What’s it like to leg out a double in someone else’s cleats? I found out the answer to that question in 1981, when a mix-up at the airport meant that I had to wear Gorman Thomas’s shoes (and socks! – ugh) for a Memorial Day weekend series at Fenway. Talk about trials of life! To this day, I never check my bags when I fly into Logan. But anyway, back to our purpose here – meandering down our roads not taken, if only for a short time.
After I saw the smash documentary “Super Size Me,” I decided that like director Morgan Spurlock, I would spend the rest of my days wandering the earth, absorbing uncommon experiences and then sharing what wisdom I gathered with the public. That is why I’m particularly excited that the esteemed editors of Yard Work have asked me to share the results of my most recent experiment – trying out famous baseball facial hair. Here we go!
CHOPS AND A BEER
With my buddy Gorman in mind, I decided the best way to get at this would be to spend a few weeks getting good and burly and then work down from there. Gorman was always famous for his muttonchops and massive Bauermeister mustache. His vibe went over big up at the old County Stadium, and like those klingons that follow Johnny Damon around these days, Gorman had a whole flock of imitators. But most of that gang didn’t grasp the soul of the Gorman. First off, to get the authentic Gorman look, I had to cast aside my fancy Gillette Mach 3 Power razor and Lucky Tiger shaving lotion in favor of the right tools: a broken-off fender from a 1973 Dodge Dart and some good lather off a bar of Irish Spring. As you might expect, this generated some nasty razor bumps. But Gorman used to say that, like the periodic herpes flair-up, these would cool off if you just kept from scratching at them too much. He’s right!
INVERSE GORMAN
For a few years now I’ve been wondering how Matt Clement manages to hit the corners of the plate like he does with that enormous thatch of hair on his chin creating so much drag. Since I’m no pitching coach, and am not really qualified to make extensive commentary about coefficients of friction as regards the alignment of follicle matter in the facial region, I say only that Matt’s control is truly a miracle. Clean-shaven everywhere but on the end of his chin, I like to refer to Matt’s arrangement as the Inverse Gorman. Now, the first rule of the Inverse Gorman is, you gotta go back to the fancy shaving tools. So I took my Mach 3 and my Lucky Tiger back down off the shelf and set to work. Be careful to work slowly and with the grain so as to avoid creating razor rash. Then, you must carefully trim the hair in the chin region with a pair of small, sharp scissors – your wife or girlfriend’s sewing scissors would work handily. Carefully work the scissors as though you were crafting a topiary. Voila! You’re ready to go out and throw some brain-frying sliders!
GIVE EM THE FINGERS
Rollie Fingers, as you know, was the great pitcher for the Oakland Athletics, San Diego Padres, and was even a teammate of mine for a while in Milwaukee. And if you know Rollie, then you know his mustache. I always admired Rollie’s mustache regime from afar in the locker room, the way he would meticulously wax and curl the long ends, like the Lynrd Skynrd boys teasing out one of those long, pretty twin-guitar leads. Having now tried out the Rollie for myself, I admire the man all the more. First off, it’s incredibly difficult to trim your mustache to the perfect place where those hairs curl up just so – too much, and it falls apart. Too little, and all you have is flyaway wisps. And Rollie was as much an artist with the mustache wax as he was with his breaking stuff. The wax is tricky; when you dig it out of the container, it feels dry and tacky, but as soon as you start working it in, it turns slippery as a seeing-eye grounder. The lesson here: use the wax sparingly. If you wipe the excess all over the towels, you’re liable to have a controversy with the missus, steamed as she already is about the whole sewing-scissors thing.
FRESH AS MORNING DEW
Dwight Evans was one of the classiest gentleman ever to put on a uniform, and his facial grooming choices belied his sophistication, empathy and wisdom. Dewey was a partisan of the neatly groomed standard mustache – call it “the Magnum,” after the great Tom Selleck character. Now, it shouldn’t be a great mystery as to how to take care of this classy selection, but for the coarser elements among us, let’s review. Like the Inverse Gorman, your approach to the Magnum should be gentle and supple. Use long, slow strokes and rinse your blade frequently with warm water. Work carefully around the perimeter of the Magnum as to avoid creating a look of unevenness. A good Magnum shouldn’t draw attention to itself, but instead accentuate your natural stateliness. Trim it every few days, and you’ll be well on your way to the Hall of Fame, even if you arrive to find Dewey standing, unjustly, right outside the door.
Robin Yount played for the Milwaukee Brewers from 1974 to 1993, finishing his career with 3,142 hits. He was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1999.