Greetings! It is I, The Amazing Criswell, here from beyond the pale shadow of the underworld to talk to you about the future of next year that could come to pass very soon! The world of professional sports is a volatile volcano of ash and volcanic lava, but nothing compares to the virtual Vesuvius that is the professional off-season of baseball in the Major Leagues! To help you prepare for the upcoming season that is coming soon, I will offer you my FEARLESS PREDICTIONS that will come to pass before the oncoming arrival of next April and beyond! Take heed, those of you that dare gaze into these upcoming events, and do not take my warnings lightly – they will come to pass sooner than you may begin to realize!

I PREDICT … that the Toronto Blue Jays will sign Hall-of-Famer-to-be Roger Clemens to a four year contract worth over eighty million American dollars! At the press conference for this signing, General Manager J.P. Riccardi will say, “Roger is one of the greatest pitchers in baseball history and we’re thrilled to welcome him back to the Blue Jays nearly ten years after he signed here hoping to win a World Series.” Clemens and newly-signed Blue Jay A.J. Burnett will then kill each other during a pre-game scuffle involving a fungo bat, a pine tar rag, and a contentious discussion regarding the comical merits of Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall!

I PREDICT … that the San Diego Padres will look to trade Brian Giles, despite having signed him to a lucrative free-agent contract not just a few weeks ago! The Giles signing, in fact, is part of a long-term gambit set in motion by General Manager Kevin Towers, to exact revenge upon the New York Yankees for their humiliating four-game sweep of the Padres in the 1998 World Series. The Padres will trade Giles to the Yankees for Chien-Ming Wang and Robinson Cano while Yankee GM Brian Cashman is getting his car serviced. Wang will win the National League Cy Young Award despite having a 7-21 record. Cano will be demoted to AA after a horrendous 1-for-50 start that culminates in an errant throw killing manager Bruce Bochy’s great-aunt. Giles will play only 40 games his first year with the Yankees, and will be forced to retire. Giles will be remembered most in New York for calling WFAN’s Mike Franscesa a “poor man’s Chris Berman,” a comment that will soon lead to Franscesa being replaced on Mike & The Maddog by NPR senior news analyst (and Philadelphia A’s fan) Daniel Schorr. I cannot forsee how Giles will get hurt, but I PREDICT that Alex Rodrigeuz will be involved!

I PREDICT … that Joe Girardi, new manager of the now-decimated Florida Marlins, will snap and hold Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria at gunpoint, demanding that he “take back” all of the Marlins trades made this offseason. “If I wanted to manage a dead-end team,” he will tell police, “I would’ve taken the bleeping Devil Ray job!” After a standoff that last for almost 48 hours, Girardi will turn himself in after former teammate Jim Leyritz tells him to “man the f*ck up” and “let that fat piece of sh*t stew in his own piss.” Girardi will then resign as Marlins mananger, and become the star of the latest David E. Kelley hour-long drama, Flying Coach. He will play the role of Sparky DaMotto, a former baseball player turned airline pilot, trying to rebuild his life after a Tourette’s outburst during a nationally televised press conference prematurely ended his sports career. The series will also star Joely Fisher as the anorexic love interest, Sean Young as his stepmother, and Powers Boothe as his irrascable, yet lovable, boss. Girardi will win 5 Emmys for his heartwrenching portrayal, despite the show only lasting 16 episodes!

I PREDICT … that, in lieu of contraction, the Kansas City Royals will move to Cuba in 2010, shortly following the death of Fidel Castro and the appointment of a US-controlled puppet regime. They will be called the Havana Humidors. Their mascot will be named Happy Hermano, and he will look suspiciously like the Cleveland Indians’ Chief Wahoo, but with a sombrero, a red, while, and blue serape, and gruff stubble. And, yes, a cigar! They will hire Minnie Minoso as a player / manager and Orlando Hernandez as a player / pitching coach / hitting coach / bullpen catcher. They will win the World Series in their third year, and then lose 100 games their next five seasons. Minoso will only manage for the first seven years of the franchise’s existance, and only play for the first three, before becoming manager of the New York/ New Jersey Tri-State Area Yankees of Brooklyn. He will finish 4th in MVP balloting in 2013, behind the Red Sox’s Wily Mo Pena, the Mariners’ Daniel Almonte, and Humidor reliever / President of Operations Mariano Rivera!

And, finally, I PREDICT … that the following will occur: Alfonso Soriano will play for the Nationals – AS THEIR CATCHER; Mike Piazza will play center field for the Anaheim Angels – and will then be traded to the Milwaukee Brewers for DANNY KOLB; Brad Ausmus will hit 40 home runs – IN THE HOME RUN DERBY; David Ortiz will steal 30 bases – BY THE ALL STAR BREAK; Julio Franco outhits Carlos Delgado, THEN DIES of a heart attack in October caused by his wife, Anna Franco; Larry Bowa will be accused of poisoning Joe Torre, but the culprit will be DON ZIMMER; Sidney Ponson will pitch his team to the League Championship Series; and, not least but last, Mark Prior will win 20 games – IN ONE MONTH!

And that is all I, The Amazing Criswell, have for you this month! Perhaps I will return at a later date in the future to be determined by unknown forces from the present to offer more forseen truths! Or perhaps you would like The Amazing Criswell to predict the answers to questions you may wish to pose, but have not yet been able to speak for fear of being answered! If this is the case you dare to open, then leave your inquiry in the comments section of this post, and I shall return from the cold grip of doom and destruction to offer you insight to what may or may not be the answer that will show you the truth!

As I have said many times in Ed Wood’s Plan 9 From Outer Space – future events such as these will affect YOU in the future, which is where we will spend the rest of our lives! Be safe, gentle readers, and BEWARE!

The Amazing Criswell is a renowned psychic and movie star, and predicted the world would end on August 18, 1999.