If there’s one thing all baseball fans associate with the Boston Red Sox, it’s fine wine. And regardless of whether or not the previous statement is remotely true, next month will see the release of three unique wines that reflect the personalities of Red Sox stars. As a result, bourgeois yahoos from Great Barrington to the Vineyard will spend this summer guzzling Manny Being Merlot, Schilling Schardonnay and Tim Wakefield’s CaberKnuckle, desperately attempting to work up the courage to come out to their wives.

Being the investigative epicures we are, we had to ask: What further vintning had the Red Sox undertaken? Hayden Bronzino, the team’s Managing Oenologist, let us know what we can look for coming down the pike this summer:

Big Papinot Noir – This warm and full-bodied vintage all but embraces your entire mouth as it makes its inevitable circuit around your palate.

Two-Buck ‘Tek: A simple wine that traps flavor like Jason traps pitches in the dirt. Crude yet effective in certain situations.

Youkilisyrah – No one has ever properly pronounced the name of this deceptively complex red. Look for the strong finish, with hints of pear blossom and roasted lamb.

Dustin Madeira – A sweet young dessert wine, with a richness that belies its inexperience. Undertones of roasted cherry and molasses make this an ideal after-dinner wine to enjoy with an aged roquefort, or else a refreshing breakfast wine when poured over pancakes or Belgian waffles.

Mike Lowell’s Hard Cuban Lemonade – Frightening. Seriously, do not drink this. Trust us.

Matsusake – This imported rice wine has barely been sampled in the United States, but if the hefty price tag is any indication, it is mind-blowingly awesome.

Chenin PapelBlanc – Young white grapes are relentlessly pulverized to create this forceful varietal, featuring undertones of banana and a distinct aura of dread.

Wily Moët Pena – A non-vintage sparkling wine, this brutal Brut may not offer the most balanced combination of flavors, but its extra-large bottle makes it a spectacular choice for christening yachts and other sea-going vessels.

Cabernet Josh – Unpretentiously crafted by righthander Josh Beckett, this workmanlike vintage tastes of grapes, with subtle hints of a different kind of grapes.

Coco Cristal – A smoothed-out chilly blend of only the speediest varietals, carbonated VERY naturally so as not to injure the grapes. Louis Roederer developed this reluctantly, due to the center fielder’s rap career, but is reportedly very pleased with the results. Unlike “the Triangle,” no funny stuff here!

Tito’s Celebration Sparkle – Not champagne but darn close, the grapes for this bubbling treat come from the skipper’s organic farm outside his ancestral home near Pittsburgh. Don’t let it stain your jersey, Terry!

Backup Backstop Bordeaux – Doug Mirabelli’s classic Malbec, with all of the earthy cedar and tobacco undertones the discerning connoisseur would expect of a seasoned veteran who’s spent eleven years squatting in the dirt.

Pinot Piniero – Made with delicate Pinot grapes grown exclusively in the Red Sox bullpen, this fruity, sometimes erratic white makes for a strong accompaniment to most seafood, save for fish, shrimp, scallops, lobster, crab, clams, mussels, oysters, eels, shark, sea urchin, sea horse, sea cucumber, sea anenome, starfish, sponges and krill. If anything, it’s best suited to skates and rays. Okay, honestly? Just skates.

Julian Tava-Red: Blood-red grapes and an earthy tone set this shiraz apart from other vintages. There is a hint of violence in the nose.

Theo Epstein’s Rockin’ Manischevitz – Party like it’s 5764! L’chaim!

Cask of Amontillugo – Dry and tangy with a hint of sweetness, this well-seasoned sherry provides an ideal balance of flavors to stabilize a dessert course, a crowded middle infield, or a tortured psyche, slowly driven mad from entombment in the catacombs.

The Mint Drewlep – Peppermint schnapps, Southern Comfort, and as much ice as you can fit in your glass. Because J. D. “don’t go in for that pansy-ass wine shit.”