respect, if not fear.

Baseball Mike (TEAM: The LA Angels of Chicago) CONTEST WINNER!

Personal statement: Baseball Mike lives along the Chicago River and cultivates his collection of frozen sperm from Major League ballplayers by night.

Pre-draft strategy: Baseball Mike’s pre-draft regimen commences with 40 days of fasting. This period of introspection is marked by intense research using the standard texts: The Bill James Handbook, Baseball Prospectus, the Torah, Ron Shandler’s Baseball Forecaster, and the Necronomicon by the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred. Mike’s efforts culminate in a seven day mock draft in which he sits around a table with wicker dummies representing his competing players. After all possible drafting possibilities are exhausted, Mike marks the end of the mock draft with “high tea,” a sort of quasi meal between lunch and dinner that’s enjoyed with tea (of course) and usually some sort of biscuit, or pastry. It’s very common in England but has yet to catch on in Chicago.

As the league’s draft approaches, Mike will compile a document ranking players in tiers, aiming to balance position scarcity with category scarcity. He will probably do this at his day job. He looks for value, potential break-outs and rebounding players, but he wouldn’t touch Mike Lowell with a ten-foot pole. He has been known to take a chance with a rookie or a prospect.

Rickey Henderson (TEAM: PAY RICKEY)

Personal statement: Rickey Henderson is the greatest leadoff man of all time.

Pre-draft strategy: Rickey Henderson is far too important and busy to complete this form.

Darren “Dutch” Daulton (TEAM: MetaPhys-Ed) CONTEST WINNER!

Personal statement:

Views are infinite

Perspective is my guide now

Single, drunk and free

Pre-draft strategy: Most of my competitors are analyzing players’ historical performances right about now. Why, I don’t know. This season is happening in the future, and last year or the year before is about as relevant as last week’s newspaper.

I will use a combination of astrology charts, psychedelic visions and dream analysis to understand how this season is going to unfold. This Sabrmetrics nonsense is the most dangerous distraction since The Gods invented the BMW. Sacred Geometry, co-incidental numerical occurrences and the harmonies and dis-harmonies in players’ names (also known as advanced numerology) will guide “Meta Phys-Ed” to victory. Nama-ste.

Lew Ford (TEAM: Sudoku Lew)
Personal statement: I play baseball for the Minnesota Twins. I enjoy mind puzzlers, brain teasers, and the movie Pi. I also really like role-playing games, but not as much as Curt Schilling, roffle.

Pre-draft strategy: I’m kind of in the middle of getting ready for the season, so I haven’t had much time to prepare for this draft. But I already have like eight fantasy teams, so I’ll just go with my gut. Well, not technically with my gut, that would be gross.

Shawn Lee (TEAM: Sugar Boogers) CONTEST WINNER
Personal statement:Reggie’s 3 HRs turned my 8-year old self into a lifelong Yankee fan. Now I’m the straw that stirs the drink.

Pre-draft strategy:Read Hee Seop’s “Where is the Love For…” columns. Then read them again.

Morganna, the Kissing Bandit (TEAM: The Big Kissers)
Personal statement: M-Wah!

Pre-draft strategy: Kissable corner infielders first (closer to the seats, see?) then other players, ranked on smoochability (well, the first 150 or so anyway). What is this ‘position scarcity’ people speak of?

Spartacus (TEAM: The Abe PECOTAs)
Personal statement: I got a rocket in my pocket, a mojo hand encrusted with pimp rings, and a cobra snake for a necktie.

Pre-draft strategy: To figure out a way to get all my competitors’ pre-draft strategies. I JUST SCHOOLED ALL Y’ALL. And if you think I’m giving up my hard-earned knowledge, then you got lime in yr coconut.