Dear John,

So this is it. Thirteen years as a general manager coming to an end. I can hardly believe it. Never let it go unsaid that you have done an incredible job with Texas — not to mention all of those years in Cleveland — and I speak for the entire network of baseball agents when I say that you shall be missed.

Not only have you given Rangers fans a sense of hope with that young burgeoning nucleus of superstardom you inherited — led by, let it be said, Mr. Teixeira* — but you have helped a lot of ballplayers realize their truest fiscal potential. I look back at that contract you gave Chan Ho Park in 2002 and I am still impressed by its unprecedented generosity and largess. Fifty years from now, when pundits gather to discuss the great philanthropists, it will not just be the names Carnegie and Rockefeller that proudly waft through the cigar-tinted air. The name Hart will join that proud role call. This is a distinction to be proud of, John.

(*By nodding as you read this statement you have hereby agreed to renegotiate Mark Teixeira’s contract — should you fail to do so, he is hereby released by the Texas Rangers as an unrestricted free agent.)

And your generosity does not stop with baseball players. Let me put down in writing that I respect your unwavering willingness to always take my calls, despite the vile reputation naysayers have pinned on me. Even after I convinced Juan Gonzalez into leaving the Rangers because of some dubious “conflict of interest” — oh, the follies of youth! — we remained close compatriots. Haha. I appreciate your loyalty throughout that ordeal, even after your superior deigned to place a bounty on my head. Such faith I will not soon forget.*

(*This sentence is not a binding statement — be it in personal, emotional or financial matters — and will in no way impact any future business dealings involving myself or my clients with John Hart, the Texas Rangers organization or any future endeavors, be they baseball-related or otherwise.)

I also want you to know, John, that I still look back fondly on the Alex Rodriguez talks. Remember that cabin we rented up there in Montana — just you, me and Alex? Even after Alex and I came at you a little rough, you still managed to show us a smile. It was then that Alex knew he had found his home for the next ten years. And even though things later soured, I know that Alex still keeps close to his heart the tapes of those “negotiations” (wink wink!*), so not all has been lost. Why, just the other day Alex told me that he could not bear to touch a studded leather belt without thinking of your left eye, bloodied and swollen shut. Ask that cuckolded caretaker Cashman if he can say that!

(*This wink was simply a sign of professional affection, and not an allusion to past events involving torture, rape and late night complex carbohydrate binging that absolutely never occurred.)

Anyway, excellent work on promoting young Jon Daniels to take your place. He seems like a smart lad — Cornell is quite an institution! — and regardless of his actual works he will make you look like a genius. If the Rangers once again become contenders, it’s because of your moves, be they roster additions or promoting the young Daniels. If, on the other hand, the Rangers flop, it’s all due to the misguided follies of some neophyte charlatan who managed to somehow charm you into thinking he was worthy of such responsibility. This maneuver is the sort of Machiavellian gambit I can appreciate, John, and I want you to extend to both of you my warm congratulations.

One last thing before I conclude, though: you will regret declining the option on Kenny Rogers’ contract. All I have to do with that cottonheaded pitcher is point at you and say, “burritocam” and he’ll do such things to you and your precious family that your meals for the next eight months will involve either an IV drip or a jar of applesauce. Mark my words, John — you know I do not make idle threats. You saw what happened to DePodesta during the Derek Lowe negotiations. If you truly believe that he walked with a cane for three months because of he slipped making a sandwich, then you are even more gullible than I originally thought.

If you want the Rangers to ever sign another All Star or collegiate All-American, and you want to keep your beautiful wife clean of the opprobrious taint to be found on the person of an unemployed and disgruntled ex-slugger, then me, you and The Gambler (AKA the soon-to-be Executive Assistant to the General Manager of the Texas Rangers) are going to have to talk business up in that cabin. Serious business.

And it goes without saying that Jeff Weaver is going to get a contract from the Rangers that will make Chan Ho Park and Darren Dreifort weep with envy: 14 years, $350 million. Say it with me, John, or you’re a motherfucking dead man.*

(*The preceding two paragraphs were not written by Scott Boras, and you are entering a unfathomable world of pain if you ever so much as fucking think of suggesting otherwise, you useless jagbag.)

Best of luck in the future,

Scott Boras