The Oakland Anaerobics are back!

Every year around this time, it seems like that lovable collection of scrubs, fatties, who-dats, and no-hopers pile into the van and head off to the Lone Star State, intent on wresting away control of the AL West from their peers. Much to the bilious dismay of Hall of Famer Joe Morgan, the Anaerobics currently sit in at 55-46, four and a half games back of Los Angeles de Los Angeles/B, and a half-game up on New York/A in the wild card race. Quoi? The Anaerobics?

Something must be in their fish tacos, all right. A team that had been left for dead more often than Juliet in a high school auditorium, the Anaerobics are now in the thick of it, having won 28 of their last 34. It is no secret that the Anaerobics’ moneyballing ways are the scourge of the baseball status quo; one wonders what baseball official and noted Yankee apologist Bob Watson would say about the merits of letting them play.

Stat of the Week #1

On Friday, Tigers outfielder Craig Monroe went five-for-five, with three doubles and six RBI. Monroe, whose previous career highlight involved getting busted for stealing a $30 belt from a department store, was the first Tiger to go 5-5 with six runs batted in since Willie Horton did it in 1971. (And if it weren’t for the itchy parolin’ finger of Michael Dukakis, Monroe would have been the first ever!)

The baseball gods look kindly upon this sort of redemptive tale. Look for Monroe (whose middle name, not coincidentally, is “Keystone”) to lead his team, currently 50-51, to respectability.

Stat of the Week #2

Despite striking out ten batters and allowing one earned run in eight innings, Nationals pitcher John Patterson recorded yet another no-decision on Sunday – his 12th no-decision of the season. With a 2.58 ERA, Patterson is a mere 4-2 – a record that offers no indication of the type of front-line starter he’s become, but every sign of his team’s pressing offensive problems (a situation they attempted to rectify with a laughable trade for free-swinging former Rockie Preston Wilson).

In his last six starts, Patterson has recorded 47 strikeouts and only ten walks in forty innings pitched. Despite this largesse, he has just one win to show for it. As the Nationals commence their inevitable free-fall, newly having been swept by the Atlanta Native Americans, it remains to be seen whether Patterson’s luck will improve.

Stat of the Week #3

On Sunday, New York/B pitcher Kris Benson pitched eight shutout innings to lead his team to a 6-0 rout of the visiting Los Angeles/A (see below). Perhaps Benson is finally acclimating to Shea Stadium? In December, Benson’s demure wife Anna (here pictured modestly leaning against some sort of wall) reported the following to FHM magazine: “We haven’t had sex at Shea yet. We’ve done Three Rivers, PNC Park and the Pirates’ spring-training camp. We really like the highway. Kris’s two-seat Ferrari is small quarters for sex, but there’s other stuff to do. I think all couples do things like that; they just don’t talk about it.”

The Mets were lampooned last season for trading for Benson, a soft-tossing righty, but Benson has been a reliable #2 starter this season, posting a 7-3 record with a 3.14 ERA. At home, Benson’s been even better – 17 earned runs in 66.1 innings pitched, and a 44/13 K/BB ratio. TMQ, idly wondering if Mrs. Benson may have unfurled her Unispheres in the clubhouse, is nonetheless moved to compose a haiku:

In Flushing Meadows
As in the master bedroom
Benson finds the zone.

Despite their high payroll, however, the Mets languish in fifth in the ultra-competitive NL East, a mere 52-50. Perhaps the magnificent cans of Mrs. Benson provide a bit of a distraction to her husband’s teammates. Anna, ever the bonne vivante, reports, “I’m usually hammered anyway. If he’s doing well after two innings, I just party. Kris gets so pissed after every game because he’ll come get me and I’m wasted. I won’t even know who won.”

Sweet Play of the Week

Anaerobics at Rangers, July 22. Bottom of the ninth, Anaerobics leading 11-8. The Rangers quickly score twice on interim closer Justin Duchscherer, cutting the lead to 11-10. With two outs, Alfonso Soriano bats with Michael Young on third. Duchscherer’s cut fastball bounces away and Young charges for home – but wait! A’s catcher Jason Kendall grabs the ball and dives for the plate, blocking Young’s slide with his face and unprotected arms and tagging him for the final out.

How gutsy was Kendall? NFL training camps start this week, and football players would be wise to take a page from the catcher, who met Young with the force of Bronko Nagurski slamming headfirst into an onrushing Clarke Hinkle in the frigid Chicago winter of 1936. If pooh-poohing pooh-bahs need proof that the Anaerobics’ recent motility is more than a fluke, Kendall might be a good piece of evidence. Despite his lackluster hitting, he’s been one of the AL’s best defensive backstops all season, and teammates marveled at his on-field grit.

TMQ is not one for intangibles, but Kendall is a special player. Despite having seen his share of gruesome injuries (his right ankle was so badly broken and dislocated as a Bucco in 1999 that ED SPRAGUE had to make an All-Star appearance in his stead), he continues to put himself in harm’s way every night. Young’s cleat caught Kendall on the arm, but the catcher would hear nothing of it after the game, saying merely of the wayward pitch, “I should have blocked it.”

Sour Play of the Week

Red Sox at Skates, July 25. The Sawx have set a major league record by playing 98 consecutive games without an extra frame, but tonight the baserunning gaffe of Adam Stern and the bases-loaded flyout of Manny Ramirez have squandered their run-scoring chances in the ninth, so it’s off to get another prune-almondtini for the early-bird set in St. Petersburg, as they settle in for some bonus coverage. In the bottom of the tenth, speedster Carl Crawford reaches on an infield single against newly anointed Sox closer Curt Schilling. Crawford is one of the few true base-stealing threats in the AL; Schilling looks as steady as one of the alien tripods in “War of the Worlds” on his surgically repaired ankle. Will Crawford take off for second with free-swinger Jorge Cantu at bat? Will the sun set over Indian Shores tomorrow? Will US-15 be a thirty-mile-long parking lot from New Port Richey to Treasure Island? Will wise-ass kids at East Lake High mock their bitter rivals, the Tarpon Springs Spongers, calling them “Tampon Strings” from here to eternity?

Schilling sets and hurls – IT’S AN ILL-ADVISED BUNT! A botched bunt, at that; Crawford is out at second and Cantu, not known for his fleet feet, replaces him at first. Jonny Gomes steps up and promptly shanks one into the waiting glove of Alex Cora. So it’s up to Aubrey Huff, the Skates’ sole home run threat, to save the day.

As it happens, Huff smacks a limpid splitter from Schilling deep into right field, but Trot Nixon is somehow playing the lefty slugger shallow; Nixon, not known for his sprinting prowess, tries vainly to catch up with the ball, and foolishly leaps instead of playing the carom. The ball skips merrily off the wall and along its way; Cantu briskly walks across the plate, humming a jolly tune – perhaps popular summer jam “Pon de Replay.” And indeed, ‘pon de replay, Nixon is shown to have left his feet to wave feebly at a ball ten feet or so above his head. End of game.

STOP ME BEFORE I BUNT AGAIN #1

Atlanta Native Americans at San Francisco Senior Citizens of Ordinary Size (SCoOS), July 20th, a battle of who-dats going in different directions. Atlanta Native American John Smoltz has held the punchless SCoOSers to 1 run (on a homer by former SCoOS who-dat Pedro Feliz) and 4 hits through the first 4 innings, while the Native Americans have scored twice against SCoOS who-dat Nick Lowry. In the bottom of the 5th inning, with one out, Lowry singles. The sky is rent asunder by blinding glorious light, angels fly down and bless the great unwashed, and the first base coach hands Lowry his jacket.

This brings the top of the order to the plate in the form of the well-traveled Alex Sanchez. “Well-traveled” is the sort of phrase that dances off the tongue of a deep-voiced Southern-born baseball announcer, but it doesn’t actually mean what it says. One hears “well-traveled”, one thinks of Bugs Bunny emerging from a sticker-covered steamer trunk in the middle of Pismo Beach. In baseball parlance, “well-traveled” actually implies a worldy sort, an affable Crash Davis type, a player whose gift of gab probably exceeds his gift at bat, the type of personality that could bring necessary perspective to a beleaguered clubhouse, regaling players young and old with stories of Tuscaloosa and Walla Walla and playing the game for the sake of the game.

Alex Sanchez is not such a player. Indeed, wherever Alex Sanchez has gone, a dark, ominous cloud has followed, bringing with it a portent of the sort of ineptitude that is only tolerable in ten year olds and rock stars. His tenures with Milwaukee and Detroit coincided with some of the darker days either franchise has seen. His one true asset – speed – is offset by deficiencies in every other aspect of his game, from his lack of baserunning acumen to his punchless plate prowess to his ornery clubhouse presence. His truest claim to fame is being one of the first players suspended as a result of Major League Baseball’s crackdown on performance enhancing substances. Coincidence or not, he returned from suspension showing surprising power, and even batted in the 3rd slot for the Skates of Tampa Bay for a spell. But even Tampa Bay knew they were flirting with disaster by giving him at-bats. It takes a special player to be released by the hapless Skates while hitting over .360. Alex Sanchez is that type of player.

To wit: the pitcher is on at first, there is 1 out in a one-run game in the 5th inning, and – IT’S A BUNT! This isn’t a bad play per se, but the execution leaves something to be desired. Sanchez does indeed bunt the ball, but the ball isn’t bunted so much as it is hit on one hop directly to the Native Americans first baseman, who throws to 2nd to get the force out. Alex Sanchez is credited with a fielder’s choice, which is similar to crediting Bill Clinton for not inhaling. Would that Sanchez simply swung away and lined into a double play to spare himself the indignity that soon follows. Instead, he takes a lead off first while Smoltz stares down Omar Vizquel and – IT’S A STEAL!

Again, perhaps not a bad play to make, but as viewers of the broadcast saw, the execution left something to be desired. Viewers caught a brief glimpse of Sanchez as he turned and started towards second base. The scene then shifts to a center-field view, wherein viewers can see Native American who-dat Brian McCann throw to second. Cut to a home-plate view of second base, where the throw is received. And we wait. And wait. And wait. In reality, we wait only a few seconds, but for a basestealer, a few seconds is a thousand deaths. Finally, after cooking and eating a potroast, the viewer sees poor Alex Sanchez slide into view, right into the fielder’s glove. Out number three, side retired. The Giants go on to lose the game 4-1, and continue their slow descent towards their Mile High divisional brethren.

STOP ME BEFORE I BUNT AGAIN #2

Los Angeles/A at New York/B, July 23rd. NY/B skipper Willie Randolph must have told his players that today would be Little Ball Day, as the Hat Apples stole 5 bases (without being caught) and executed 3 successful sacrifice bunts. Clearly Randolph’s experience in the American League – as a player and a coach – hasn’t dulled his desire to play National League-style ball to a fault. Two of those bunts were offered by lower-tier Hat Apples like first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz and backup who-dat Ramon Castro. But it is the third bunt – the first of the day – that defies logic.

Bottom of the 3rd inning, with the score already 3-2 (Dem Surfer Bums ahead), LA/A who-dat DJ Houlton on the mound. Jose Reyes gets on base the only way he knows how – he singles. Mike Cameron follows with a bunt single to 3rd base, putting two men on for the currently-underachieving Carlos Beltran. In case you forgot why Carlos Beltran was given the largest free-agent contract of this past off-season: he has averaged over 20 home runs and 100 RBIs each of his past four seasons. Last year, in 90 games with the Houston Astros, Beltran mashed 23 home runs and lead the Astros into the post-season, where they nearly emerged as – IT’S A BUNT! Yes, Carlos Beltran, arguably one of the best hitters in baseball, does little league coaches across America proud by laying down a perfect sacrifice bunt in the 3rd inning of a 3-2 game with no outs against a below-average starter. He advances the runners one base, allowing the resurgent (and relatively uninjured) Cliff Floyd to drive in a run with a groundout. Phenom David Wright (quickly going from who-dat to dat-be-he status) concludes the frame by striking out. The Hat Apples, inexplicably, go on to win the game 7-5. This outcome undoubtedly says more about the sorry state of LA/A than it speaks to the quality of NY/B.

Astute readers will notice that this is the second time I have singled out Carlos Beltran on TMQ for his bunt lust. Those that are more astute will realize that my first BUNT entry about Beltran was actually fabricated, but, as you see, proved to be unerringly prescient. Unfortunately, no reader came forward and called shenanigans on me, and therefore no Official TMQ No-Prize has been sent out. Regardless, I believe my point has been made – you play for one run, you often only get one run, which is fine if you only need the one run. But how often do you only need one run?

Line of the Week

Astros at Nationals, July 22. Nationals reliever Sun-Woo Kim enters the game having been buried in a 4-0 hole with men on base by the non-sinking sinker of Ryan Drese. Yet Ol’ Hoss Roger Clemens is wearing a jacket in the dugout! Someone named Chad Qualls (not the star of the teensploitation classic “Road Trip”) is warming in the bullpen! Who the hell is Chad Qualls? Anything seems possible! Excelsior, Nats! Oh, drat.

Sun-Woo Kim: 1.2 IP, 10 H, 8 R, 8 ER, 0 BB, 0 K

Ye gads! The Reverend Sun Myung Moon could have posted a better game score than Sun-Woo Kim, whose ERA increased by nearly two and a half runs after his meltdown, which included a hit batsman and a wild pitch for good measure.

Nationals pitcher Joey Eischen reportedly handed out camouflage baseball caps to his teammates before the game in some sort of motivational ritual. Apparently shortstop Cristian Guzman, he of the sparkling .182/.223/.270 batting line, wore his in an attempt to blend into the RFK foliage during the seventh inning. After leading off with a triple, he was promptly stranded at third on three straight weak dribblers by his teammates – including a halfhearted comebacker off the noodle bat of one Sunny Kim.

Obscure Minor League Player of the Week

According to the Boston Herald, former Red Sox reliever Rich “El Guapo” Garces has signed a minor-league contract with the Sox and is working out at their spring training facility in Fort Myers. Garces is one of the game’s true good guys, a journeyman reliever and gustatory dynamo who found his niche setting up for the Sox a few years ago. A cult hero in Fenway, his appearances were marked by one of the more entertaining entrances in baseball: Guapo, huffing and puffing as he steamed in from right field, always futzing with his belt and smoothing out his jersey as if to distract from the fact that he had the body of C.C. Sabathia, if Sabathia had just swallowed an entire watermelon. Despite his prodigious endomorphy (his 250 lb. listed weight was one of the better euphemisms in baseball, right there with the “productive out”), Garces was a workhorse and a terrific, though sweaty reliever.

In hindsight-obsessed Boston, the old guard gets blamed for plenty, but Beantown cognoscenti suspect that Grady Little had it in for Garces from day one. Told to lose weight, the roly-poly Venezuelan obediently did so, and consequently lost 8-10 mph off his fastball and wound up being released in 2003, after compiling a 7.59 ERA in 26 appearances. An attempted comeback with the Rockies ended the following spring; Garces went back to Caracas and regained his form in winter league ball, leading his team in saves. Asked about Garces’ progress, Red Sox manager Terry Francona said, “I’ve heard he’s big, and I heard he’s throwing the ball great.”

Whether Garces makes it back to Boston is anyone’s guess, but it’s hard not to root for a guy who listed his favorite food in the 2002 Red Sox media guide as, simply, “carne.”

This Week’s Challenge

The U.S. Mint has completed the rollout of the 2004 nickel, commemorating the bicentennial of the Louisiana Purchase, in which the cowardly French were relieved of their territorial obligations in the American Midwest. As the trade deadline approaches, which recent midsummer deal represents baseball’s biggest fleecing? (Extra points given for comparing the eminently snookerable erstwhile Mets GM Steve Phillips to the Marquis de Barbé-Marbois.) Send all inquiries this way.