ALAN: It was nice to see you when I went home last month even though it was a sad time with my dad being sick and everything. I hope every thing is cool with you guys at the Lincoln Maintenance Department. I still say it was the best job I ever had! You guys are great and always have been. You know I will always have yr back, even if you are doing fine and don’t really need my help at all.

By now you know that yr boy is doing real well in New York. I love playing for the Yankees, although not as much as I love my hometown team — go Huskers! There is a real sense of pride every time I go to the ballpark and put on those pinstripes. But the guys on my team are kind of crazy though! Giambi is a funny guy and we get along real well as long as he’s not in one of his bad moods where he gets real depressed for no reason and won’t talk to anyone except to say “I’m sorry I’m sorry” over and over. He does that like every two weeks. That ain’t normal is it Alan?

Some of these other guys are pretty weird. Damon always walks around naked, not just in the shower and the clubhouse but also on the airplane, and he sometimes shows up at the stadium like that too. Pettite always seems super friendly but the other guys warned me to watch out for him and I found out why. Three or four minutes of talking and then he’s trying to get you to kneel down and pray with him, and nuts to that. And Mussina is usually reading something that looks like a college textbook and muttering stuff to himself about vectors and something called “The Illuminati” and writing on his locker in felt pen. I am glad I went to college but I think there is such a thing as too much college, right Alan?

And then there are our big stars. Jeter is always smiling and perky no matter what time of day it is or how bad he played in the field. That’s pretty cool I guess, but it gets annoying that every time Joe Girardi loses his clipboard Jeter is like “Here is is Skip I got it!” I feel sorry for that guy. But I feel sorrier for A-Rod who pretty much keeps to himself and I guess I understand why. Everywhere he goes there are cameras and reporters and big blonde stripper-looking ladies who are trying to tempt him into a life of sin and an expensive divorce. It sounds pretty glamorous but I don’t think it’s really all it’s cracked up to be.

But I got my friends on the team. Hughes is a real good egg and so are Cano and Melky and Wang, who are real funny even though I don’t know what they are saying. And let me tell you that my favorite night of the week is “Monday Video Night” at Matsui’s apartment, even though it’s been on hold for the last few weeks.

I have to say that the weirdest part of being a Yankee is all the people talking about me all the time. It’s one thing when it’s fans and they’re like “Yo Joba!”, that’s awesome. But when I’m on the back page of the newspaper and people are writing whole columns about me it’s kind of creepy. I just want to pitch, you know me Alan.

Here is an example: I want to be a starter, right? But they have been using me as a late reliever, just one inning at a time. I’m not even the closer! That’s Rivera and he’s like the greatest of all time. I have been trying to learn stuff from him but it’s hard because he is all into science and stuff, what to throw to what guy, different speeds of changeups, etc. Me, I just throw my four pitches and good luck to the hitter. But it’s not up to me to decide where I pitch, that’s up to Joe Girardi, right? Well, it turns out it’s more complicated than that. There’s a bunch of writers who say I should be a starter, and that’s pretty cool but those guys have about as much power as a used battery.

But then we also have our owner Hank — who’s not really our owner but actually the owner’s son — who says I should be a starter. But I don’t really trust that guy Alan. He’s always hanging around trying to be cool but he’s not really very cool at all. He tried to get in on Posada’s card game the other day and we didn’t want to let him but what could we do. And he is a horrible card player too, he kept losing and whining about it and then calling us “fags” for kicking his ass and taking his money. What is that all about Alan? What makes a man act like he’s hot snot on a silver platter when he’s only cold boogers on a paper plate?

Sometimes I feel like you’re the lucky one Alan. Life was a lot simpler when we worked for the Lincoln Maintenance Department. Remember when we had to pick up that dead elk on I-80, and it was all swollen up from the sun and gas? And you went to pick up its head and it let out that huge fart that smelled like metal and Jello? Man that was funny. I miss those days. Don’t get me wrong, I like having millions of dollars and being a big baseball star and stuff. But I’m not going to get all high and mighty about everything. You know me Alan.

So okay, that’s all I have to say for now. I will write you later and tell you about some other stuff. But for now I have to get ready, we’re playing Cleveland again and you know those damn bugs are still after me. Haha right Alan?

Your pal,

Joba