Okay, America. You’re in the Herd. Nothing you can do about it, so stop trying.

It’s no secret I get a lot of crap. Especially from people who don’t know any better. People who can’t think for themselves. Seriously, if I spend more than two seconds thinking about it, it’s depressing. I can’t believe the number of crybabies that get riled up about the stuff I say. “Colin! You’re so negative! Why are you so negative?” Newsflash, Poindexter: it’s a sports show. Get over it. You’ve got nothing better to do than pop a blood vessel in your brain because of something I said? That’s just sad.

I’m not negative. Never been negative. I just call it like I see it. That’s what sports guys do. That’s my job. If you’ve got a problem with that, then you’ve got a problem with reality. If reality is negative for you, then I can’t help you. Go drink a can of Drano. Here, I’ll pop it open for you. There. It’s open. Drink up. Reality is negative? Drink up. If you sit here, and tell me that reality, the objective truth that I report here — if you’ve got a problem with that, then go drink that can of Drano. And if you can’t do that, then I guess you’re gutless and ignorant.

Anyway, today is for you guys. All the special ed kids out there. Today, I’m gonna be positive. Because today is about the All-Herd All-Star Team.

I’m talking about the guys that earn it. The guys who play the game like men. Not like spoiled children. 90 % of major league baseball players are spoiled brats. They’ve been spoiled since the day their daddies saw them hit that first ball. “Oooooh. Billy’s special. Carlos is special. Ching-Chong-Cho is special. Look at him hit the baseball. My boy is special enough to play at the major league level.”

And that may be true. Little Billy may go on to play at the major league level. But the inevitable result is that you’ve got a sport that’s 90% spoiled babies. Spoiled babies who can complain about making millions of dollars a year. I guarantee you, look in any major league baseball bullpen, you’ll find some middle reliever who blew half a dozen saves last year, has an ERA over 6.00, and thinks he’s underpaid at a million dollars a year. I guarantee it.

This is why no one cares about baseball anymore. Every football player who steps onto a field knows that he is gonna get hit. Hit hard. Maybe hard enough to paralyze him. Maybe hard enough to kill him. But half the players on any given baseball team can get to the park with a pretty good idea that they’re gonna spend the day getting paid to sit on their ass and dip.

There are a handful of people who deserve to be called ballplayers, the way we call Ted Williams a ballplayer, the way we call Pete Rose a ballplayer. That’s what the All-Herd team is about. So here they are.

P – Kenny Rogers
Kenny Rogers has always been a fantastic pitcher. Big game pitcher. The man threw a perfect game. Last year, Kenny Rogers took the Tigers from the worst team in baseball to the American League pennant. In the World Series, when the rest of his team pretty much decided to give up, Rogers was the only guy to win a game – Eight innings, no runs, two hits. He knew he couldn’t trust his teammates to win. He realized: I have to do this myself. And he did.

Kenny Rogers takes no crap from no one. Especially not the press. When Kenny Rogers shoved that cameraman, that was huge. He just told the entire world: I don’t take crap from you. And that’s what being on the All-Herd team is about.

C – A.J. Pierzynski
Most hated guy in the league. Hands down, most hated guy. No one in the American League is hated more than A.J. Pierzynski. He is despised. You know who else was despised? A guy named Ty Cobb. Ted Williams was hated. Don Drysdale, hated. You ever notice how the guy who’s the most hated guy in baseball is usually a phenomenal player? Well guess what? A.J. Pierzynski is a phenomenal player.

Wherever he goes, he wins. He takes Minnesota to the playoffs at age 25. Then he does it again the next year. The Twins decide they don’t like to win ballgames and trade him to the Giants. Predictably, he hates San Francisco, but gives them a fantastic year. The Giants decide they don’t like winning either, trade him to Chicago. And Chicago says, “You know what? We like winning ballgames. Let’s try to win ballgames.” And they keep A.J. Pierzynski, and because they do, they win the World Series. So Pierzynski gets to come back to the AL Central and make the Twins eat dirt. That’s what it’s like, when the guy you’ve let go comes back to beat your ass and win the World Series, it’s like having a big fistful of dirt jammed right in your mouth. That’s what the Twins get, for being the Twins. That’s what you get for being so stupid and so shortsighted, as to trade away A.J. Pierzynski.

1b – Doug Mientkiewicz
Here’s another guy who the Twins couldn’t see the value of. You know who I’d like to meet? I’d like to meet the guy who nailed down the World Series for the Twins in 2004. Oh yeah, that’s right. The Twins didn’t win the World Series in ’04. They got bounced in the first round of the playoffs. The Red Sox won that Series. And who nailed it down? Doug Mientkiewicz.

And of course, everybody got on Mientkiewicz because he kept that ball from the last out. Could you believe the nerve of Larry Lucchino? Who caught the ball? Did Larry Lucchino catch it? No. Mientkiewicz caught it. The moment he caught that ball, the season was over, end of story. What, Mientkiewicz is supposed to give up the ball just because Boston hasn’t won a World Series in ninety years? Mientkiewicz has to give up the ball because of Bill Buckner? Mientkiewicz has to give up the ball because of Bucky Dent? That ball is Doug Mientkiewicz’s property, and he has to give it up because Larry Lucchino says so? “Nice try,” says Doug Mientkiewicz, “now open wide and eat dirt.” And that’s essentially what Lucchino does. And that’s why Lucchino is a coward, and Mientkiewicz is All-Herd.

2b – Jeff Kent
Jeff Kent is a first-ballot Hall of Famer. As far as I’m concerned? First ballot. And you know, the reality is, he’s going to have a damn hard time getting in, if he gets in at all. I’ve always said the Hall of Fame was irrelevant. You don’t put Jeff Kent in, you might as well hang it up. Lock the doors. Turn out the lights. If you don’t take Jeff Kent, forget it. You just proved why you’re a living joke.

Because Kent has dominated this position. In the last thirty years, only two second basemen have won an MVP award — Ryne Sandberg and Jeff Kent. And Kent is better than Sandberg. And you know why he’s not going to the Hall of Fame? Because Jeff Kent does not give a crap about what you think of him.

Barry Bonds hates his guts. Milton Bradley hates his guts. Because they think he’s a racist. And maybe Jeff Kent is a racist, and maybe he’s not. The point is, Jeff Kent isn’t paid to make Barry Bonds feel good about himself. It’s not Jeff Kent’s job to tuck Barry Bonds in at night. It’s not Jeff Kent’s job to sit there and read Goodnight Moon to Barry Bonds, or Milton Bradley, or anyone. Jeff Kent is paid to hit homers and rack up the ribbies. And frankly, if Barry Bonds and Milton Bradley hate your guts, then you probably deserve a medal.

Okay, our sponsors say we gotta take a break. We’ll be back with more of the All-Herd team.

Colin Cowherd is the five-time winner of the Nevada Sportscaster of the Year honors. He also hosts “The Herd with Colin Cowherd” on ESPN Radio.