A lot of people email me to ask me why I manage the way I do. Man, if I answered every single email, I’d never get any managing done around here! But I try, because the fans are the third most important thing in baseball. The second is the game. The first is winning.

I have to be honest, or else I will be a liar. And no one ever called Ozzie Guillen a liar. They’ve called me a lot of stuff. They’ve called me pendejo. They’ve called me a racist. They’ve called me a homo-hater. They’ve called me crazy, loco, insane in the membrane. But you know what? Ozzie’s just gotta be Ozzie. That’s what got me through my long career: playing with guts and heart, swinging at balls over my head, doing what it took to try to win. And that’s how I got where I’m at today: the manager of the Chicago White Sox, the team that’s playing for the chance to be in the World Series.

Hey, if we stink it up, I’m gonna tell you, “Man, we stunk.” If we play so bad I want to vomit, I’ll vomit right in front of you, I don’t care. If I wanna drop an f-bomb, then you better wear your kevlar jockstrap, because you’re gonna catch some f-shrapnel right in your f-crotch. They don’t call me Crazy Ozzie for nothing! Hell, Crazy Ozzie calls himself Crazy Ozzie!

I was watching a movie the other night, that movie about the English kid and his dog, don’t remember the name of it, guess I better ask my son Ozney, he loves all that stuff. Anyway, this English kid really loves cheese, and he makes all these inventions to get the cheese. The White Sox, we’re like that kid. Except we love winning. If we gotta invent some runs to get wins, we’ll do it. There’s no shame in that. But I’d rather that Paul Konerko hits a three-run shot every game. And if he doesn’t do that in the playoffs, we’re probably gonna lose.

You know what’s good clubhouse music? Coldplay. A lot of you guys in the media are down on Chris Martin, but you know what? He has a way with a melody…My favorite place to go for a drink in Chicago is the Green Mill. I know it’s all high-toned and North Sidish, but it’s still the best bar in town…I wonder if today’s kids know how important it is to have good handwriting. I practice mine every day, making out the lineup card, but I also like to write a good letter. Ozney, Oney, Ozzie Jr., they don’t write letters the way I do. It’s a shame.

My favorite color? Don’t laugh, but it’s White Sox Black…You know who’s a class act? Bobby Cox. Except for the alcoholic wife-slapping thing…Intelligent design makes sense to me; how else do you explain Scotty Podsednik?…For whatever reason, even though Carla Gugino is hot times three, I’m not interested in “Threshold”…I don’t think there’s a worse situation than having to borrow toilet paper from Dustin Hermanson in the next stall.

Some people said that I should have had Brandon McCarthy on the postseason roster instead of Damaso Marte, considering that Marte is such a pain in the ass that he gets booed by the home fans. Those people are probably right…I have an infected boil, but I’m not telling where…Look up “smart cookie baseball reporter” in the dictionary and you’ll find my niece, Ana Maria — but she’s on my crap list for picking the Angels over us!…If you don’t love limes, you have a screw loose.

These are some of what’s on Ozzie’s mind before tonight’s ballgame. Hope I don’t make any stupid freakin’ mistakes that cost our team the game and therefore the series!

Ozzie Guillen is the manager of the Chicago White Sox. He was the AL Rookie of the Year in 1985, was a three-time AL All-Star, and played more games in a White Sox uniform than anyone else, unless you count the other three guys.