Spring training is really fun! It’s pretty great being in camp for my first full year in the big leagues. I’m one of the guys now, you know? New number, new locker, and Mariano Rivera’s only made me ride my bike into Ybor City to buy him cigars twice so far! Man, if this is what baseball is like, I don’t think I’m ever gonna get sick of it!
The Yankees are trying very hard to protect their young arms. We know we’re the future of the franchise, so we’re happy that they have us on a light schedule of two-a-day simulated games, Halo 3 tournaments with Shelley Duncan, and four hours of long toss with Tony Pena before bed. After all, if we blew our arms out, we wouldn’t be prospects anymore!
It’s also pretty exciting to find out that one of the writers of the most intelligent baseball comedy blog on the Internet is the writer of the most intelligent sitcom on NBC! That’s right, Ken Tremendous from Fire Joe Morgan also does “The Office”! Crazy! Me and Joba and Ian have been really bummed lately due to not having any new Dwight Schrute lines to talk about during long toss, so I’m definitely gonna reread the Fire Joe Morgan archives to discover some good new jokes. Who knows – maybe Ken Tremendous dropped some clues on his blog about what’s really gonna happen with Jim and Pam!
What I don’t get, though, is how come so many people on Yard Work like taking shots at Fire Joe Morgan. Like this Ward York guy. Who does he think he is? “Ward York”? I wasn’t born yesterday! Even I know that “Ward York” is just “Yard Work” with the first letters turned around.
I think the Yard Work guys are just jealous. It’s like all these bloggers and statheads who love to criticize Derek Jeter. Look, if Derek Jeter wasn’t a great shortstop, he wouldn’t have three Gold Gloves. He wouldn’t be the face of Driven, his own cologne. And he wouldn’t be the captain of the Yankees. It’s a sign of respect. Because he’s the best. And if the Fire Joe Morgan guys weren’t funny, would they have jobs writing for the best show on TV (“The Office,” duh!) or for other great shows like Carson Daly or “Crank Yankers”? Exactly.
So on behalf of everybody here at Yard Work, I’d just like to say that I’m really sorry, Fire Joe Morgan. You keep it up. You keep on being you.
(And just so you know, us regular guys in the Yankee clubhouse all thought that joke Carson told about Amy Winehouse and Hillary Clinton going to Applebee’s together the other night was hilarious.)
Contest #1…
Anyway, that brings me to my first contest. Up for grabs is this 1988 Starting Lineup Rickey Henderson figurine. Here’s Rickey “stealing second” on the keyboard of my iMac! LOL!
To win, guess my all-time favorite Fire Joe Morgan takedown. One entry per person, please.
Here are some songs of the day…
1. Cock and Ball Torture – Aphrodisianus
2. Go For a Soda – Kim Mitchell
3. Festering Insalubrious Bowel Hemorrhaging Of Cancerous Pustulosus And Abdominal Abscess Discharge Of The Intestinal Tract – Vomitorial Corpulence
4. Firestorm/Forged in the Flames – Earth Crisis
5. William Bennett Is My Dick – The Gerogerigegege
6. That Nickelback song about Dimebag (RIP!) :(
7. The Unforgiven II – Metallica
8. When Taking a Shit Feels Sexy – Agoraphobic Nosebleed
9. Anthem for the Year 2000 – Silverchair
10. Writing on the Walls – Underoath
Hey, are Underoath a metalcore band or an emo band, anyway? Jeff Marquez swears they’re a metalcore band, but I dunno, Jeff! Still love the song tho. (Jeff says hi BTW.)
Contest #2…
Does anybody want to hook up my WordPress with some new themes or banner graphics? The best animated GIF wins a signed pair of game-used Luis Polonia road pants.
Mailbag time…
Laurie in Yonkers asked: How do you keep from catching colds when you’re handling all those dirty bats and balls all day?
A: Hi Laurie! How do you think I do it? Purell! LOL!
Mike in Philly asked: If you had been on the hill when the midges attacked, what would you have done?
A: Hi Mike! It’s really hard to say. Cleveland is a pretty tough place to pitch anyway – I don’t know if any of us would have done anything differently than Joba did. Maybe I would have tried to scare them off with the flash from my camera phone?
Joe in Clearwater asked: Hi Phil! I don’t really have a question for you. Just checking in to say hi and let you know how excited I am that you’re here. I like looking at you every day, I know that.
A: Aw, thanks, Skip. I like looking at you every day too. :)
Phil Hughes TiVoed “Back to You” last night, so please don’t spoil it for him.
I knew we should’ve stopped after the first sentence.
Not everyone can do satire. It was good for a chuckle at first but it goes on and on and on and doesnt know when to stop.
I thought it was hilarious all the way through
By all means, let’s discourage athletes from communicating directly with fans.
Instead let’s have people read blogs like this that are entirely unfunny.
Holy shit you were funny during the first three paragraphs.
Then you completly lost me after that……..This blog entry was a bad and drawn out as a Dane Cook joke.
mean spirited . . . full of resentment . . . waste of time
Yeah was pretty funny… drawn out but pretty funny…. would have been REALLY funny if you were a professional athlete taking time out of your life to talk about the stuff though … oh wait.
It’s OK, guys. Not everyone can do constructive criticism. It was good at first but you guys go on and on and on and don’t know when to stop.
Yeah — first comment was pretty good but the rest of it was so repetitive. Kind of like the Yankees in autumn. Can I get the last seven years of my life back pleeeeeeze?
As soon as I saw the wigga in the picture at the top I knew this was going to be pathetic.. Hey.. your white, stop flashing gang sings and stop listening to rap.. its not cool to be black…
The hell it’s not!