One powerful man under constant scrutiny – President George Bush – has recently departed for his annual month-long vacation. Another powerful man dealing with his own set of problems – Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig – beat the President to the punch by approximately four months.

A press release from the Commissioner’s Office notes that Mr. Selig has been on vacation for most of the season, making sure to note that he is “constantly aware of the goings on in baseball, on and off the field.” Commissioner Selig is vacationing at his dairy farm in the Wisconsin Dells, a popular vacation spot in the western Great Lakes region. This vacation will cover the remainder of the 2005 baseball season, and comes at a time during which baseball is in the public eye for all the wrong reasons.

In the past week, two major league players – Mariners pitcher Ryan Franklin, and Orioles first baseman Rafael Palmeiro – have been suspended as a result for violating MLB’s recently-instituted ban on certain performance-enhancing substances, such as steroids and certain over-the-counter dietary supplements. Palmeiro’s suspension is significant for multiple reasons. In March of this year, Palmeiro testified in front of Congress, saying he had never knowingly taken any steroids. According to reports from The Baltimore Sun, Palmeiro tested positive in May for the steroid Stanozolol, in the midst of his pursuit of his 3000th hit. Palmeiro reportedly appealed the ruling in secret arbitration hearings in June. Palmeiro collected his 3000th hit on July 15th.

NBC sports analyst Bob Costas finds Mr. Selig’s decision troubling.

“Baseball is in turmoil,” Mr. Costas says. “For Selig to abandon the game at such a pivotal moment is doing a disservice to all baseball fans, especially in regards to the steroid issue. I have heard there is evidence the Commissioner’s Office willfully ignored reports regarding the high probability of steroid users infecting the game this year. In fact, I dare say it’s not unlikely that Mr. Selig wanted steroid users to come out this year, so he could be portrayed as a great hero for cracking down on this supposed scourge. It is a travesty of monumental proportions. And, for the record, I would like to say that despite the wonderful letter-writing campaigns and inspiring local protest marches from the Bronx to Oakland, I will not seek the Commissioner’s position.”

Major League Baseball executives, however, disagree with the likes of Mr. Costas.

“Bud goes to Wisconsin for vacation every year,” says one. “He has everything he needs to do his job there: the contraction contraption, on-site steroid tests, even a direct phone line to every clubhouse in case he needs to cancel a game for any reason.” Information suggests there are actual benefits to be had with these vacations. According to data released by the Commissioner’s Office, MLB operations run 56% more smoothly when Mr. Selig is out of the office, as well as saving MLB upwards of $540,000 in operating expenses. This includes $25,000 earmarked for “miscellaneous office refreshments.” According to one anonymous source within the Commissioner’s Office, Selig “goes through Red Bull and Moolattes like a mofo.”

Selig and Major League Baseball also garnered attention for their handling of a situation involving Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers. On June 29th, Rogers shoved two cameramen for Fox Sports Net Southwest. Rogers turned himself in on misdemeanor assault charges, and faces up to a year in jail and a $4000 fine. Major League Baseball suspended Rogers for twenty games, fined him $50,000, and allowed him to participate in the All-Star Game. The $50,000 fine equals the All-Star bonus Rogers received for being selected to the American League All-Star roster. The twenty game suspension amounts to four missed starts. Many critics believe that Rogers’ actions deserved a stiffer penalty, citing the season-long suspension leveled against NBA player Ron Artest for assaulting fans during a game between the Detroit Pistons and Artest’s Indiana Pacers.

Mike Zuckerman of Dallas-Fort Worth television station WFAA videotaped Rogers’ jail booking, and was threatened verbally by Rogers during the taping. “I guess it’s not surprising,” says Zuckerman, “that these spoiled multi-millionaires are running rampant, what with the Commissioner off at Disneyland all the time. They’re taking steroids, they’re beating working-class folk up, they’re sleeping around, they’re growing out their hair. If Bowie Kuhn was still Commissioner, or Bart Giamatti, this wouldn’t be happening. Maybe if Fay Vincent was around, though – he seemed a little soft and wussy. He’d have to be to lose the job to Selig.”

In addition to turmoil involving baseball players, there has been some upheaval within the offices of Major League Baseball, including the promotion or appointment of various baseball officials. This includes the hiring of former Arizona Diamondback GM Joe Garagiola, Jr. as the Senior Vice President of Baseball Operations. Garagiola held an impromptu press conference outside of the offices of Major League Baseball earlier today to address the abscence of the Commissioner.

“According to Major League Baseball by-laws, gentlemen, you have the Commissioner, the President and Chief Operating Officer, my position, Youppi, and Pete Rose, in that order, and should the Commissioner decide he wants to transfer the helm to the President and COO, he will do so. As for now, Mr. DuPuy is home with a severe case of food poisoning, so I’m in control here, in the Commissioner’s Office. If something came up, I would check with him, of course. And in case this question comes up, I did not slip Mr. DuPuy any sort of ‘mickey’, nor did I ask any cafeteria employees to place Mr. DuPuy’s entree within close proximity of their unclothed and unwashed behinds.”

Asked on Tuesday if it was proper for him to take leave amidst this flux and controversy, Commissioner Selig was defiant. “I promise the American people that we will track down these steroid users and smoke them out of their holes, and I call upon fans of baseball all over the world to help us stop this tragedy,” he told reporters. “Now, watch me milk this cow.”