I bet you didn’t realize that it’s time for another back of DUCK SNORTS. On behalf of those of us at Yard Work, I have to apologize for our sporadic posting schedule of late — I guess we were caught up in the fervor of baseball’s first month like the rest of baseball was! But enough with the excuses. In the immortal words of C&C Music Factory, let’s get this party started!

THE BIG HURT IS NOW HURTING FOR WORK: This past weekend, DH Frank Thomas was released by the Toronto Blue Jays. And just like the way he left the team that drafted him, the Chicago White Sox, there’s no love lost. General Manager J.P. Ricciardi cut bait on the disgruntled and all-around cranky Thomas after a slow start lead to his benching in favor of more productive options, like professional hitter Matt Stairs and slugging catcher Rod Barajas. Baseball Prospectus’ Joe Sheehan wrote an ill-informed rant complaining about this move which I won’t bother linking or quoting, since the only thing that’s worth a darn in it is a Ricciardi quote from the ESPN article I link to: “I don’t know that we have the luxury of waiting two to three months for somebody to kick in because we can’t let this league or this division get away from us.”

I agree with Ricciardi. With the Red Sox off to a hot start, the obvious improvement of the Orioles and Rays, as well as the sleeping giant known as the New York Yankees (you may have heard of them), Toronto has no margin for error. Some might say that Thomas’ similar slow start last year cost the Blue Jays a chance at playoff contention. Players like Lyle Overbay and Shannon Stewart aren’t getting any younger — if the Blue Jays want to make a move, they need to make it now, and getting rid of the Big Hurt is a smart one to make. I’m starting to think the Big Hurt was given that nickname because of what he’s done to the teams he’s been on — the White Sox didn’t win it all until he got hurt, he couldn’t push Oakland over the top, and he’s submarined whatever chances the once-proud Toronto franchise had in shaking up the AL East. Watch out, fans — if Thomas signs with your team, there’s a good chance they’re not going to make the playoffs.

DON’T BELIEVE THE ANTI-HYPE — APRIL COUNTS, TOO: One of the reasons I frown upon the work of folks like “Stat-Happy” Sheehan is that they always seem to be wrong about the same things over and over again, and yet they never learn. One of his favorite topics — his canard, if you will — is that people overreact to how players and teams do in April. They put too much stock in how so-and-so does in a “small sample size,” without thinking about the rest of the season. Sheehan and his computerized lackeys make it sound like April is just extended Spring Training, and that the season doesn’t start until May. Well, here’s a newsflash — a win or home run in April is the same as a win or home run in September. You can’t tell me that the Arizona Diamondbacks are any less or more real than the St. Louis Cardinals, because you don’t know.

My point is that you can only trust what happened in the past up to a certain point. Otherwise, you’re going to find yourself in something my uncle liked to call a “sticky wicket.” (He used to talk about being so deep and far in my aunt’s sticky wickets that he couldn’t get out! That’s rough!) If you keep thinking that someone (like Frank Thomas) is going to rebound from a bad start of the season, then you’re going to end up getting burned. At the same time, if you don’t trust that a player (like Jason Kendall) can continue hitting .350 like he has so far just because he hasn’t done it before, then you’re probably going to get burned from the other end. It’s a no-win situation — either way, you end up making the wrong move. I don’t envy GMs at all. This is why I don’t play fantasy baseball — I have enough trouble managing my own life, let alone the virtual life of 25 baseball players!

BIG PAPI AND PRONK OUT OF JUICE?: Speaking of slow Aprils, two of baseball’s most feared sluggers — Boston’s David Ortiz and Cleveland’s Travis Hafner — have failed to impress thus far this year. The man they call Big Papi is hitting a paltry .160 coming into Monday’s action, with only 2 home runs to his credit. Meanwhile, Project Donkey (as Travis Hafner likes to be known) has his batting average at a lackluster .239, with only 3 home runs under his belt. Both of these hitters have what some people call “old people skills” — this link describes what these skills are.

However, I don’t think these players are doing so badly because they’re getting old like some other players have. I think these declines are a direct result of Major League Baseball’s outstanding drug-testing policy in conjunction with the damning evidence presented in the Mitchell Report. Looking at how these players did before and after the Mitchell Report came out and blew the lid off of the steroid culture in the game, it’s obvious that these two power threats got their power by using any number of available performance enhancers. And now that they’re not able to juice anymore, they’re being exposed as the one-dimensional trick ponies they’ve always been. Here’s hoping that more karmic justice is served over the rest of the baseball season.

David Michael Smithson’s favorite hand in Texas Hold ‘Em is seven-four offsuit.