Remember when the Denver Broncos traded Jay Cutler to the Chicago Bears?  And everyone thought he was really immature and a headcase?  And maybe they still think that, and wonder what the hell Chicago’s thinking?  Yeah!  Now that the NFL season’s about to start, the fine folks here at Jockish thought it’d be great to see what advice and thoughts some former Chicago QBs from the past ten years had to offer as the Bears enter this brave new world!  So here you go!  Don’t hurt yourself!

Kyle Orton (2005-2008; currently on the Denver Broncos)
It’s tough starting over in a new place.  And I should know, becuase I’m doing the same thing.  But it’s like life — things change, nothing’s forever, and you gotta roll with the punches and get to what’s real.  Just, you know, hang in there.  Keep your head on straight, and keep your eyes on the prize.  Leave it out on the field.  You play to win the game.  All of that stuff. Chicago’s a great place to play, but it ain’t an easy place, that’s for sure.  They expect a lot from you out there, and it’s up to you to deliver it.  And if you don’t deliver, boy, they’re gonna let you know.  But it’s so great when you actually do deliver, it’s like those other twenty or thirty times when you didn’t deliver don’t even matter anymore.  Except when you don’t come through again, and then it’s, you know, like that Madonna song — what have you done for me lately?  So, yeah, it’s great when you’re great, and not so great when you’re not so great.  But it’s Chicago, right?  So it’s great.  I mean, it’s not like Denver, which is great, but it’s still pretty great.  Yeah.

Rex Grossman (2003-2008; currently on the Houston Texans)
No offense, but Chicago can lick my Polish sausage. And I’m sure as heck not Polish, if you catch my drift.  I got ripped when I dumped the ball off, I got ripped when I threw the ball downfield, I got ripped when the pocket collapsed and I lost 30 yards on a fumble, and I got ripped sitting on the bench watching someone else get sacked.  I’m probably getting ripped right now, and I don’t even know it.  Look: if you fat sacks want Jim McMahon, then get him out of his wheelchair, slap on that dopey visor helmet of his, and have at it.  He wouldn’t with a gosh darn thing with the trash I had to throw and hand off to.  Not a gosh darn thing.  When you’ve got a rocket arm like mine at the wheel, you don’t buy a mid-sized compact that gets good mileage to get the job done, right?  And you don’t drive twenty miles under the speed limit, either!  That’s what I thought.

Luke McCown (N/A; currently on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
So,yeah, I guess since you guys couldn’t reach former Bear “great” Cade McNown, you thought it’d be “funny” to talk to me instead?  Because our last names sound the same?  Yeah, ha ha ha, real funny, Deadspin.  “Duuuuuh, I’m Cade McNown!  Me try to steal pretty stripper from Tim Couch!  Then old man Hugh Hefner get mad and make me go home sad in my pee-pee!  I like shaving points! Cheating fun! Derpy derpy doo! Oops! I fumble the magic round thing again!  Sorry Mr. Defense!  Here you go!”  Whatever — I have work to do, unlike some people.

Kordell Stewart (2003; currently contemplating return to NFL)
I am really sad that my time in Chicago didn’t work out as well as I had hoped.  It certainly wasn’t as awesome as my time with Colorado, that’s for sure! But it was an experience I will treasure throughout my career!  I had a lot of fun playing there, and I love to visit whenever I’m in town, too!  Walking the streets of Chicago was almost as exciting as setting up under center during a National Football League game!  Whether it’s looking at the exhibits in the Hard Rock Hotel Chicago and eating at their expensive Chinese restaurant, taking the L train all over the city, or going to the South Side of Chicago to catch up on Major League Baseball’s Chicago Cubs, there was never a lack of excitement to be had!  I remember when the Cubs had me visit the broadcast booth right after I became a Chicago Bear!  When I got to sing the National Anthem during the 7th inning, I will admit that was probably the highlight of my career with the Bears!  If I had to give Jay Cutler advice he embarks on his NFL career, it would be this: good luck!  And try Harry Caray’s restaurant!

Brian Griese (2006-2007; released by Tampa Bay on July 13th, 2009)
OK, so there’s this great little hole-in-the-wall speakeasy place, right?  You gotta know the right folks to find it.  Very exclusive.  Forget what it’s called, Soft Nipple or Le Douche or some shit.  It’s like somewhere in the city, off some street — whatever, look it up on YT, not MT.  So on the outside, it’s like all ghetto and gully and whatnot, real hardcore.  And then you go in through this door that looks like it’s not even there!  It was crazy!  And then you have to wait in this cramped little hallway while people come and go in their evening wear.  And the dude that sits everyone, after you sit around for like a half hour or some shit, he’s like all mysterious, saying “come with me” or something like he’s some butler?  And then WHOA it’s like you walked onto some really posh porn set or something with the lighting and the furniture, the whole nine yards!  Like Jackie Treehorn’s joint in that flick with Lebowski!  Total class.  And the menu’s fancy as fuck, with all this stuff in cursive about the history of like BOURBON like what the hell you are totally blowing my mind!?

So me and my boys are sitting there drinking our cocktails, pinky fingers up in the air like medieval times, eating these like little lamb puffs or some shit?  And my girl sends me a text.  Some co-ed piece I met a few months before at some bar, we did body shots, she sucked me off, you know the deal.  So I whip it out (haha!) to text her back like WASSAP HOTTIE I AM HAVING FANCY DRINKS WITH MY CREW WHER U AT?  And then the staff hard-ass comes over and is all like, “Excuse me, sir, but we don’t allow the use of cell phones in our establimentarianism.”  And I’m like, you better believe you’re talking to an NFL superstar, sweet cheeks.  Your tits are nice, but they ain’t that nice, you feelin’ me, dog?  I got Hall of Fame blood in my veins!  I touched John Elway!  And I paid my $50 for watered-down Mad Dog and lamb pizza rolls, so kindly STFU and enjoy the aura of my celebrity, bitch!  But maybe I’ll break you off a little somethin’ if you gimme your digits, right?  And then some big-ass dude TOTALLY on the juice — I’m telling you, he was ripped like a goddamn fart! — he actually grabbed me by the shirt collar and escorted me and my boys the fuck out!  Fucking stretched the fuck out my brand new Affliction tee, fucking punkass.  If the cops weren’t parked across the street, I totally would’ve taken that Chuck Lidell-looking clown oh you tee OUT!  Suplex you like Thunderlips BABLOW!

So, yeah, fuck that place.