Oh, it was a mugging! Are you kidding me? For six straight years, the ACC/Big 10 Challenge, has been no challenge at all — the Atlantic Coast Conference has trashed, thrashed, smashed, and bashed the Big Ten…and now it’s seven years in a row! The ACC, clearly the best conference in the NCAA, dominated this year’s battle by smashing out six HUGE wins! All the Big 10 could do was eke out five paltry W’s. Don’t let anyone hate on my ACC, baby!

Look at the great wins by the ACC. Don’t anyone tell me again about the juggernaut of Northwestern basketball — Florida handled them nicely, despite some solid play from Nate Minnoy, one of my Diaper Dandies for this year. The Gators are back. And how about the manhandling of powerhouse Penn State by the Clemson Tigers! What a performance from Vernon Hamilton. Hey, he’s one of my Juicy Juniors, baby!

Listen, the Big 10 tried its best. But come on, college basketball is all about the matchups! Michigan State, one of the best teams in the country, vs. Georgia Tech? Are you kidding me? It would have been a travesty if they had lost! Miscarriage of justice, baby! How about the play of Maurice Ager for the Spartans? He’s one of my Soph Sweeties! I know that’s a weird name for a list! My weird lists even creep out those who are close to me, baby!

Let me be the first to downplay the significance of Illinois beating the legendary Tar Heels of North Carolina. So what if it’s a matchup of last year’s NCAA Championship? These are different teams! It’s a different year! And the Heels were depleted by players going to the NBA. Hey, it’s a miracle the game was close! You have to give credit to the Heels, whose gutsy work under the baskets kept them in the game. Gotta give some love to senior leader Dee Brown, though, who is one of the finest young men in the game. Hey, if he wasn’t, would he be one of my SILFs? No way, baby!

Speaking of J.J. Reddick: how about the way my Dookies took it to perennial powerhouse Indiana, fueled by another great J.J. Reddick performance. Marco Killingsworth tried his best, but he was just outmatched by the boys in blue. Is anyone better, or better-loved, than the great J.J., who is also one of my SILFs? Only his coach, the great Coach K! I’ve got a great seat on the bandwagon, and you’ll have to break all of my fingers to get me off it, baby!

It was nice for Iowa to beat NC State; Steve Alford is good people. And Ohio State squeaked out a close one against Virginia Tech, 69-56, but that doesn’t really count, because the Cavaliers are in a rebuilding year. They’ll be great next year…because they’re in the ACC, baby!

But it’s clear that the Big Ten just doesn’t have what it takes. Come on — the storied Wisconsin Badgers couldn’t even beat #23 Wake Forest! In Wake Forest’s gym! Even though Alando Tucker tried his best, there was no reckoning with the Demon Deacons and their tall, glistening presence inside. You know I’m talking about Justin Gray, don’t you? Of course I am, but at the top of my voice, baby!

I think it’s pretty clear that the Big Ten is clearly outmatched by the ACC. But so is every other conference. That’s why ACC teams are consistently ranked in the top ten before they’ve even played a single game, and that’s why they win the NCAA Championship every single year. It’s not hype — it’s proven science. I think it must be the weather. As you all know, I coached the Detroit Pistons and at the University of Detroit, and let me tell you: it’s cold up there! You can’t play basketball when it’s cold! It’s never cold in the ACC! It’s hot as blazes! And so are the southern co-eds who give me sympathy handjobs! I’m not bald, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine, baby!

Dick Vitale was on the team for ESPN’s first college broadcast in 1979.