So Rickey had a good day, right? Rickey went to a ballgame the other night, and Rickey caught a foul ball. And that’s real good, because Rickey never caught a foul ball before. Now Rickey’s made lots of catches in his Hall of Fame career, and all of them were great, because Rickey makes great catches. But Rickey never caught a foul ball in the stands as a spectator. That was a special moment for Rickey, almost as special as when Rickey won a World Series, but not as special as when Rickey became the greatest of all time.

So you can imagine how Rickey felt when he turns on his brand new Visio HD television to ESPN2, and sees those goofy chumps Mike and Mike making fun of Rickey. Mike and Mike make it sound like I took the ball out of the hands of some kid, like Rickey’s some sort of chump that has nothing better to do than upset kids and steal things that don’t belong to Rickey.

So let’s get some things straight. First of all, of course Rickey’s going to catch the ball instead of the kid. Rickey’s taller than the kid, by at least two feet. Scientists call that Natural Selection. And even if that wasn’t the case, Rickey’s got great ups. That ball was Rickey’s the minute it left the bat, and everyone knew it.

Second, Rickey is a fan of the kids. Rickey loves signing autographs for kids, taking pictures with kids, and even slipping kids some extra cash when folks aren’t looking. Hard to believe, even for Rickey, but Rickey was a kid once upon a time. Rickey knows being a kid is hard work, especially since you can’t make any money as a kid. Rickey remembers doing chores as a kid to get enough money to buy himself some ice cream on the weekend. Rickey cleaned a lot of gutters and pulled a lot of weeds for that Rocky Road, and Rickey don’t want anyone else to do that, too. Rickey’s a fan of hard work, but he’s also a fan of the kids. That’s why Rickey offered an autographed ball to the kid that was next to Rickey when that great catch was made. Rickey doesn’t want anyone to leave empty handed. Rickey is a people person, and that includes kids.

So to all those gum-flapping jibber-jabbering fools like Mike and Mike – the ball was hit to me! Damn right it’s my ball! And Rickey did what Rickey always does when the ball is hit to Rickey! He catches the damn ball! Rickey’s gonna break it down for you. Rickey got the ball, so Rickey’s happy. The kid got an autographed Rickey ball, so you know he’s happy. The press gets another story about Rickey, so they’re happy. So shut up about Rickey, Mike and Mike! Stick to talking about stuff you know, like nothing!

Pay Rickey!