Salutations and greetings, fellow baseball lovers! I know most of you know me because of “The Office,” the TV “dock”-umentary about the Scranton office of Dunder-Mifflin. But what you don’t know is that I am a big baseball fanatic, with somewhat of a statistics knack, if you will. I am here to spread my nutrients of wisdom over the tender seeds of Yard Work. So I got that goin’ for me. Which is nice. (That is a quote from “Caddyshack,” in case you didn’t know. Sorry to get all obscure on ya, but that is precisely how I roll.)

As a born-and-bred Scrantoonian, I grew up a fan of both the Phillies and the Pirates. I know, I know, some say you can’t do that. But I look at those people and ask, “Why not?” Why not, indeed. So just consider me your expert on both Pennsylvania teams and leave it at that.

And because I love my Penn. clubs so much, I am having an h-e-double-toothpick of a time trying to figure out why everyone is bagging on the Pirates. Everywhere I look, another of these negative nellies is trying to throw cold water on the Gold ‘N Blackies. Whatever happened to respect and loyalty? I’d certainly like to know the answer to that question, both personally, professionally, and baseballically. Look, if a team has a losing record for 15 straight years, is THAT really the best time to suddenly call them to account for it? Where were all these “fans” in the second or third year of the streak? Why wasn’t there a 10th Anniversary parade? Seriously, I would have gone.

But what’s really sticking in my craw is the way everyone is so mad about our picking up Matt Morris. The guy is a proven winner; heck, even Jason Starkey admits it in this piece on ESPN. (ESPN.com doesn’t print anything unless it is true and factually verified. How do you think it became the Worldwide Leader in Sports?)

And Morris is a heck of a guy, which the last time I checked means something good for a team. Plus he has a beard, which is really good for a pitcher because it’s kinda friendly-like but also very authoritative. I’m sure he will be a good mentor on the Pirates’ young pitchers, as well as Michael Bay and the other hitter guys. Heck, that’s worth it, even if we end up losing a lot more games. Especially if we end up losing a lot more games.

In fact, I think I speak on behalf of the rest of Pirates Nation when I say it’s actually better for us to keep losing. It keeps prices down at the park, it stops other teams from trying to steal the Pirates away from beautiful Pittsburgh and PBJ Park. It also helps foster a good underdog feeling amongst the fans, one of the most important community-building ways to build community. That is so important in a community like ours.

For example, I would characterize my own personal management style as that of a caring nurturer who also likes to have lots of fun at the office. But I can only do this because we are the #3 supplier of paper in the Northeast. If we were #1, there would be a lot of extra pressure on us to remain on top. But we’re not, which means lots of “morale-building” retreats, long lunches at Chili’s, and our annual baseball fantasy league championship. (Curses to Phyllis for winning the last three years! I think she’s letting Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration draft her teams for her. Seriously, who is this Hanley Ramirez? Where did this guy come from all of a sudden? I guess I shouldn’t have taken Nomaaaah in the first round either. Oh well…live and learn!)

And here’s another thing that I can’t stand. A lot of people are “trippin’ out” because the Pirates supposedly play in a bad division. How do they back this alleged “fact” up? They don’t, that’s how! They just say “the NL Central stinks,” or call it “Comedy Central.” Well, I don’t know if anyone remembers last year’s World Series or not, but the St. Louis Cardinals just happen to have won that puppy, didn’t they? And aren’t they from the Central Division? This year, the Brewers and Cubs and Cardinals are fighting it out at the top for the playoffs, even though all three teams have records close to .500. A lot of bean-counting “nerds” think this proves that the teams are all bad — but doesn’t it really just mean that they are all just really evenly matched? Hey, the Pirates’ season record might just be a whole lot better if we had to play against creampuffs like the Nationals or the Padres all the time, instead of the Reds and Astros and the others? In the business world, we call this the Peter Principle. Look it up sometime.

Plus no one in town really cares anyway because football season is starting soon.

So, in sum, I hope I have been able to show the importance of the Matt Morris trade to the Pittsburgh Pirates. I hope you have enjoyed my little “sabermetric” diatribe. Oh, well — back to the salt mines, ha ha ha.

Michael Scott is the awesomest dude ever. He is the manager of the Scranton branch of Dunder-Mifflin, Inc. He has also written almost four screenplays and has a poetry blog.