Magic versus Larry. Kobe versus Shaq. Charles Barkley versus a ten-year-old girl. No sport lends itself to heated mano-y-mano discussions like professional basketball. This is why Hard Wood is proud to present JUMP BALL, a series of posts that will let two folks tackle these controversial and spirited match-ups.

For the inaugural tip, we’re pitting Dallas Mavericks center Erick Dampier against the newest addition to the Burger King menu, Chicken Fries (TM). Representing Dampier is Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. Representing the Chicken Fries (TM) is NBA Hall of Famer, and current Burger King franchisee, Earvin “Magic” Johnson.

CUBAN: This is a joke, right? I should be having a roffle at some know-it-all GTA-III playing dropout that thought this would be some funny ha-ha joke? Well, joke’s on you, brah, because I take this stuff damn serious. I don’t mess around, so get ready for some logistical beatdowns. You want facts? Here’s a fact: anyone that thinks Erick Dampier isn’t one of the top centers in the NBA hasn’t watched basketball since Marv Albert had real hair.

MAGIC: As a former Hall of Famer that is in charge of 30 Burger King franchises, I know what it’s like to keep it real. And I have to say that I would choose deliciously crispy Chicken Fries (TM) over Erick Dampier any day of the month. I am saying that because while Erick might taste like chicken, Chicken Fries (TM) are as close as you can get to chicken without actually getting chicken. If you want a real #1, go to the hole with Chicken Fries (TM).

CUBAN: Speaking of #1: who’s out there right now at the post that’s really worth a damn? You have Shaq, Yao, Duncan (nominally), Z-Ill, and Camby when he’s not whining about having to hit up the local Target for boxers. Who’s left after that? Eddy Curry & his pacemaker? Zo & his trick kidneys? The Candy Man? Brad “Baby Romo” Miller? Please. I could even knock some chumps off that upper echelon list. Zydrunas has no game inside (unless “fear of living above the rim” counts as “game”). Shaq’s a fat floppy Snicker-loving gimp that’s worthless outside the circle. Yao and Camby are both softer than the Snuggle bear on permanent press. And Duncan’s just dull, and I know you folks in San Antone agree.

MAGIC: I know folks agree that the delicious taste of Chicken Fries (TM) is never ever dull. And it’s even harder to not enjoy, or even love. With a plendiferous selection of dipping sauces – Sweet & Sour, Honey Mustard, BBQ, Ranch, and a Buffalo Sauce – you can style and profile your dunking techniques in amazing new ways. And Chicken Fries (TM) come in a 9-piece “meal” size and the economenical 6-piece version, so it’s easy to keep your wallet happy, too, with Chicken Fries (TM).

CUBAN: OK, about the money thing. A lot of you back-seat GMs think Erick Dampier isn’t worth the cost. So what if he got paid $7M last year? It’s about what the market will bear relative to other data points, not about actual worth relative to Joe Schmoe. Of course he’s not worth $7M! Is A-Rod worth $25M? Is Jim Carrey worth $25M? Fuck no. But relative to their peers, they are. Given the type of money that stiffs like Allan Houston and Brian Grant and Penny Hardaway are making, Dampier’s a steal at three times the price! I mean, Penny Hardaway? You assholes are giving me shit for Dampier’s contract, when Penny’s riding the pine to the tune of $15 million dollars? And ALLAN HOUSTON! What, you shitheads giving Zeke a free pass because he had game? Come on!

MAGIC: Burger King believes that everyone’s opinion matters, from the guy that gets to put the rich creamy mayo on everyone’s Whopper, to the Shift Manager that deals with customer complaints and fires people. That’s what Burger King is all about – the community, and that’s what made me really get into it. Being a part of the Burger King family, helping create new and important jobs, promoting entrepreneurship, and bringing the delicious taste of Chicken Fries (TM) to cities all across America and the United States.

CUBAN: Yeah, the fan’s opinion matters my ass. I don’t understand how you fantasy-loving know-it-alls can seriously piss up Dampier’s rope for going 0-9 from the field. His job isn’t to shoot out there, people! Or maybe you forgot that there’s a guy on the Mavs by the name of Dirk Nowitzki. Also, Jason Terry, Josh Howard, Keith Van Horn, etc etc fucking etc. (Also, for fuck’s sake, let me acquaint you with NBA great Dennis Rodman, a guy that scored about as often as AC Green.)

People like to talk about Erick Dampier’s foul trouble. Like they know the slightest thing about basketball. Let me ask you brainiacs a hypothetical question: who’s more qualified to talk about the Mavericks – you, writing in your blog that nobody reads, or me, the BILLIONAIRE OWNER OF THE DALLAS MAVERICKS? I swear, I fucking plow my money into this franchise, and this is the thanks I get.

Dampier is #5 on the scoring depth chart whenever he’s on the floor, because it’s not his job to score. His job is to draw the double-team and kick it out to Dirk & Van Horn for the open J, or to pick up sloppy seconds. He’s there to box out, block shots, clean glass, throw bows, and play defense! Unless you couch jockeys know something I don’t. I mean, God, all I did was go from selling garbage bags to selling Broadcast.com for $5.7 billion dollars. Yeah, I don’t know shit about anything. Please, tell me how to do my job. You fucking idiots.

MAGIC: If I know anything, it’s that Chicken Fries (TM) are great, and should be a large part of any balanced Burger King diet!