Qyntel:
I was housesitting for a month last winter for my parents. They have two purebred chows – cute as heck, but such a pain! I’d let them outside for their business, but they’d never come back in! Every time I went to let them in (because they’d be @ the door, snorting & whatever), they’d run away. I even left the door wide open IN WINTER, and they still wouldn’t come in. My question: what kind of poison should I slip into their food?

— Antoine in Ann Arbor

Q: Antoine, you’ve got four real choices in the warfarin family of anticoagulants: broudifacoum, bromadiolone, diphacinone, and pindone. Bromadiolone and pindone are long-acting poisons; those chows could be slamming into walls and emitting haunting, guttural moans for three or four days, depending on dosage, and there’s no way you can play “Madden” or have a cockfight in your basement with a couple of dogs puking everywhere. I like diphacinone: it’s quick, painless, and they sell it as “Assassin.” That’s a cool-ass name.

Qyntel:
I have a 12-week-old kitten named Bobo. Bobo’s got a big problem – whenever it’s bedtime, he runs into the master bedroom and starts tearing up my comforter. How can I keep him out of there?

— Paula in Bloomington

Q: I had the same problem with my pit bull Sweetness, who used to run into the room where me and my girl were kickin’ it. I didn’t blame Sweetness – I would have wanted a piece of that too! – but my girl wasn’t really into it, you know? So I kept a bottle of water right by the bed; if Sweetness came in and started drooling and pawing all over the place, I’d just reach over and give him a squirt. See if that helps.

Qyntel:
Ferret or marmot?

— Floyd in Raleigh

Q: Ferret! What the fuck is a marmot?

Qyntel:
I am 17 years old and live in a small town in West Virginia. I have been dating my boyfriend for four months. He really wants me to go “all the way” with him, but I’m not sure I feel ready. He says it’s no big deal, but I want my first time to be special. What do you think I should do?

ps. He even bought me a kitten! If I don’t have sex with him, do I have to give Peaches back?

— Anxious in Wheeling

Q: Girl, this is a tough one. You need to look deep in your heart and ask yourself if you love your man. If your heart says yes, then by all means, girl, let him get all up in your guts.

As for Peaches? He’s yours. Men need manly names for their pets – Sweetness, Hollywood, Killer, and Snoop are Qyntel-approved pet names. Peaches, Fluffy, and Boots are some bullshit.

Qyntel:
Remember when we were joking around one night and got my Rottweiler Big Shug high? Now the dog keeps trying to poke his nose in whenever I’m getting my smoke on. What can I do?

— Damon in Memphis

Q: Dame, I learned a lot when I was in rehab. Marijuana is addictive! So there might not be anything you can do about it. Dogs need weed too. Maybe you can ask Big Shug to put five on it.

Qyntel:
Lately, my pet hamster Mr. Snuffles has been hiding in a big pile of cedar shavings whenever I’ve tried to play with him. What’s going on?

— Deborah in Albany

Q: Yo, Debbie. You need to teach that hamster to fight.

Former Portland Trail Blazer Qyntel Woods writes his syndicated “Animal Kingdom” column as part of a court-ordered plea bargain.