“It has come to our organization’s attention that the Boston Globe will run a story by Bob Ryan this week announcing that the injury to pitcher Curt Schilling’s ankle is so severe that he may not return this season. The Boston Red Sox flatly deny this charge, and are angered by this gross journalistic malpractice by Mr. Ryan. The story is false, and Mr. Ryan’s column relies on innuendo and an overactive imagination rather than facts.

“Someone once said that 90% of baseball is half mental, and as a Yale graduate, I know that those numbers don’t add up. At least 90% of baseball is public relations, especially here in Boston. And so the truth of the matter is, Mr. Schilling’s ankle is not injured at all. His offseason recovery went smoothly, and he has been ready to pitch all season long. The Red Sox organization simply decided that the team would be better served by employing Mr. Schilling as an emissary for the organization, and we are happy to report that he leapt into the role whole-heartedly.

“Mr. Schilling has so enthusiastically represented the team on talk radio, Internet message boards and video games and even the floor of the Senate, that he frankly has no time to pitch at the moment. The public relations firm that has helped Mr. Schilling with this endeavor — Shore and Kutcher — is working toward lessening his load so that he may return to the field. But public relations is a serious business, and I defer to the professionals on such matters.

“Red Sox fans should rest assure that this organization is committed to defending our World Series title, whether it be on the field or on the talk shows. Without Curt Schilling we would not have been victorious in 2004, and his presence is equally important in this season’s media wars as well. Thank you, and be sure to watch Mr. Schilling toss the opening tip for the 2005 WNBA season, and be on the lookout for appearances on upcoming episodes of The OC, Hollywood Squares and Henry’s Film Corner on IFC, as well as your local Wal-Mart.”