From the desk of Florida Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria:

2006 NEVADA MARLINS OF FLORIDA BUSINESS PLAN

PHASE I: The Softening
– give mandate to Beinfest to sell off veterans for cheap prospects (NOTE: Beinfest says this could be bad-PR, but good-strategery move; remember to say I DON’T CARE)
– bring in bench coach from staff of over-respected managerial genius to manage (cf. Mazzilli, Randolph A LOTTA MEAT, Artie Howe) (NOTE: learn manager’s name prior to press conference)
– call teams about D-Train and Cabrera behind Beinfest’s back again
– give starting jobs to a bunch of CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP who-dats
– fire manager (PSYCH)
– suck expected amounts of ass for 1-2 months (lol @ NL)
– remind Selig I can’t renew lifetime Blockbuster membership
– start petition to add Walker: Texas Ranger theme to Guitar Hero 2
– fire manager (PSYCH)
– call teams about D-Train and Cabrera behind Beinfest’s back again (WATCH OUT LARRY!)
– invite Cam Bonifay, Randy Smith, and (if available) Allard Baird in for GM interviews (I SAID WATCH OUT!)
– eat fish taco

Phase II: The Surprisening
– replace Folger’s crystals w/ Player’s Coffee
– improve performance incrementally so as to linger like dog piss in NL wildcard morass (bigotry of low expectations MY ASS)
– finally let press office put out feelers re: surprising who-dat peformances
– instigate idiot fight w/ umpires to earn ire of now-beloved manager (cf. Mark Cuban)
– get in idiot fight w/ now-beloved manager (cf. George Steinbrenner)
– fire manager (I mean it this time … PSYCH) (cf. George Steinbrenner)
–> if sassed by manager, reason = too much power
–> if not sassesd by manager, reason = no balls
– talk to Bob Ley about small-market teams
– make annual prank call to Felipe Alou (1994 4evah)
– inch closer and closer to regular season success (relatively speaking)
– call teams about D-Train and Cabrera one more time before trading deadline
– eek into playoffs on last day of season (on, um, 2B 9th inning HR, sure)
– win 3rd wildcarded World Series (sweeping EVERY GAME)
– eat fish taco

Phase III: The Git-R-Donening
– talk to Bob Ley about revenue sharing
– sign ridonkulous book deal (How To Downsize And Still Kick Ass)
– fire manager (really)
– rehire (just a misunderstanding group hug etc.)
– kill manager (impaled on Marlin – irony!)
– frame Beinfest (keywords: strap-on eunuch crank)
– delay World Series shares (checks in mail HA)
– delay incentive bonuses and final paychecks (cf. Tampa Bay)
– blow up team plane w/ players in it
– recoup insurance moolah
– talk to Bob Ley about baseball tragedy and revenue sharing
– move team to Las Vegas (finally!)
– move to Cuba
– kill any and all Castros (see Presidente_Junta.ppt)
– realize dream to become Brando’s Kurtz from Apocalypse Now (NOTE: MORE SOUR CREAM ON FISH TACOS)
– produce biopic starring Vincent D’Onofrio (NOTE: CALL JOE ESZTERHAS; also, Neil LaBute, depending on Wicker Man fallout; Sharon Stone as wifey DEAL BREAKER, but will settle for Stacker 2’d Beverly D’Angelo)
– spread democracy
– prank call President Bush (lol @ foreign policy)
– buy Lost Season 2 DVDs (finally!) (NOTE: get Hurley dude on phone for biopic)
– eat fish taco (sweeeet)