Hi Boys! Sorry I haven’t been around lately. You might even say that I’ve been a bit of a ditz over the summer! Between deciding whether or not to divorce my husband and spoiling the kids to get them ready for the start of the school year, there’s hardly been any time for watching baseball! But right now I couldn’t be happier. My sex life couldn’t be better these days — over the past few months, my entire body has been squealing with glee like you wouldn’t believe! It’s true what they say, make-up sex really is the greatest! You guys need to remember that the next time your ladies appear unsatisfied. I used to get angry with Kris all the time — in fact, I was pissed off for most of the spring — but after he fucks my brains out I love him more than ever. This here girl might be out of your league (and I’m not talking about the AL and the NL LOL) but make sure to keep me in your fantasies forever! Print out my pictures and put them on your wall, school locker, or just jerk off while looking at them — it’s all OK by me! You guys mean the world something to me!
Speaking of fantasies, I wanted to say a few words about the Yard Work Fantasy League. LA Angels of Chicago finished on top this year, but that’s not really important. I really really like being on top (isn’t that right, Kris?) but oh well, it didn’t happen for me. Admittedly, I mainly joined just to get some fantasy league revenge on my husband. As a side benefit, I figured I might sell a few more photos and stir up some business for my poker site. But I learned my lesson. I’m not sayin’ I’m a Gold Digger, but I ain’t messin’ with a bunch of four-eyed nerd boys who stay indoors all summer and do nothing except watch baseball on the internet while calculating batting averages for fun while drinking their milk like good little momma’s boys and dreaming about getting laid someday, you know?
Anyway, after I worked things out with Kris, I stopped caring about fantasy baseball. I told my babysitter Julie that she could continue running the team because she did such a great job on draft day. But once summer camp started she completely lost interest. Now she never wants to babysit for us anymore because she’s too busy listening to reggaeton and spending time with her 24 year-old auto mechanic boyfriend. I must have had quite an influence on that little girl! Well, except for the reggaeton stuff (blech!) — she didn’t learn that from me! This country doesn’t need any more smelly Jamaican hippies — thanks, but no thanks!
Still, I was happy with my team in general. Snuggly Jim Thome and his teddy bear teammate Bobby Jenks had great years for the White Sox. Justin Verlander won the Rookie of the Year Award (too bad I forgot to pitch him for most of the year, whoops!) and got to pitch in the World Series, something even my man has never done. I can only imagine the wet, sticky hotness of mid-World Series sex with my man. There’s always next year! David Eckstein not only won the Series but was named the MVP. His wife is a very lucky woman. You all know what they say about men who are sparkplugs on the baseball diamond, don’t you? And Grady Sizemore had a fantastic year. He’s adorable AND he can hit. At the end of the season, somebody emailed to tell me that Gradylicious scored a lot of VORP this year — a whole 69 points worth. I don’t know who runs that website, but anyone who gets 69 out of Grady Sizemore is a winner in my book!
Despite all this, I only finished in 10th place. Again, sorry I wasn’t more involved this season but you know how things are. I have a few more things on my mind but I’m on my fifth gin fizz which can mean only one thing — I’m horny! I have to put the kids to bed before I can no longer walk straight. Then I’m going to call Kris into our bedroom and get him to pound my passion cage until my voice goes hoarse. Yippie!
Socialite Anna Benson strongly endorses the GOP in the upcoming elections and wants you all to vote Republican. [Anna,you missed that deadline too -Ed.].