To continue our Nobel-worthy 2008 season preview, we focus on the San Francisco Giants — and who better to preview this team than the city’s most beloved columnist (and inventor of the terms “beatnik” and “hippie”), Herb Caen? Ol’ “Three Dots” has been out of commission since 1997, but we are proud that he came back for this season preview.

HEY THERE sports fans! I’ve been following our beloved Jints from my new place of residence, and I guess we’re all pretty broken up about how things have been lately…But in spring, everything looks green and new — except, of course our team. As our friend Willie G. of B’lingame says, “When your manager is the fifth-oldest fella on the team, you might have a problem!” Lovely guy, Willie…Early reports say that new acquisition Aaron Rowand is bringing a new “Warrior Spirit” to the Giants. He sure is full of vim and vigor. But aren’t our team’s biggest needs are calcium and fiber?…I could do this all day — and don’t think I wouldn’t — but I don’t want to bring on the mighty wrath of SF’s Grey Panthers. They won’t relish the idea of being linked with this bunch of hot dogs. (See what I did there? Ha ha, I still got it!)…Thirteen out of fourteen stat-heads surveyed pick this year’s team to finish fifth in the NL West. The fourteenth? Has ’em in sixth place. Ouch.

ASTRALLY, I kid the Giants, but I love the heck out of these scrappy battlers. How could you not love a team where the cleanup hitter has actually lost a footrace to a three-toed sloth?…Sorry to hear about Omar Vizquel’s knee surgery. Sure, he’ll be back on the field in April — but won’t this put a severe damper in his moshing?…Loving the move of Dave Roberts to left, so he can conserve the remnants of his considerable wheels. And with Randy Winn in right, our aged crew might just lead the league in “Stolen Bases by Guys Over 35 Years Old”…And let’s make sure we “shout out” good old Ray Durham, a class act who is still in competition to start at 2B. He better flash a lot of glove and shoe leather, considering his line last year: .218/.295/.343. That’s uglier than the “Last in Show” float at the Gay Pride Parade!

SPEAKING OF ugly, has anyone figured out why Bruce Bochy has white eyelashes on one eye? Goth-a-mundo!…Hilariously, Bochy is mentioned many times in Bill Lee’s memoir “Have Glove, Will Travel.” Our beloved/beleaguered skipper caught the Spaceman down in Venezuela during what was supposed to be a comeback bid by both players. Our buddy K. Gibler-Katsopolous asks, “If they got into a fight down there, would it be ‘The Fracas in Caracas’? Yes it would, Kimmy, yes it would…Actually, I’ve been around so long I remember when Bochy was mostly known for have an unfeasibly large head. Whether or not there’s anything inside that size 8 3/4 cap is another matter…It is being rumbled that Brian Sabean is on the hot seat this year. Apparently he only has six more years to turn things around on this bonny side of the bay, or he’s out on his proverbial sa-butt…Other rumors have Peter Magowan known in certain circles as “The Constant Gardener” because he spilled so much dirt about steroids. No, I don’t think it’s very clever either.

SPEAKING OF which: I guess it’s time to talk about the elephantitis in the room: Barry Bonds…The most prodigious home run hitter in the history of baseball is currently out of a job. This old scribe asks, “Why?” Surely it cannot be just because he is also the biggest jerk in the history of baseball — doesn’t Milton Bradley still have a job? (Yes, and stop calling me Shirley.)…Our correspondent Donna Jo Tanner, the kayakin’est denizen of McCovey Cove, reports that morale is low among her fellow(ette) ball-retrievers. What, no hope in the slugging percentage of a certain Mr. Brian Bocock?…Speaking of which: in a better world, it would be a pretty big deal that 6’5″ rookie Merkin Valdez is bidding fair to find a spot in the bullpen. I’m rooting for this kid — no one likes a big Dominican merkin more than me!

SHOCKINGLY, THE rest of our pitching staff has some youth and some talent to it. Michelle T. of Daly City emails, “Lincecum and Cain, and pray for rain?” Nicely done…Notice how I didn’t mention a certain former Cy Younger with the initials BZ? The City just isn’t feeling his Republican Surfer vibe. If he wants to win the “hearts and minds” of our fanbase, this lefty needs to be a little more, um, lefty. Maybe a foto-op with Barack Obama is indicated?…Word out of the Cactus League is that we finally have a heady youngster in the infield — speedster Eugenio Velez is hitting the ball all over the place and stealing bases like there’s no tomorrow. How long before we trade him to the Marlins?…Bochy is considering starting Eugenio at second or third. What, and displace aged hunk Rich Aurilia? Talk about the “hot corner”!

WELL FRIENDS, it’s time for me to slink on back to heaven. It’s been real, and it’s been fun, and it’s been real fun. You wouldn’t believe the bars up here — but no one up here slings a gimlet as well as the ladies at the Lexington Club in the Mission. I miss you all horribly.