Hey out there in web land! Joseph Parnell Sullivan Jr. here, to talk to you about the greatest game in the world. (That’s baseball, ya stupid pile of bantha poo-doo.) Most peeps call me Sully II: Electric Bugaboo, but you can call me, like the title says, Your Pal Joey. These guys at this here site, they’re all right, givin’ a kid like me a chance to chew your ear off. But these guys know what’s what – I got plenty to say about stuff, and I’m not afraid to say something controversial. Jim Rome better go home after I’m done unless he wants to feel the shadow sting of Makuta‘s staff, you hear me?
Now hold onto your hats, but in case you didn’t know, I’m a diehard member of the Nation. I’ve been a fan of the Sawx for about six years now, and they’ve been the best six years of my life. (They might be the only six years of my life, but, hey, who’s counting?) This team’s seen it all – Pedro being Pedro, Manny being Manny, D-Lowe being The Guy Making The D-Lowe Face, Nomah being Mr. Mia Hamm, Schilling being DA MAN, Big Papi being DA BIGGER MAN, and so on. And I don’t doubt that, when it’s all said and done, this team will be one of the best in baseball of all time, no doubt about it. And being that this team’s so good, it’s obvious some folks out there can’t help but hate us. Everyone hates the cool guy in school with the hot Legos and the naptime mat that’s pee-free, because they’re jealous. And you know no team’s more jealous of how great the Nation is than those no good punks in New York. Bunch of no-talent, loudmouth jerks that think you can buy your way out of trouble. KEEP TRYING, GEORGIE!
What’s worse about the Empire and all their blood money – they try harder than hell to spin crap their way! Like how many times are folks gonna wax Robinson Cano’s NEXT DEREK JETER pole? Bro’s gonna chafe, y’know – use some lotion! Oh GOD what about this “Shawn Chacon saved the Yankees’ season” lip-flapping? And, wait a sec, wasn’t Melky Cabrera supposed to be the next Willie Mays? Come on! This New York media bias is straight up smells-like-Boston-Harbor garbage, no effing doubt! And I know you’re as sick of this garbage as I am, which is why I’m using my first post to say three words: FIRE JOE SHEEHAN!
Seeing as we’re all on the internet, you all know who Sheehan is: big fancy baseball writer for that big fancy Baseball Prospectus website with all the fancy stupid numbers everyone gets all stupid about. Fact is, this Sheehan guy’s just another stupid Yankee fan that can’t stand to see the Sawx do well. Yeah, he pretends to be all impartial and crap, but everyone knows he’s just another member of the Al-Yankzeira media empire, doing everything he can to spread the word about how effin’ great the Yankees are. And this isn’t just the usual snowjob you can expect from your typical YES man – this is some serious black ops crap. He even went so far undercover, he actually contributed to a book about the Sawx! How sick is that? That’s like priest-with-kiddie-porn having-sex-with-dogs sick! That’s like Dragonball-pwns-Pokemon sick!
But, of course, like any two-faced punk, his true colors came shining through. After the Sawx make that SICK trade to get Josh Beckett & Mike Lowell from the Marlins, you know what Sheehan said? I’ll tell you what he said, and I don’t care that stupid fancy Baseball Prospectus is a pay site, I ain’t paraphrasing jack! He said, “If it’s possible to not like a trade for either team, this is that trade.”
Lemme type that again: “If it’s possible to not like a trade for either team, this is that trade.”
WHAT THE HELL, DUDE? Man, if I wasn’t potty trained, I’d have a set of dirty diapers to deal with! Never mind you bagging on my boy H-Ram (which is a chump move, JS) – you think trading some chits for one of the best young pitchers in the game and a three-time All Star is a bad trade? Are you stupid, or are you just scared that you’re gonna be stuck with Wright & Pavano next year in the rotation? Sheehan and his Prospectus “buddies” pride themselves on their analysis and junk, but what this guy thinks is analysis is just outright propoganda. The webpage should have black stripes all over it, it’s so obvious.
I mean, come on: “For this package, the Sox got back a highly-regarded right arm who has yet to hold up over a full major-league season.” Well, let me tell you about a pitcher by the name of PEDRO MARTINEZ. No higher an authority than Tommy “Baseball Ambassador” Lasorda said that Pedro was too weak to pitch. And look what he’s doing. And Beckett’s, like, ten years younger than Pedro. And, for a guy with Beckett’s stuff, that’s a long time to do some damage.
And, sure, maybe Lowell had an off year last year, but whatever – he’s still one of the best third basemen in the game, and anyone that says otherwise doesn’t know a Magic Hat from a Rolling Rock. Maybe Sheehan’s still upset that Lowell was flipped by the Yankees for some minor league junk – WAY TO GO, GEORGIE! Yeah, sure, maybe A-Fraud’s a better hitter (or slapper – ha!), but Lowell’s, like, ten times the man that sissy boy will ever be. Rolen’s done, that guy on the Cubs is a roid retard, that jerk on the Rangers can’t even spell his name right, and don’t even get me started on Eric Chavez and that WEAK patch of peachfuzz on his chin. Hey, Matt Clement called, Chavez – told me to tell you to buy a clue and some imagination. (BURN!)
Another plus that’ll lead to a Lowell comeback: now that butcher boy Edgar Renteria got shipped off to Hotlanta (thank Christ), the hot corner guy won’t have to overcompensate for the fancy free-agent SS forgetting how to use that leather thing in his hand. No wonder Billy Muell sucked last year – if I had to cover for Edgar’s glove AND bat, I’d pull on my crankypants, too!
And, oh boy, when Sheehan bothers to write about the latest Sawx steal (ANDY MARTE BITCHES!), I can only imagine how he’s gonna spin that crap – “Clearly, the Red Sox front office doesn’t know anything, because if they used the right set of calipers, they’d realize that Edgar Renteria’s schlong is, like, ten times longer than Marte’s, and would have never made that trade, even though Marte is a bonafide Hall of Famer, and Renteria is just another example why the National League sucks.” Bro, just stop while your ahead, cash your Yankee paycheck, and stop trying to fool everyone. You’re faker than grape drink, son. Just sayin’.
In January, Joseph Parnell Sullivan Jr. will be starting his second semester of kindergarten at Old South Pre-School.