CROCKETT: You want to take down the Florida Marlins, Jesus Christ, you got your work cut out for you.

TUBBS: So listen, and listen good. This group is young, they’re hungry, they’re ruthless. I bet my badge that within three years, these guys are either winning 100 games, or moving upwards of 2,200 kilos of blow, possibly both.

CROCKETT: If you’re looking to make a move on Florida, first thing you gotta know is that you’re gonna have to go through the D-Train.

TUBBS: Dontrelle “D-Train” Willis. Just 25 years old. Another fine product of the streets of Oakland, CA. 10 years old, this kid is snapping off curves like you can’t believe. When he was 15, Cincinnati sent out a pair of scouts to check him out.

CROCKETT: One they found in an alley. They needed a goddamn jaws of life to pry the baseball out of his goddamn cranium.

TUBBS: The other one they found floating in the Bay, surrounded by seagulls picking at his eyes and ears, with a big red “D” scarred into his neck.

CROCKETT: Funny thing, the guy pulled through. He scouts for Kansas City now.

TUBBS: Point is, Willis is not to be underestimated. He can smell fear a mile away. Don’t be fooled by the smile, the laughter, or the way he seems to love kids. You get distracted, let your guard down, it’s over, done.

[sinister slo-mo of D-Train’s leg-kick windup, as “In The Air Tonight” plays in the bg.]

CROCKETT: It’s the slider that gets you. Most guys never even see the slider.

TUBBS: Then there’s the muscle, Babyface Miguel Cabrera, out of Venezuela.

CROCKETT: How serious is this kid? His goddamn mother was on the national softball team. Shortstop. They say she slaughtered an entire Ecuadoran village after one of their girls went hard into second to break up the DP.

TUBBS: Apple don’t fall far from the tree, either. This boy will hit you anywhere, any time, for any reason. Do not, repeat, do not give him the opportunity to open up on you. You gotta stay close, inside. Your game has to be flawless. You tip him off, and make no mistake, he will murder you, and smile while he does it.

CROCKETT: Of course, to even get to Cabrera, you gotta get through Hanley “Shadez” Ramirez.

TUBBS: Dominican. Just 23 years old. You have to keep your eye on this guy. The kid has a hair trigger. He’ll take a swing at anything. 304 total bases last year. Plus the kid had 51 steals. And those are just the ones we know about.

CROCKETT: The kid is so quick that we had one of our boys tailing him””you remember Lenny Pico?

TUBBS: Sure do. I went to his wedding. The guy did okay”¦ married a beautiful woman.

CROCKETT: I’m sure she’ll look terrific in black. Last week, Lenny is tailing Ramirez down an alley. Lenny thinks he’s got him, when Ramirez vanishes, boom, gone. Not five seconds later, Lenny turns around, bam! Ramirez is already behind him. Carved him up real good. Machete.

[Grainy, handheld footage of Ramirez escaping a rundown, set to “All She Wants To Do Is Dance.”]

TUBBS: It’s that kind of action that got the kid both the NL Rookie of the Year and the Norte Del Valle cartel’s “Estrella de Levantamiento” award.

CROCKETT: Only other guy to win both? Steve Howe. You can look it up.

TUBBS: On the right side they’ve got more muscle: Dan “the Smuggla” Uggla, and Mike Jacobs, who’s still got three bullets in his right shoulder from a gang fight when he was a kid down in Chula Vista. Didn’t stop him from hitting 20 bombs last year in 136 games.

CROCKETT: I went undercover last year for a series with the Phillies, just to watch Uggla do his thing. That bastard is so good, he managed to unload 3.5 kilos of China White in the middle of a double play pivot. The DEA nearly got him””said he missed the tag””but it was reversed on appeal, thanks to everybody’s favorite crew chief.

TUBBS: Yeah, don’t expect Dana DeMuth to make your job any easier.

CROCKETT: Did you know he gets a pair of 16 year-old Colombian hookers every Christmas? Happy friggin’ holidays.

TUBBS: Okay, you may get lucky and make it past one of the big guys once or twice. But over the long haul, the big reason Florida is gonna make your life miserable is that operations is run by a slimeball named Larry Beinfest, one of the shrewdest arms dealers working the National League. We haven’t figured out his connection, but somehow, he’s able to find quality arms on the cheap

CROCKETT: This cocksucker outright stole Anibel Sanchez out of the Boston system. The Sox thought he was a goddamn throw-in.

TUBBS: Tell that to Arizona. Last September, Sanchez blew them all away, one right after the other. Merciless. These were married guys, guys with kids. Poor bastards couldn’t touch him.

CROCKETT: And it keeps going. Scott Olsen, Ricky Nolasco”¦ they’re high-caliber right now, and only getting stronger.

TUBBS: And come summer, they get Josh Johnson back, all 6 foot 7 of him.

CROCKETT: We put a sting on Johnson last year. When the firefight broke out, he threw everything he had at us. Four good men died that day. Another one has to sit down to take a piss for the rest of his life. And all for what? Minor nerve damage. 60 days on the DL. It’s enough to make me puke.
[Crockett pukes.]

TUBBS: So if you don’t hit these guys in the early going, you may not hit them at all. There may be a chance late in the season, when these guys have spent 4-5 months firing away and the ammo starts to run down, but by then you’re liable to be in fourth place or in a wheelchair, maybe both.

CROCKETT: We saved the good news for last, and it’s the only good news we’re gonna tell you. The Marlins do have one weakness, and it’s at the very top.

TUBBS: The whole operation is owned —

CROCKETT: More like lorded over.

TUBBS: Owned, lorded over and run out of the back pocket of one Jeff Loria. Possibly the most egomaniacal sociopath ever to run a ball team.

[Montage of Loria, in the owners box at Dolphin Stadium, barking frantically into his cell phone, set to “Relax.”]

CROCKETT: This creep makes Kim Jong Il look like the Knights of friggin’ Columbus. Most cartel owners know better than to get in deep with their own merchandise. But nobody ever told that to J.Lo.

TUBBS: That’s what he likes to be called, believe it or not, J.Lo. And don’t even try to tell him that there’s someone else in the world who goes by that name.

CROCKETT: I heard that Joe Girardi once gave Loria a DVD of The Wedding Planner. As a joke, right? Loria had a couple front office guys hold Girardi down and extract his left kneecap with a needlenose pliers.

TUBBS: That’s what I’m talking about. Girardi was his right-hand guy. Respected by the troops. Loria’s so deep into his own shit that it’s like Jeffrey in Wonderland.

CROCKETT: More like Jeffrey Through the Looking Glass that he Just Snorted Eleven Lines Off.

TUBBS: So he’s”” Hang on, did you just make that shit up? Off the top of your head?

CROCKETT: I should kick your ass for even asking that question.

TUBBS: Sorry, brother. Seriously, that was quick. But back to J.Lo. If there’s a way to topple the Marlins, it’s through Loria.

CROCKETT: Our inside guys say that if you can get close to him, you can plant all kinds of crazy shit in his head.

TUBBS: That may be your best bet. Get him to start thinking that D-Train’s gonna make a move on him, and bam”¦ Willis gets exiled to Cincy or DC before Beinfest even wakes up to discover that his hamstrings have been cut in his sleep.

CROCKETT: He’s relentless, paranoid, and a complete asshole. But if you play him right, you can get him to make a mistake, and it’ll probably be a big one.

TUBBS: Then you better be ready to get your ass out of there, because the Marlins ushers and grounds crew are just about the most heavily armed in baseball, and they shoot on sight.

[Lt. Castillo enters.]

CASTILLO: Alright, gentlemen. If you’re finished briefing these poor suckers, you got a job to do. Word is, Wayne Huizinga is back on the streets.

TUBBS: The Garbageman? Thought he’d never show his face in this town again.

CROCKETT: Let’s roll that cocksucker up.

[Crockett & Tubbs pile into their Ferrari and speed away in a cloud of shimmering neon. “I Want To Know What Love Is” plays in the bg.]

CASTILLO: Good luck, you goddamn bastards. [lights cigarette] You’re gonna need it.

James “Sonny” Crockett and Ricardo “Rico” Tubbs have served in the Vice Division of the Metro-Dade County Police Department for over twenty years.