Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville. Welcome to Yard Work. As a star of various MTV television shows and Hollywood feature films, I have found myself in various predicaments that some members of the establishment might term “extreme”. I’ve artificially inseminated a cow. I’ve had Jai Alai players throw oranges at my non-padded derierre. And I’ve seen Chris Pontius naked more often than I’d care to remember. As a veteran of such stunts and activities, I’d like to take this opportunity to address an issue concerning the recent antics of some of the fine folks that play professional baseball.

Just over a month ago, Mr. Mark Buerhle was reprimanded by the management of the Chicago White Sox baseball club for sliding on his belly during a rain delay. More recently, Mr. John Wetteland, bullpen coach for the Nationals of Washington, DC, was fired due to “a long line of transgressions and insubordination that was affecting the chemistry of his relief corps.”

It’s another in a long line of parental-type chidings that baseball owners throw at their players when they do something they think shouldn’t be done. Now how harmless springtime fun earns Mark a stern reprimand and John a pink slip, while the wrestling antics of AJ Pierzynski and the outlandish misdemeanors of Lastings Milledge don’t even earn a turn-and-cough, I don’t know. But I won’t get into that here. Instead, in the interest of keeping baseball’s freewheeling spirit healthy and wealthy, and to make sure Major League Baseball doesn’t turn into Major League Boreball, here are some recommended leisurely pasttimes that free spirits could participate in.

1) BIG LEAGUE CHEW: A guy with Mark’s ample physique would be a natural at this up-and-coming professional sport. Don’t think that competitive eaters are all fatties. Heck, one of the best eaters out there is a 50-pound woman! You have to be in serious shape to be able to chew and swallow (and digest) tons of hotdogs and cheese fries and salad. And, unlike pitching, it’s a natural thing. After all, everyone has to eat, right? So why not (if you’ll pardon the pun) add a little spice? Maybe have some post-game throwdowns over the deli platter? A little jalapeno hazing? Sanctioned interteam eating competitions would be a great way to unwind and also bond with your teammates without the use of substances of various levels of control. And, on a personal note, I’d love to see ample fellows like Prince Fielder or David Wells executing the Kobayashi shimmy.

2) RESIN D’ETRE: The resin bag is one of those things unique to baseball. You see pitchers toss and bounce the thing around like a potato-sized hacky-sack, but there’s so much more to do with it. For instance, you could open up the resin bag and sprinkle the contents on some jelly donuts for a post-game spread to die for. Or fill the resin bag with rocks and find out who’s wearing a cup. Or you could take a page out of Fight Club and replacing the resin with lye. If you have a rookie on your team, get him to stick the lye bag in his jock after the pre-game workout. As Yankee great John Sterling might say – burn baby burn!

3) GRANDSTAND SLIP-N-SLIDE: Never mind the field tarp – why not put those covered up center-field bleacher seats or far-gone mezzanine sections to good use when it rains? Imagine the distance you’ll get sliding across twenty to thirty rows of seatbacks. The gambling sort can also turn this into a wagering contest, seeing how far they fly over the center field wall (or the edge of the third deck). You could do it pre-game, when not many folks are going to be around (aside from teammates, and scared-silly front office personnel). However, to ensure yourself fan favorite status, I suggest heading out there in the 3rd or 4th inning, stuffing a pillow or two under your jersey, and going for it Bernie Brewer style. It’s also a great stress reliever, and you’re bound to make friends with the fellas (and ladies) as you zip by. Win win!

4) UMPIRE SUMO WRESTLING: Just like the label says. Umpire gear + two game ballplayers + on-deck circle or pitcher’s mound = a sport of champions the ancient Greeks would gladly include in the Olympics. Who needs an inflatable sumo suit when you have a chest protector? A perfect activity for the pitcher and hitter that want to settle their inner animosities towards each other without throwing broken bats. Dropkicks, noogies, and, of course, in case Pedro wants to take on Don Zimmer again, bodyslams will be allowed. And, to make sure the matches are on the up and up, scoring will be provided by the fine folks at QuesTec. In honor of Eric Gregg (RIP).

5) HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS: If former phenom Joe Charbonneau could fit a whole baseball into his mouth, then there’s no reason why four strapping young lads can’t lie on the ground, open their pieholes, and take a few fungoed Spaldings in the face and/or teeth. Think of this as extreme pepper. Whoever passes out last, or gets bloody last, wins. Bonus points if you pull a Charbonneau and get a ball in your mouth so far that your jaw needs to be unhinged. Automatic victory if you pull a Steve-O and hit yourself in the face with a hammer to knock the ball free without knocking yourself silly.

And last, but most certainly not least:

6) THE HIDDEN BALL TRICK: Use your imagination. And maybe a roofie or two. And lots of petroleum jelly.

The important thing to remember here: the word PLAY is a key part of BASEBALL PLAYER. All work and no play makes baseball a crap sport. Hopefully, my suggestions can help put that sense of fun back in America’s pasttime. (And remember kids: don’t try any of this stuff at home. Unless your parent’s aren’t around – in that case, as Larry The Cable Guy would say, git r done!)

Johnny Knoxville was knocked unconscious 3 times during making of Jackass: The Movie.