Okay, you hosers can stop with all the emails now. “Oh pleeeze Spart-Daddy, how did the YW draft go, I have to know, OMG WTF LOL” You know I never comment on a draft until three weeks after it happens, too much to take in all at once. Now that we’re out of the woods, and well into the new season, we can take a look at the dilly-o and see how the little people did, and why their teams aren’t as good as mine, and all that jazzola.

To remind you: we have 12 teams, serpentine draft, no whammies. Categories: standard 9 x 7: 1B, 2B, 3B, HR, SB, CS, BB, FPCT, SLG, GS, IP, HR, WP, GIDP, WHIP, K/BB. Draft took place on April 1, 2006, the day before the season started. Here goes.

ROUND 1: The big surprise was Hee Seop Choi taking Brad Wilkerson with the very first pick of the draft. This would be later eclipsed by virtually everything Hee Seop did. Lew Ford took himself. Anna Benson, as you know, took Kris Benson — well, actually it wasn’t Anna, but Anna’s 15-yr-old babysitter, Julie, who was working off a pre-draft list. (Actually, homegirl sounded a LOT older than 15. You KNOW Spart-a-pimp is following up on that lead.) A-Rod slipped to Pick 5, and went to wacky old Gerard, showing not just a fundamental lack of originality but also a basic misunderstanding of fantasy baseball; viz, NO ONE HAS EVER WON WITH ALEX RODRIGUEZ ON THEIR TEAM. A-Puj was #6, went to the Unicorns, ho hum. Rickey Henderson grabbed up Jose Reyes, I had no idea what that strategy was all about. Joe Morgan took Derek Jeter, but you read about that already, and ew. I considered myself fortunate to get Prince Fielder at #10, and small wonder; he’s got two home runs already on the year. Do fries come with that Spart-diddy fantasy title?

ROUND 2: Morganna, having taken David Wright last time, follows up with Ryan Howard. This was an interesting pick but I don’t think she did it for the “wright” reasons. I think she’s just a horny old broad with fake ones — BUT MORE POWER TO HER FOR THAT. Rickey snagged Pedro, which isn’t a bad pick given the circumstances. (Not what I would do, but whatevz.) I was sweating out Brian McCann, but he fell to me and I pounced on that ass like a lion on a goat haunch. Johan, Man-Ram, and Ichiro were all drafted here, ho hum SNORE.

ROUND 3: Here Hee Seop leads off by grabbing Andy Marte, to which I can only say “HUNH?” Baseball Mike yoinked Chone Figgins; good luck with THAT guy my friend. Anna B. took Tom Glavine, I guess we know WHO that chick was thinking of with her infidelity pledge last year when Kris was Met-ted Up. Bonds, Cabrera, Abreu, Ortiz, Halladay all fell here. I took Felix Pie, YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH BBBOOOYYYEEE!

ROUND 4: Here’s where Joe Morgan spit the bit, selecting Neifi Perez with pick 1. Like all right-thinking people, I have to go vomit, and almost missed my turn; luckily, I was able to grab Delmon Young here for my team, SadaharuOHNOYOUDIDNT. Rickey took another character pick: Gary Sheffield. I notice that some of our new jacks are having an okay draft so far — Unicorns dude grabs Peavy here, having already locked up Pujols, Manny, and Miggy, and Darren Daulton takes Andruw Jones to go with D-Lee and Tejada. Sugar Boogers dude, sadly, grabs Podsednik, proving that he is about as ignorant as a pig in high heels.

ROUND 5: Here’s where it all started to get interesting…for me, that is, because here’s where I snapped up Jeremy Hermida. Yeah, I guess I could have gotten him a round or two later, but I wanted him on my team. Sure, he’s grabbing a heaping helping of DL round about now, but a) I didn’t know that at the time, duh, and b) wait until he’s back, my little invisible friends, just you wait. I roffled at some other pixxx though. Julie took “Mike Pizza” for Anna B., that was kinda classic; Cosloy took some aged tuna named Alfonso Soriano, but for most of the spring he was probably regretting that about as much as Matador regretted signing Pizzicato Five; Hee took Aaron Heilman, I wet my pants; Rickey was true to form by taking ol’ Jeff Kent, the best-dressed man in town. (Haha yr all too dumb to get that reference but that’s okay, I’m used to being the smartest kid in class.)

ROUND 6: Best pick: me (C. Granderson). Worst pick: Hee Seop (R. Doumit).

ROUND 7: Best pick: me (B. McCarthy). Worst pick: Lew Ford (J. Morneau).

ROUND 8: Best pick: moi (R. Weeks). Worst pick: Anna B. (W.M. Pena)

ROUND 9: Best pick: yo (Z. Duke). Worst pick: TIE: Morganna (N. Lowry), JoMo (E. Gagne).

ROUND 10: Best pick: Julie the babysitter for drunk-IMing me. (UPDATE: Turns out she IS fifteen after all, so I won’t be on that after all. But her webcam works, brother, it works just FOINE.) Worst pick: everyone else, probably.

And so on. Okay, so we’re in week four now, and I’m in last place for right now. But that’s mostly just pitching and hitting, Rickie’s in a slump, it’ll work out, it’s all good, I fully expect to be in the catbird seat by June 10. I guess I’m a little surprised that Baseball Mike is in the lead, considering his picks were ass squared, but c’est la guerre, mon frere. As of this writing, Unicorns are hanging in at #2, Morganna at #3, and Rickey Henderson at #4, even though he’s not getting paid for any of this. (I think I told him there was a cash prize. Hee hee, ain’t I a stinka?)

That’s all, Spartacalifragiliciousexpialidopeness is out like yr mom’s weave. Holla at yr boy.

Spartacus is the single most sought-after numbers runner in baseball today. Believe it before it destroys you. He has a website but lady, if you have to ask…