I’ve never been so busy in my life! Since the last time I wrote here, Kris and I were traded to Baltimore and you can imagine the impact that had on our lives. Everything has been so crazy. I’ve spent so much time shuttling between cities and running my online poker business, there has barely been time to get the high hard one from my husband and look after the kids (no, not at the same time)! Kris has been obsessed with his work, spending day after day working with Leo Mazzone. Sure, it’s a great oppurtunity for him, but my oldest kid is nearly 13. She’s been blossoming nicely and Kris has barely been around to see it happen. But on the bright side, I think she’s gonna have DD’s just like her momma!

In light of all that, it’s no surprise that Kris and I are no longer together. I’m sure you’ve all heard the news by now. We made a New Year’s resolution to slow things down and make more time for each other, but it just hasn’t been working out. Ladies, if your husband promises to be more committed to your lovemaking but only finds the time to take you up the ass three times during the winter — it’s time to kick that man to the curb because he doesn’t truly care about your feelings. I can do better than that New York reject and his 4.25 career ERA. Hello boys — Anna is open for business once again!

That’s why I’m taking a deeper involvement in baseball this year. How could I resist spending more time watching cute men run around in tight pants for three hours a day? American players — hot! Japanese and Korean players — a bit too skinny for me, but still really hot! And the Latino players are tanned, toned, and unlike their Mexican counterparts, they’re in working in our country legally. They bring extra money into our country and help grow the economy instead of taking money out of the pockets of ordinary Americans who need it. So hot!!! That’s why I jumped at the chance to join the Yard Work Fantasy Baseball league. If you’ve read some of my earlier columns, then you know I love baseball almost as much as I love fantasies, so how could I pass up the oppurtunity?

Sorry to everyone who joined the league hoping to chat with me online on draft day. C’mon boys, you know I have better things to do than spend two hours of my Saturday chatting with a bunch of computer geeks! I gave my draft rankings to my family’s babysitter and let her handle things for me. Julie’s such a sweetie — all the cool moms in our neighborhood call her a Cute Lolita In Training (I’ll leave it to you to put together the acronym)! She reminds me a lot of me when I was her age. When I was fifteen it was my dream to marry a rich man but she says she wants to be a TV journalist when she finishes school. Those crazy kids! Well, the boys all want to get in her pants so I’d say that’s half the battle won right there!

As you might have guessed, my draft strategy involved drafting some of my favorite cuties! I still love New York and the Mets so I picked up some of their players and ex-players. Babyfaced Grady Sizemore is solely responsible for selling out stadiums in Cleveland and if you’ve ever been to that shithole of a city then you know that’s not an easy thing to do! Naturally I had to have him. I have a thing for pint-sized cuties like David Eckstein and Jamey Carroll because they remind me of the pathetic boys who used to drool over me when I was in high school. Today, those geeky awkward types are beating their meat while downloading my pictures off the internet — it’s OK, guys, you don’t have to be ashamed to admit it! These boys think they have a shot with me, but of course they don’t. I love to tease though so I wanted them on my team too. And sometimes a girl likes to latch onto those big teddy bear types as well, so I picked up players like Bobby Jenks and Jim Thome.

I couldn’t get every player I wanted, largely thanks to this Morganna bitch who obviously got word of my strategy beforehand and decided to fuck with my business. Listen babe, there’s only room for one curvaceous alpha female on Yard Work, and that’s ME. You’d better hope we don’t run into each other one day at the ballpark, that’s all I’m saying. I’ll slap you so hard, you’ll end up with your face in one zip code and your tits in another.

My final words are directed to you, soon-to-be-ex-hubby dearest. You were my top pick. You were my top priority because I might own only 50% of you in real life, but online, I wanted to make sure I owned the full 100%. You’ll play when I feel like playing you, and your ass will ride the bench when I say the words. Don’t think I’m serious? Try me.