Breathe easy. Breathe easy. We’re in the playoffs.

After a week of biting my nails in front of the TiVo, David Ortiz’s heroics, and late-night panic sessions on the phone with Dad, we made it. We made it.

Now can somebody explain to me why the Yankees won the AL pennant even though they had the same record as the Red Sox? When did baseball turn into the NFL, where head-to-head matchups matter? I never heard anybody say a word about the importance of head-to-head matchups until the last weekend of the season. What’s next, home run hitting contests instead of playing extra innings?

I’m sick. Food doesn’t taste good anymore. I can’t sleep through the night. In anticipation of each 7:05 PM start, I’m so nervous that I have to go dry heave on the lawn in order to relieve myself before the game starts. My girlfriend won’t have anything to do with me when I’m like this, and you know what, I don’t care. She grew up in Des Moines and doesn’t have a clue what it was like to grow up a Red Sox fan. I don’t have time to think about her right now because what looked to be unthinkable a few weeks ago is now a blunt reality — Boston and New York are tied in the standings. My body is violently shaking as I type this and I seriously don’t think that I can retain my composure in any social situations until either the Red Sox win another World Series or Derek Jeter gets impaled on the tip of a rusty spear. I figured you would understand what I’m going through.
— Larry S, Boston MA

I received approximately 2500 emails just like this one during the last ten games of the season. This was going to be a reader email column, but it was far too painful to review them all after watching the Red Sox get thumped 14-2 at the hands of the suddenly threatening White Sox, who have now won six straight dating back to the end of the regular season. So, I sat at the computer, called an audible, and decided to turn this column into a mailbag. No Red Sox questions allowed. Let’s go.

What’s more morbid: the quest for a new Left Eye or the quest for a new Michael Hutchence?
— Julie T, Lincoln, NS

SG:Michael Hutchence, no contest. Left Eye died in a car crash, which can happen to anybody. But dying by asphyxiation from a self-pleasuring experiment, that’s a different story. Can a person’s death officially be called a tragedy when nobody can recall the cause of death while keeping a straight face? Is there an Unintentional Comedy scale for death? So obviously, due to the strange and unusual circumstances surrounding Hutchence’s death, the search for his replacement is considerably more morbid and creepy. But the band made a good choice with JD Fortune, even if he does look a bit too much like that singer from the Killers.

What is the 80’s music equivalent of the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry? I’m not sure what the best answer is, but surely some members of the Smiths are involved?
– Fred G., Chicago, IL

SG:[I know what you’re thinking — there aren’t supposed to be any Red Sox questions! But this isn’t a Red Sox question, it’s a Sox-Yanks question. Totally different things.]

You might be on to something with the Smiths, but after they broke up, Morrissey started his solo career and the others sorta vanished, and they didn’t really interact with each other at all after that. So as far as I can see, there’s no real rivalry to speak of, at least until the lawsuits started flying but that didn’t happen until the 90’s.

The best analogy I could come up with is Arcadia vs The Power Station. Duran Duran virtually created MTV, sold millions of records, and no longer had anything to prove in the music industry. So they broke up and formed those bands more or less to spite each other. They spent the second half of the 80’s sniping at each other and each had pretty good success when all was said and done.

The Power Station convinced Robert Palmer to be their singer, which is the 80’s music equivalent of the Yankees trading for ARod. TPS didn’t need Palmer, they would have been hugely successful even if they had brought in some unknown singer and coasted on the fame of the unrelated Taylor trio. They brought in Palmer to stick it to Rhodes and LeBon, just because they could.

No word on whether Arcadia tried to recruit Palmer as well (to make the analogy that much more complete).

How the hell did you ever find a girl that would put up w/ your mind-numbing non-informed skeevy bullshit, let alone a girl that will SLEEP WITH YOU on a regular basis w/out you opening up yr wallet?
— Larry B

SG:Where did you get the idea that I found a girl that sleeps with me? Once they get pregnant and pop out your shorty, all bets are off on the nookie front. I miss college, I really do. Back then, you never had to worry about responsibility and honor and stuff. (note to self: MAKE SURE SPORTS GAL DOESN’T READ THIS COLUMN. MUST DELETE INTERNET WHEN I GET HOME)

Are you actually buddy-buddy w/ Chuck Klosterman, or is this a case of keeping your enemies closer?
— Joe D., New York, NY

SG:We disagree about the merits of Coldplay and the social significance of the “OC”, but we’re friends nonetheless. However, you do have a point: if he ever pushed my buttons regarding the Red Sox then he might find himself reeling from a coconut shot to the head. That’s all I’m saying.

On September 13, you said that a Jonathan Papelbon relief appearance against the Blue Jays was the key moment in the Red Sox’s 2005 season. In light of the Yankees subsequently catching and passing the Red Sox in the standings, do you care to revise your statement?
— Pete H., Indianapolis, IN

SG:[This is not a Red Sox question either. It’s equally about the Blue Jays. Totally different things.]

You’re correct. In light of the Blue Jays and Red Sox playing a far more significant series after I wrote that, it’s time for an update. The key moment of the season happened in the 9th inning of that game on the 29th. Ortiz had tied the game in the eighth with his something like his 30th big clutch hit of the month (I lost count midway through September. You know, we need a new name for what Papi does on the field, because “clutch” doesn’t seem to cut it anymore. Lots of players are clutch, but Ortiz is on a higher level. He doesn’t clutch games, he seizes them in his hands. If Buck and McCarver can trip over themselves inventing five new phrases every year to tell viewers how great Derek Jeter is, then surely they can find time to think up new descriptors for Ortiz. Right?). Then, Vernon Wells came up for the Blue Jays in the ninth. How many times have you seen your team come back, only to have their opponents take back the lead immediately, breaking the hearts of the fans and the backs of the players? Retiring the Jays in the 9th and giving the Red Sox a chance to win in the bottom of the ninth couldn’t have been more crucial.

Who was on the mound in this situation? Who else but Jonathan Papelbon? And what happened? He enticed a ground ball straight to Edgar Renteria, who fired a perfect throw over to first base for the out. This was a moment, there’s no doubt about it. Remember, the lowly Blue Jays had taken two out of three in the series and were threatening to make it three out of four. Right in the middle of the last week of the season, when every Red Sox game counts. That throw to first said “it’s not going to happen for you guys tonight — this game is OURS”. I’ve been critical of Renteria in the past, but if he doesn’t make that assist, then Wells gets on, the Blue Jays probably go on to win the game, the Yankees come to town ahead by two games instead of one, and the Red Sox are shut out of the postseason. You couldn’t ask for a better play by your shortstop in a game that big. Willie Mays has “The Catch”, but as far as I know, nobody has claimed “The Assist”, leaving it free for the taking. Trust me, 2004 had “The Stolen Base” for Dave Roberts, and 2005 is all about “The Assist” for Edgar Renteria.

My girlfriend’s best friend got married last weekend, and I was supposed to go with her to the wedding. However, with four teams fighting for three playoff spots in the AL, and the wild card up for grabs in the NL, there was no way I could possibly attend. I brought up the subject with her, but of course, she got angry and yelled at me. So I hid out at a buddy’s place where she couldn’t find me and watched MLB Extra Innings for the entire weekend. I’m not sure if my girlfriend ended up to the wedding by herself because we haven’t spoken since and I’m a little bit afraid to call her now. Do you have any advice? Was I justified in ditching the wedding for baseball? Months ago, when I agreed to go with her, how was I to know there would be so many playoff possibilities going into the final weekend?
— Terry D., Victoria, BC

SG:You’re writing to a guy who missed a large chunk of those games because he had a book tour planned months in advance. It’s my vindictive side talking — if I had to miss out, then you should have too. However, my decisions were partly shaped by my own personal interests. I want the book to be a success, so of course I had to go on the tour. But what did you have to gain by going to this wedding and putting up with your girlfriend’s chatty, annoying friends? Agreeing to attend the wedding in the first place was an altruistic move on your part, so morally speaking, at least you have that in your favor.

As for the current status of your relationship, it’s deader than Alan Trammell’s relationship with the Tigers. And just like Trammell, you didn’t do anything horribly wrong, and probably didn’t deserve to be let go. But you’re done. Enjoy the playoffs.