Lord, we humbly bow before you, offering our most sincere prayers in our country’s time of need. The New York Yankees’ 8-5 record in September is one of the few positive outcomes of Hurricane Katrina. When they make it to October — there is no “if”, there is no try, because I know they will do it — when they are marching through the playoffs they will look back on that storm as a sign from You, Lord Jesus, that this was their time to play their best baseball of the season and overtake those self-proclaimed godless idiots of Boston. The Yankees play the game with the utmost respect for Your teachings, their untold millions of salary dollars are a testament to Your grace.

We have seen you smote the nonbelievers with a wave of your palm. We have witnessed the Red Sox’s lead dwindle more and more by the day, as they continue to refuse to accept You, the Lord Jesus Christ, as their savior. Curt Schilling and Trot Nixon cannot carry Your burden alone. Your mighty power manifests itself in Head Idiot Johnny Damon’s shoulder injury, and for that, Lord, we thank You. But we fear that is not enough. The deficit may be down to 1.5 games, but we cannot revel in the Yankees’ salvation until that deficit is totally erased and the season ends. Each game that the Yankees play in October is one more game that can be used to spread the message of Christ to the multitudes of Jews and homosexuals in New York whose lives have been led astray by the evil hand of Satan. We are kneeling before You, asking for one more injury to a Red Sox player. We care not which player You choose, as long as his injury is non-life threatening yet debilitating to his playing ability. And we shall give thanks, Amen.

But Lord, our work is not done as long as the Oakland A’s remain in the playoff hunt. This crew of long-haired California rock and roll devil-worshippers are currently tied for their division lead. They have been the hottest team in baseball for months, spurred on not by their faith, but by their addiction to illegal hallucigens and their soulless search for the West Coast’s hottest girls ever. Their lives are a teeming nest of vile sin. One needs to take only a brief glance into the blank eyes of Barry Zito or Jay Payton to pay witness to their spiritual emptiness. Their lives are empty husks which have been filled by Satan, causing them to function only in the name of greed and hedonism. Their title of their autobiography, the aptly named “Moneyball”, leaves no doubt that they are slaves to the almighty dollar, for this is what Satan has commanded them to do. Take them down, Jesus, and kill their pennant hopes so that the Yankees’ playoff aspirations can live. You have struck down Rich Harden and Bobby Crosby with Your vengeance, but we ask You for one more injury to ensure the timely demise of this club of evil-doers. Satan has had his time to round the bases in Oakland, now it is time for You, Our Lord and Savior, to knock the ball out of the park and knock Oakland out of the AL West pennant race.

Thank You Jesus, and Amen.