Holas y muy besos to you, readers of El Yard-Work.org! It is I, your internacional ambassadoress of beisbol, pop music, y the grande Bolivar-ish revolución del Húgo Chavez!
Excuse of me to you for not so much writing on this e-weblog. But it is hard work being the public beautiful face of the new Venezuela. Every week I have appearing on “¡Hola, Presidente!” with our great leader — my role is a sidekick, to laugh heartily at jokes he tell and then also to sing all my songs popular in medley fashion. Every week. Over and over. Live. For six or at times ten hours at a time until the show is over. Of course, it is a blessing and an honor to serve my country, therefore I cannot complain. I would like to see your countries popular divas holding it down like this, but ¿who would want to see that much of Christina Aguilera? And her fake nuñitas, jajaja.
Also, I am forever traveling, traveling, making public appearance for Citgo and for Invepal and Telcel Cellular, all our big companies. Also I am sometimes bringing documentos to these appearances in a suitcase shackled to my slender and supple wrists. Further, I at times have assignment to “charm” certain leaders with my dazzle good looks and ready smiles, so that Venezuelan agents can do things they need to do. Ay yi yi, it is hard to being me!
All these has left me very little time for the beisbol season in the U.S. But now that I am look at the standings I am very upset about what I see! My poor Marineros del Seattle having the worse record in the entire both leagues? This is not good! This is not right! This fact sticks in my craw all night! How can such a thing as this be happening?
First of, Los Seattles are not hitting. Except unless you are talking about the other team’s pitcher, with a batting helmet. Then yes, at least Richie Sexson is hitting. But other than that it is muy poor at the batter box. Only two regular person has a batting average over .300…and it is Jose Lopez and Raul Ibañez! What a surprising! And the OBP is in addition a pile of fecal matter, homers are nowhere or very little to be found, and no one wants to run on the basepaths except Ichiro. I have cried hot tears of melancholy watching this team, and once evomited too.
But never so hard have I vomited as when I think about the Marinero’s pitching. What a hot slippery malodorous mess! My dear countryman Felix is doing well, mostlies, with an ERA of pretty low and some strikeouts that are a lot. But walking too many! and giving up more hits than innings! That will catch up with one faster than a spoiled arepa. But over all Feliz is not the problem, even though he has only a 2 to 4 record. The rest of the starter pitchers is the problem, even my homesboy Carlos Silva, who pitching about as well as the ass of my dead aunt Thereze. And the relievers también. And the manager who does not know how to leverage his staff. And the GM who was supposed to make everything great. And the Moose, I hate him too.
Most of all, who I really hate is myself for believing too ferventamente. I espect too much from a team that is just not very good. When I find myself lighting candles in a shrine to Wladimir Balentin, running scenarios about what would our record be without the Bedard trade (much mas good, doy). or trying to figure out what is a yuniesky betancourt, it makes me confused plus sad. This happens all the time, with even some results in boyfriends and in charismatic leaders of a country. Maybe someday I will elearn “not to wear my heart on my sleeve” for a team, or at least to get a new phrase to describe that process because ew no yuck no way wtf, I do not want a heart on my sleeve.
And sà there are times when I would like to cambiar my choice for a favorite team, especially when Kenji Johjima does another 0-4 caca night, or when the ferkakte Beltré does a big airy whiffy swing to no avail. But Presidente Húgo loves them so emuch, based on Seattle’s righteous stance against the G8 summit years ago, and because they’re stadium is suppose “Go Green” with innovations for the lungs of working class folks. So if Presidente likes them, so do we all, and so do I. I know the bread’s correct butterside.
So come on you brave Merineros! Shock the world by going all in first place! Do it for me; do it for yourself; do it for Venezuela; do it for the internationale struggle in the streets of Caracas and its classrooms. So go Marineros, even though you are a lot less good than we all thought. Yay hooray. And remember that you are still in the ALWest, a bad division because of weird days all over but we can get this done.
Ana Maria Callejeo Guillén’s new workout video, “Escuchando Esta Música, Sude su Culo Gordo Apagado con Ana Maria,” is on constant rotation on Venezuela’s Canal Nacionál 5.