OK, this is the only time I’m going to say this, unless you ask me again, and then you’re going to get a little Ozzie in your life where you didn’t think it’d fit. That (garbage)head Steve Phillips and his (garbage)-eating grin know this. That no-good redneck Brandon McCarthy and his big as (stuff) head that’s too good for Chicago knows this. The entire (goshdarn) state of Chicago sure as (stuff) knows this. And now you’re gonna know it, too, even though you already should know. The White Sox, this year? We suck more than your mom did when she auditioned for Deep Throat and didn’t get the part because she couldn’t suck for (garbage). You know why we suck? Because Ozzie Guillen said so, that’s why.
What do we have for pitchers? We have that Javier Vazquez, the guy that makes me get off my (butt) to yank him after 3 innings. I can set my watch to it, except I don’t have a watch, because I don’t need one. I just wait to see Javier’s neck snap around after one of his flat change-ups sail to New Mexico, and that’s when I know it’s time to take him out. Take him out back and shoot him like the broke(thing) burro everyone knows he is. Go back to Juan Valdez up in Canada with all your Frenchies, you piece of (garbage)!
We also have that guy that used to throw all over the place for the Royals, except now he’s going to do it against the Royals, but that doesn’t matter, because the Royals are going to suck worse than we are. And who else do we have? Is that fat kid still around? No, no the one that likes sliding on his belly. I mean the crappier one. The one that I call into the game by saying HEY YOU FAT (STUFF) ROLL OFF YOUR (BUTT) AND TRY TO ACTUALLY THROW A STRIKE! With my hands! (Heck), I don’t even know any more – Kenny’s traded away anyone that we had that was any good, and the guys we had that were good suck as much as the guys we just got. I mean, this is just about the same team we had last year, right? And where’d we end up? That’s right – we ended up in SUCKVILLE, USA – POPULATION CHICAGO WHITE SOX.
Like why do you trade for someone like Toby Hall? We already have Toby Hall! His name’s AJ Pierzynkawicz or something. They’re the same person! Sometimes, when they’re out stretching on the field, I swear they’re wearing each other’s jersies! It really messes with my head. That’s why I use HeadOn – it’s Ozzie Guillen approved!
And everyone else is OK, I guess, except for the guys that I don’t want anymore, or the guys I never wanted in the first place. Those are the guys I can’t stand, until they do something good, which never happens. Then they’re the best guys in the world, and Ozzie’ll be (darned) if he hears anyone say anything bad about any of them. All you (melonfarmers) better shut up before Ozzie gets really mad! That’s the way baseball works – you suck until you stop sucking, and then you’re great until you suck again. You’d think folks would figure this out. Ozzie figured this out when he was a rookie, and Ozzie’s pretty (goshdarn) stupid. Ozzie still things the guy in The Crying Game‘s a girl, he’s so dumb! And he saw the dude’s (junk)!
So, yeah, we might suck, but everyone else sucks worse. The Twins play in a garbage bag – they suck. Boston is racist – they suck. Oakland cares more about money than baseball – they suck. And they serve sushi at most ballparks nowadays, which is the biggest sign of suck you could find. You know what that means? It means Ozzie better make sure his hands are clean so that 2007 World Series ring doesn’t get stuck. And it means all you stupid(butt) pieces of (garbage) that like to talk (garbage) about my (stuff)ing team better watch out, or that World Series ring will end up in the same place that all that (garbage) you says comes from – your (butt)! Suck my (junk), baseball!