It’s never too late for another 2008 Season Preview from your favorite baseball weblog, especially when the preview concerns the New York Mets, and extra-especially when it’s written by longtime Yard Work commentator (and former Mets player / coach) Rickey Henderson! Get paid with Met knowledge!
Man, all Rickey has to say about those toilet clowns in Flushing is that he has no more love in his heart for the New York Mets. In case you didn’t figure it out by looking at that butt-ugly chump taking Rickey’s spot in the first base box, Rickey’s not coaching for the Mets. That’s because the Mets don’t see the need to have the all-time leading runs and stolen-base king coaching their players, because what could Rickey teach them about baseball? It’s not like Rickey was the greatest of all time or anything, and it’s not like the Mets have an exciting Rickey-esque player with the name of Jose Reyes on their roster, right?
Look, all Rickey has to say about that is this — remember when Jose Reyes was going to be all serious about baseball and not joke around and have any fun? Remember how long that lasted? If Rickey was there, he would’ve told Jose that only a straight-laced sucker chump thinks that you have to be serious all the time to play baseball the right way. Rickey believes different strokes rule the world. (Yo, Jose — Rickey wants to talk to you about getting some Rickey bobbleheads made like those Jose bobbleheads you got for that video game. Rickey put you in his Fave Five from T-Mobile, so hook a brother up. But don’t text Rickey and expect some sort of response to that nonsense. Two things: Rickey don’t type on any of those Monchichi keys, and Rickey is most definitely not down with this LOL garbage. You got an education, young America — speak English!)
And don’t get Rickey started on this Lastings Milledge nonsense. No doubt about it, Mets got rope-a-doped by an expansion team — you’re telling Rickey that the best you can get for a 23-year-old kid that’s got all sorts of upside is some broke-ass catcher and a Jew-hating outfielder? Rickey’s not down with that, the trade or the bigotry. Hating Jews is like a gateway drug into more insidious and dangerous forms of racism, like hating on the black man, or the Chinese man, or even women. And the honky’s last name is Church, if you can believe that! Chump should know better! For Rickey, Church is about loving your fellow man, praising The Lord for sacrificing his only son, waking your dead ass up early Sunday morning, and getting a few quick winks during the preacher’s corny-ass sermon before heading off to IHOP for some Rooty Tooty Double Covered and Smothered action. Rickey loves the strawberry syrup more than he loves his stolen base record (and Rickey sleeps with that base every night). Anyway, Rickey calls BOOYAH on this racially-motivated trade, and hopes Lastings whups up on those jive Jew-hating chumps every chance he gets.
And speaking of racism, Rickey wants to know what the heck’s going on with Carlos Delgado? Brother cannot catch a break — they boo him when he doesn’t hit, they boo him when he hits, and they’d boo him for ordering the #6 at Wendy’s. “Boo, Carlos Delgado! Rickey says boo! Rickey wanted you to get the Big Bacon Classic with a side of chili and a vanilla Frosty! You’re a chicken-eating chump, Carlos Delgado!” Rickey supports Carlos Delgado in his telling Mets fans to go have sex with their butt-ugly sister. New York fans are nothing but chumps if they got nothing better to do than harass this beautiful, beautiful man with their stank-ass beer mouths.
That’s right, Rickey called another man beautiful. In case you didn’t catch it from all of those gorgeous pictures of Rickey floating in the internet, Rickey himself is beautiful, so he knows what he’s talking about. Ain’t nothing wrong with another man showing a man some love like that. Rickey knows that even beautiful men need that positive reinforcement from another beautiful man. Rickey is all about the platonic man-love. Rickey wishes he could grow a goatee that good. When Rickey tries to grow out his facial hair, Rickey turns into one of those raggedy-ass Fraggles they showed on the TV with the Monchichis and the Flintstones. You’d think Rickey could style and profile with that, the goatee, but sad to say Rickey can’t. Same with bellbottoms and double-breasted suits. Believe it or not, there are some things even Rickey can’t pull off.
Yard Work told Rickey that he should try to talk about the whole team, but that means talking about the pitchers, and Rickey don’t like talking about pitchers. Who’s this Johan Santana? Is he some sort of hot-shot kid with a great fastball and change-up, or one of them corny split-finger throwing turkeys that’s all twitchy and freaked out? Don’t matter to Rickey. If Santana or Pedro or any other chump on the Mets had to pitch against The Greatest Of All Time (also known as Rickey), they’d be stuck scratching their heads after Rickey works a walk and turns it into a triple. Or maybe Rickey just cuts out the middle man and passes the savings onto the fan in the form of a majestic screaming line drive over the fence. Rickey treats pitchers the way babies treat diapers — Rickey just does his business all over their face.
Rickey’s gonna do his business all over the Mets, too. Rickey don’t care about no Carlos Beltran running face-first into chumps or no Moises Alou pissing all over himself like some old fart or no John Olerud in his Little League batting helmet asking Rickey stupid questions about whether Rickey remembers playing with his pasty helmet-wearing ass. The minute the Mets stopped caring about Rickey, that’s the minute Rickey stopped caring about the Mets. You don’t pay Rickey, then Rickey sure as hell don’t pay you. This year, Rickey’s a fan of the Florida team, the one with that Han-Ram on there. Rickey saw him play in some Sportscenter highlights. That Han-Ram has some speed and some pop! With a little coaching, that Han-Ram could be pretty good. And only one beautiful, beautiful man has the experience and credentials and the Hall of Fame accolades to teach that Han-Ram how to play. That’s right, Florida, Rickey is ready to do you one solid.
But you know what you gotta do first. Don’t make Rickey say it.