Hey, Ozzie.

I know it’s tough right now, man. It’s like, fuck, dude, we’ve gotta play the Indians in Cleveland this weekend, and they’re on fire more than my dinger after I got back together with my old lady in ’92. But you know what? I laid the lumber on her, and out popped ol’ Billy Jr. here. And if the Sox can just stay the course this weekend, we’ll take the division.

You’ve just got to think positive. I learned a lot in the joint. That prison library was a godsend! Did you know that the collective power of our mental energies can be harnessed and transferred into pure light if our souls are purified by the healing waters found only in, like, Kankakee? It wasn’t until I met my personal spirit guide – who was sharing a cell with me after being incarcerated for thoughtcrime against a puppet state run by the minions of Xenu – that I began to realize the lies I’d been told all my life! It was just like that Queensryche album!

It was not until I began to read the teachings of the Gautama that I came to realize what an ungrounded state of mind I was in. I was always so worried about the future or concerned with the past that I never embraced the “now.” I never communicated with my soul and the eternal aura that surrounds us all. You should meditate, Ozzie. It really helped me in my attempt to commune with the thetans within.

And you’ve gotta quit slouching. I know losing to the Devil Rays sucks, but if you let your guys get discouraged, it’s gonna, like, fuck up everybody’s chakras. You’ve seen the way the Cubs sit. You can’t tell me that Mark Prior’s svanisthana’s properly aligned with his third eye. Do you think Satakarni I would have given up a 15-game lead when he was trying to overthrow the Sunga dynasty?

I’ll tell you what. You get that restraining order dropped and I’ll stop by Comiskey and leave some pamphlets. Nothing serious, just a few snacks for your spiritual appetite. And if that doesn’t work out for you, maybe it’s time to give old Slick Willie a call. Me and the boy can introduce those Cleveland punks to the philosophy of some friends I like to call the Hammer Brothers.

Jack and Sledge.

William Ligue holds a master’s degree in kicking your ass from the School of Hard Knocks.