Hello. My name is Juan Pierre. I play outfield for the Florida Marlins, and I’m known as a pretty speedy guy on the ol’ base paths. That’s why the good folks at Yard Work asked me to do this little preview about who the real burners are in this World Series, and which guys are the real…well, let’s just say non-burners.

Okay, when you’re talking about fast people, you pretty much have to start with…ME! Hahaha! Actually, I’m not kidding. I could outrace anyone on either of these two teams with one leg tied behind my back and the other one eating jerk chicken with a spoon out of Lou Piniella’s severed head. Not that I would do that.

(By the way, how psyched am I that Joe Girardi is making his managing debut here next year? I know he’s going to bring the gravity and experience that we need here on the ol’ ballclub. Joe will settle Miggy Cabs right down real quick, just see if he doesn’t! We’re gonna make A.J. Burnett sorry he ever left this team, yes indeedy doo!)

But both these teams have really quick fellows. On the one hand, you have White Sox leadoff guy Scott Podsednik. Man, is that dude relatively fast! His speciality is stealing bases — hey, he stole a couple more than I did this year! But he also got thrown out ten more times than me, so that’s not so good. And, while he doesn’t get on base as much as some pencil-neck journalists want him to, he was still at a .351 OBP this year, which isn’t really all that bad. In fact, it was much better than mine this year, and I’m supposed to be good! So I’m gonna insist you give ol’ Scotty Pods (I can call him this, we’re down, we partied a couple times back when he was with the Brewers) some props, he deserves ’em. And hey, he gives all old fat Chicago white guys someone to root for, and that’s important.

As for the Astros, the only guy there who can actually run is Willy Taveras. He’s actually much worse at getting on base than either me or Pods. And he only stole 34 bases this year, but I guess that’s okay for a rookie. His big claim to fame is “infield hits,” which he gets a lot of. But all that means is that he can’t hit the ball out of the infield, so I wouldn’t be bragging about that if I were him. Willy T has some pop — he hit one more home run than I did this year, but it was a down year for me, stupid IBS flareups — but he’s the only person who can do more than waddle on that team. Seriously, have you seen an slower bunch of guys than the Astros? Lance Berkman runs like a jack o’lantern on Midol, Biggio has lost about eighteen steps, and don’t even get me started about Lane or Lamb or whoever. Even Phil Garner’s mustache is slow. So, yeah, little buddy better step up in the World Series.

Actually, he probably doesn’t have to. Everyone in baseball KNOWS that stealing bases and getting infield hits is bullshit. Of course we do, we’re not stupid. But here’s the way we look at it: it makes the fans happy to see us fast dudes getting all wheely out there. And if it makes the fans happy, then it makes the owner happy, and the owner gives the manager a raise, and the manager plays us more, so we have to run more. Sure, it’s a vicious cycle, but who cares, they don’t call this The Show for nothing. I love making people happy, especially our fans. If that was my team in the World Series, I’d be hustling on every play, smiling and not chewing gun, nice neat uniform all messed up with dirt,, crooked cap, the whole shebang.

Oh, wait, I promised to say who the slow guys are on these teams. How about this: ALL OF THEM except the two above. As far as “will speed help either team,” the answer is NO. I guess I don’t have anything else to say about that.

Juan Pierre is an outfielder for the Florida Marlins. He was born in Mobile, Alabama.