Dear Mr. Jim Tracy Who May Or May Not Know How To Read:

Matt F*cking Perisho is the punchline to a joke that you laugh at only because you’re shocked at how tasteless and disgusting the joke is. Matt F*cking Perisho seems to have a job in the major leagues because he is a left-handed thrower, and like most spawn of Satan (cf. high-ranking Republicans, A Simple Plan, Breckin Meyer, Tony Fossas), he succeeds in spite of his close ties with the underworld. (A godless world, this is.) What’s most peculiar about Matt F*cking Perisho is that he has an awful career line. I mean woefully awful. That Baldwin brother trying to lose weight on VH1 awful. To wit (not that you’d know what wit is, Mr. Jim Tracy Who May Or May Not Have An IQ That Barely Clears Double Digits):

270 IP, 340 H, 157 BB

That’s right, kids: Matt F*cking Perisho has given up 497 baserunners in 270 innings worth of work in his career. Why, golly gee, that’s nearly 2 baserunners per inning pitched! Y’know, looking at those numbers, one might find themselves asking, “well, gee, Hee Sop, how does Matt F*cking Perisho manage to cash Major League bucks with an awful career line like that?” The answer, kids, has something to do w/ the fetishistic nature of some organizations when it comes to folks w/ “experience”.

Say a decent team (like the 1997 Anaheim Angels) brings up Matt F*cking Perisho to lose them a few games, since winning the division is way too much pressure oh wow! Well, now he’s got experience pitching in the major leagues, and no doubt some other half-way decent team (like the 1998 Texas Rangers) would kill a baby girl to get that sort of savvy veteran suckage on their squad. And then it’s just a perpetual cycle of circle-jerking and mutually-assured back-scratching, where organizations go w/ the known quality instead of giving some unknown kid a chance to shine. Even though, once upon a time, Matt F*cking Perisho was an rookie with the “upside”. Now, he’s a veteran that needs to get whacked upside his head. Note to kids that dream to suck at the major league level – being a leftie doesn’t hurt. It should, though, the way Matt F*cking Perisho has generously contributed to the hitting stats of hitters in both leagues.

And the really funny thing (sad funny, of course) about Matt F*cking Perisho (a leftie, as I mentioned before) (power of Christ and all that good stuff) is that he is awful against lefties:

84.2 IP, 110 H, 54 BB

Almost got that 2.00 WHIP, Matt! Keep on trying! Wax on, wax off, y’know? Crane stance, F*cker! To be fair, he’s equally piss-poor against righties. But, still, with two guys on base this fine evening, and yours truly chomping at the bit to get some of this hott rally action, and Trader Jack swapping out one stiff (Brian “Shineball” Moehler) for another (Matt F*cking Perisho), what does Mr. Jim Tracy, Subliterate At Large do? Why, he goes by the book and brings in the right-handed pinch hitter to bat for poor old Hee Sop Choi, because lefties are his kryptonite. (The book in question, in case you’re wondering = The Celery Stalks at Midnight. Or The DaVinci Code. Or maybe a Dickie V autobiography.) And also, what good is a bench if you don’t use it, right? Making moves is what managers do, because that’s what they’re there for, to make moves. Yeah!

And what does my boy Olmedo do? Why, he flies out to center field against Matt F*cking Perisho! No doubt my boy Olmedo can swing the bat, but, hell, given Matt F*cking Perisho’s tendency to SUCK, you could have a Dodger dog at the plate and he’d still walk you. But, hey, why bring up the heart of the lineup when you’re making a rally? (Hey – did I mention I batted 2nd today? I got a hit, too! Jim Tracy, he good! Coach was so proud, we went out for Slushies after the game! Wheeee!)

So, yeah, I don’t mean to beat my own drum again, but COME ON! MATT F*CKING PERISHO. Say his name enough times, and he’ll come to your house and throw a 75 MPH fastball through your bay window. And he’ll still get paid, too! Consider this a WHERE IS THE LOVE FOR PITCHERS THAT AREN’T MATT F*CKING PERISHO public service announcement. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some Saki to drink.

PS – Hello, E$PN overlords. I AM A LOS ANGELES DODGER. It might behoove you to, y’know, find a pic of me as one? If anyone out there can actually find a pic of me, Hee Sop Choi, as a Dodger, proudly sporting the uni that Mr. Jim Tracy, Blockhead continues to dishonor, send it to the Yard Work address. Much thanks. Now, I drink!