Since the last time I wrote one of these, a lot has happened. I had a baby — well, okay, someone else had the baby, but you know what I’m talking about –, I wrote a book about my beloved Red Sox, and I started playing “The Warriors” on PlayStation, even though none of you have because it’s not out yet, because I am a Very Important Person now. So I haven’t had a lot of time to slog through another of my patented introductions to this year’s NBA Preview. In fact, we’re pretty much just gonna get into it here and now.

This year’s movie quotes will all come from one of the greatest movies of all time: “Big Trouble in Little China,” John Carpenter’s cinematic ode to martial arts movies, buddy movies, monster movies, science fiction movies, love stories that aren’t really love stories, Oriental philosophy, gratuitous profanity, Chinese girls with green eyes, and Kurt Russell doing the best John Wayne impression since Clint Eastwood. Sure, I haven’t rambled on and on about it in any of my other columns, but I figured I’d change things up this time. Plus I think the Sports Fetus has taken my DVD of “Road House,” which is what I was going to use. This is the only one I could find at short notice. But it’s still a great film with many wonderful and appropriate quotes, most of which I’m going to get wrong. Here goes Part I: The Eastern Conference.

15. Toronto Raptors
“Hey, I’m a reasonable guy. But I’ve just experienced some very unreasonable things.”
In the movie, this is Jack Burton (Russell), just an ordinary goodhearted somewhat arrogant truck driver who has stumbled into a whole lot of chaos. In the NBA, this is Toronto, just an ordinary goodhearted somewhat pricey Canadian city which stumbled into a league full of a whole lot of chaos. Remember how they tossed Vince Carter a lifeline and he took it, then screwed them over last year in Operation Vincedown? Remember how he magically turned good again as soon as he got to New Jersey? (Hey, a first time for everything.) Well, that is just NOT VERY CANADIAN. Chris Bosh is going to do his best this year, but who else can rescue this mediocrity of mediocrities from mediocrosity this year? Gun to your head, do YOU trust a team with Raffy Araujo as its starting center and Who Is Mike James running point? I didn’t think so. Moving on.

14. Washington Wizards
“Ok, you people! Sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we’re not back by dawn… call the president.”
Your offense rests on Gilbert Arenas (good), Caron Butler (maybe good), and Antawn Jamison (scary but not in a good way). You’ve just lost Larry Hughes to the Cavs, gotten rid of the mile of suck that was Kwame Brown, and sent the Terptastic duo of Blake and Dixon off to the marijuana fields of PDX. So why does this team make me more nervous than 90210‘s Kelly Taylor getting hit on by House-Fire Lesbian? (By the way…whatever happened to House-Fire Lesbian actress Sara Melson, anyway? Someone’s gotta know this.) Probably because of the Chucky Atkins Factor. Did anyone else realize he went to Washington? Does the Secret Service know? I smell trouble with a capital C.

13. Milwaukee Bucks
“Tall guy. Weird clothes. First you see him, then you don’t.”
I’ve been very hard on Andrew Bogut over the years. I hated him on Utah, I hated him as the first draft pick, and I hate him as the Bucks center. I hate the Bucks. I hate the Brewers too. I hate the Packers except for Brett Favre, who I love. My buddy Chipper says everyone in Milwaukee hates the Bucks and the Brewers and the Packers (except Favre). Whatever Chipper says is automatically true, because he lives in Milwaukee. So yeah, cheeseheads, get ready for a big bogus Bogut experience.

12. Charlotte Bobcats
Jack: “…and go off and rule the universe from beyond the grave…” Lo Pan: “Indeed.” Jack: “…or check into a psycho ward, which ever comes first.”
This immortal exchange between Jack Burton and the evil ancient (David) Lo Pan pretty much typifies how this season will go for the Hornets…um, I mean the Bobcats. On the one hand, their new talent (Okafor, May, Felton) will have a lot of legs. On the other hand, their young talent will make many rookie mistakes. It would probably be better to start Brevin “Don’t Call Me Christopher” Knight for some seasoning, but money talks. At least they have a guy named Primoz and a whole lot of Johnson money. (By the way, Johnson Money is my porn name. Yes, that was me in “Sex Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Stiff.”)

11. Atlanta Hawks
“Nothin’ or double, Jack.”
The great Wang Chi, played by Dennis Dun, is my favorite character in the movie who isn’t played by Kurt Russell. Everyone else talks, but Wang gets things done, whether it’s punching out hundreds of Wing Kong or flying through the air swordfighting with Lightning. I’m pretty sure he was thinking about the Joe Johnson debacle when he kept trying to double down in that open-air Chinatown gambling market. Atlanta wanted Johnson so bad they had to force out one of their own owners…am I alone in thinking that this means that he is the most powerful NBA player of all time? Who else has been able to kick a team’s owner out? Jordan? He couldn’t even stay an owner himself. George Mikan? Meadowlark Lemon? Joe Johnson, you have just doubled down an entire team. You better hope Tyronn Lue and Zaza Pachulia don’t start playing like their names sound. Sadly, they will.

10. New York Knicks
“Shut up, Mr Burton! You were not brought upon this world to get it!”
Two words: Isiah Thomas. Two more words: Larry Brown. Two additional words: Eddy Curry. None of these guys were put on this world to get it. This is going to be another horrible car wreck…and, as Danny Bonaduce tells us every week, we have every right to slow down to watch. Have you been watching “Breaking Bonaduce”? If not, are you crazy? If so, how can this not be the greatest reality show of all time? It’s got drug abuse, alcohol abuse, emotional abuse, eyeliner-wearing-psychologist abuse — if it had more breasts and Jeff Probst, I would be sure I was dead and in heaven. Actually, forget I said that last thing I said.

9. Orlando Magic
“That’s why the bottle didn’t slice. My mind and my spirit are goin’ north and south.”
Another great Wang quote for another very strange team. Can you figure these guys out? Dwight Howard, the hardest-working and most selfless player in the world, vs. Steve Francis, who…um, yeah. You have Grant Hill, a wonderful guy and an inspiration to all, vs. Kelvin Cato, who used to be on the Blazers. In the middle, poor little Jameer Nelson is like Sam Weir, trying to balance being cool with being good, and (probably) failing miserably. This team is so enigmatic that their preview page on NBA.com has a different team’s scouting report. So you tell me if there will be joy in pinstripes this year.

8. Philadelphia 76ers
“All I know is that this Lo Pan character comes out of thin air in the middle of a g*dd*mn alley while his buddies are flying around on wires cutting everybody to shreds while he just STANDS there waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him with LIGHT coming out of his mouth!”
Obviously, we’re talking about Alley I here. The man is, let’s face it, a god. Sadly, he is surrounded by mortals. Actually, there is nothing I can say about the Sixers that wasn’t said better by Simon Stein, a character played by all-time That Guy hall-of-famer Mark Feuerstein in the chick-flick In Her Shoes, which I was dragged to by the Sports Gal the other night. It was really good as chick flicks go, and by “really good” I mean “you get to see Cameron Diaz in her underwear a lot, and Shirley Maclaine might just be the first GMILF in cinematic history.” Anyway, Stein is Toni Collette’s boyfriend in this movie, and is fixated on the Sixers; you know he’s cool because he talks to actual BLACK GUYS about how it doesn’t matter how many points you score if you don’t get back on defense. Kyle Korver — and your hilarious posse — I’m looking at you. Chris Webber, I’m REALLY looking at you. Andre Iggs and Sammy D…well, let’s just say I’m watching all of you.

7. Chicago Bulls
Uncle Chu: “What the hell is Gracie Law doing here?” Jack: “She can’t get enough of me.” Gracie: “Hah! He wishes.”
The Bulls came on strong at the end of last year, playing like they actually cared. We couldn’t get enough of them! But I don’t know what the hell they’re going to do this year. Will Kirk Hinrich’s Spock-like hair help be more coldly logical in breaking down the other team’s defense? Will Tyson Chandler play more like Mike Tyson or like Chandler Bing? Who is Luol Deng and why do I always want to call him LOL OMG WTF Deng? Anyway, Chicago wants to be one of the best teams in the division. Hah, they wishes.

6. Indiana Pacers
“Son of a bitch must pay!”
My favorite Jack Burton quote for my favorite Tru Warier. Does anyone actually think that Ron Artest will not come back with the hugest chip on his shoulder since A.C. Slater got yelled at by his father, Major Slater, over where he was supposed to go to college? Of course not. Ramblin’ Ron will tear his way through the league for exactly 15 games, at which point he will seize a courtside fan, tear out his spleen with his teeth, and then go on an interstate shooting spree that will make Charles Starkweather look like A.C. Green. By then, it won’t matter that Jermaine O will come back colder than air conditioning, that Stephen Jackson will spend too much time worrying about the dress code, and Jamaal Tinsley will spend half the year trying to figure out which Jamaal he is. There’s no way that Rick Carlisle can keep a lid on this powderkeg, because he’s not the Indiana National Guard. But this is the East, so they’ll make the playoffs.

5. Miami Heat
“Henry Swanson’s my name, and excitement’s my game.”
Change “Dwyane Wade” for “Henry Swanson” and you’ll see what I’m talking about. There is no one in the NBA that is more exciting, more raw, more primal, than Dwyane Wade. (Yes, I realize it sounds like I have a crush on him. That might be true.) In fact, I think he’s so good that I hereby promise to never make fun of his alternatively-spelled name ever again. But he’s not good enough to withstand an older, slower Shaquille O’Neal — still the most dominant player in the league, when he’s in good health, which is almost never — a battle between Gary Payton and Randy Moss’ jerkier high school classmate for PG minutes, and Udonis Haslem, whose name I feel like I can bag on with impunity. And I’m pretty sure you all know how I feel about Antoine Walker. Too much drama, too much excitement, too many close losses in the playoffs.

4. New Jersey Nets
Eddie: “And it’s gonna cost. She’s got green eyes.” Gracie: “Oh no, seriously? Oh, that’s an extra to these people. It’s like leather bucket seats, it’s double the price.”
Gracie Law, the spunky immigration lawyer who ends up as Jack’s love interest, is played by Kim Cattrall. This is not old, haggard drag-queen Cattrall, but the young taut version, the one we all fantasized over when she was “Lassie” in the original “Porky’s” movie. Because she also has green eyes, she ends up also being captured by Lo Pan, nearly sacrificed to feed the old man’s need for young female blood. In semi-related news, the Nets will be pretty good this year, especially as long as green-eyed monster Jason Kidd is running the point instead of bitching about the treatment of his wife and kids at away games or posing with them in a bathtub. Vince will just be Vince: gaudy numbers but unreliable in the clutch, kind of like Alex Rodriguez without the purple lipstick. And I’m coming around on Richard Jefferson, except when I see how small his ears are, when I just start screaming and screaming until there’s nothing left inside me. But they’re still not in the top three.

3. Detroit Pistons
“Like I told my last wife, I said, ‘Honey, I never drive faster than I can see, and besides… it’s all in the reflexes.’ “
Obviously, we’re talking about Darko here, who is not only actually driving to the hoop and dunking like he knows what to do, but also just got arrested because his windows are tinted too much. Has anyone actually received a score of 200 on the Unintentional Comedy Meter? I guess I should also say that Ben and Chauncey are great, Rip and Tayshaun are very good, Sheed smokes dope, and Flip Saunders will finally get the chance to fail deeper in the playoffs this year.

2. Cleveland Cavaliers
“We really shook the pillars of heaven, didn’t we, Wang?”
LeBron James LeBron James LeBron James. I have been up for 73 hours. I don’t even know what I’m typing anymore. I am starting to hallucinate. I am a rock, I am an island. Then again, so is LeBron James LeBron James. You can add all the Larrys and Damons you want to, you can have all the Licensed to Ilgauskases you wish, it’s still all about LeBron. I can actually smell my own fear and self-loathing.

1. Boston Celtics
“I feel good, and I’m not scared at all. I just feel kind of… kind of invincible… Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?”
Remember when all the Chang Sings are in the elevator, and they’re all grooving on that magic potion that Egg Shen pours for them? That’s going to be me, this year, when the Boston Celtics join the Red Sox and the Patriots as champions of their league. Let’s face it: we’re due. And with Pierce and Jefferson and Raef and Dan “Actually me and Brian Scalabrine are the best rappers on the Celtics” Dickau…absolutely unstoppable. Even without Tony Allen, whoever he was. It’s a fait accompli. Maybe I can sleep now….