Dear Mr. George Bodenheimer and Mr. Mark Lazarus,

As the presidents of ABC, ESPN and TNT’s sports divisions, you have tremendous influence on the minds of our nation’s youth. It is not a role that anyone should take lightly. Since founding the A.C. Green Youth Foundation in 1989, I have been deeply committed to helping young people make responsible choices, especially in regards to sexual activity and committing their lives to Jesus Christ, through Whom all things are possible.

For many of the young men and women that I have met through my “I’ve Got the Power” abstinence curriculum, basketball is their number one hobby, and it saddens me that these fine young men and women are confronted by sexual temptations while sitting in their living rooms watching the game that I love. In addition to the cheerleaders, suggestive mascots, in-game music and Eva Longoria sideline shots (see my letters of 3/8/2005, 4/1/2005, 7/6/2005 and 9/21/2005), many of the phrases that your commentators use in your broadcasts are rife with sexual connotations. Below I have supplied a list of the offending phrases, with alternative suggestions.

Ball/Ball Player/Ball Handler/Baller/Loose Ball — “Ball” can be used as a synonym for “testicle,” one of God’s most wonderful creations, but one that our young men should only discuss with their parents, doctors or church elders. Alternative: Basketball/Basketball Player/Basketball Handler/Basketballer/Loose Basketball

Box Out — Used as a euphemism for “vagina,” “box” is one of those words that has been stolen by forces of evil. For example, in the popular rap song “Star Wars Gangsta Rap” by “Weird Al Yankovic,” “Weird Al” raps, “Knock him out the box, Luke. Knock him out.” I cannot be sure what this means, but it is not appropriate for young people, and the NBA should not associate itself with such “Gangsta Rap” any longer. Alternative: Block Out

Double Team — As Jesus said in Mark 10:6-9, “But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.'” Note that it does not say two men and one woman or two women and one man. The NBA should not be in the business of encouraging orgies. Alternative: Defending Doubly

Lay-up/Lay-in — “Lay,” in case you are not aware, is a colloquial term used to describe sex, usually of the promiscuous, pre-marital variety. Obviously a family-friendly enterprise such as the NBA should not condone promiscuous pre-marital sex in any fashion. Alternative: Non-Difficult Basketball Shot

(In case you think me a hypocrite, please know that I have also sent letters on this “lay” matter to the Frito-Lay Corporation, the office of Texas Representative Tom DeLay and the state of Hawaii.)

Length — I have observed a disturbing tendency on the part of basketball pundits to refer to players’ “length.” This seems to be applied to players like Tayshaun Prince, Darius Miles and others, usually with prefixes like “great” or “surprising.” It is clear that only the most depraved of NBA fans care to know the genital dimensions of these players. Pundits need to stop catering to these fans; we would all be better off without them. Alternative: none

Man-to-Man — Your networks’ embrace of the Homosexual Agenda is a problem even larger than this letter. Mr. Bodenheimer, your networks actively endorse and broadcast the Homosexuals’ No. 1 recruiting effort, the WNBA, and televise such personalities as Ellen Degeneres, Chad Ford and Cokie Roberts. For this, you and your family will burn in hell for all eternity.

But back to the subject at hand, “Man-to-Man” quite obviously encourages Homosexual activity, and seeks to normalize it by being applied to the NBA’s most common form of defense. I would argue that we should instead call what are now termed “Trap” defenses “Man-to-Man” and vice versa, because surely there is no bigger trap for a young man than the certain damnation that is homosexuality. Alternative: Trap

One-on-One — While I agree with the fidelity that this phrase implies, the word “on” is grotesque and intensely sexual. Alternative: One-With-One

Rebound — One of the strongest parts of my game as a Laker, rebounding is still a term that I find distasteful. In the secular world, a “rebound” is a phrase referring to a physical relationship taken up after the demise of a prior bond. But what if Jesus had decided to “rebound” after dying on the cross for our sins? Alternative: Board

Score — Love making is not a contest, and “score” is a term that perpetuates that myth. If sex were a competitive sport, then I would have been a big loser for the first 38 years of my life, and we all know that that isn’t the case. Alternative: Achieving Pointed Excellence Through Christ

Upside — I have no idea what this means, but it sounds nasty. Alternative: none.

Yanked — “Yanked,” of course, is synonymous with masturbation, which is specifically forbidden by Genesis 38:7-9. The NBA is in a position of great prominence among the young men and women of today, and it should use its influence to dissuade them from sexual activity which occurs outside of the confines of marriage. As a means of reinforcing the traditional family values which have served America so well for so long, the NBA should insist that its announcers refrain from conduct and language which indirectly condones masturbation, and instead remind viewers of the great responsibility of holy matrimony and ultimate honor of abstinence. Alternative: Replaced With Extreme Prejudice, Politely Asked To Have A Seat

With these simple changes, the NBA can once again become God’s Game. Thanks for your help and support.

In Christ,

A.C.

PS: Any word on changing the NBA slogan from “I Love This Game” to “I Sincerely Enjoy This Game, But I Love Jesus”? I have asked Mr. Stern about this repeatedly without response. Please advise.