TRACE: Howdy, folks! Major League Baseball manager Jim Tracy here. Me and my new friend Al Trammell were let go by our teams on the same day, so the folks at this website thought it’d be great to team us up to chat with you fine folks out there on the Internet, and share with your our experiences playing and helming the greatest game in the world.

Now, I gotta say, coming down the stretch, I was braced for the worst. I expected McCourt to cut bait with me back when they neglected to renew my option for next year, so I’m taking this turn of events in stride. Still, though, losing your job – either by choice, like me, or by getting fired, like Al – is a tough row to hoe, and it’d be even tougher were it not for the help and support of some folks.

First and foremost, I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank my buddy Bill for sticking up for me after my mutual parting-of-the-ways with the Dodgers. In case folks forgot, the role of the press is to be there to stir things up, and ask the questions most folks are afraid of or don’t know to ask. I know Paulie, all nice and cozy in the comfort of his air-conditioned office, pointing and clicking to his heart’s content, didn’t like Bill taking shots at him day in and day out. It’s part of the business, though – you’re there to be second-, third-, and fourth-guessed, and sometimes folks need to roll with the punches to prove they’re worth swinging at. And, really, given some of the moves he made this past offseason, it’s no wonder Bill and other blue-bleeding folk were pig bitin’ mad about this year’s team. Hopefully, Paulie will learn his lesson and not do to the new guy what he – inadvertently, I’m sure – did to me.

Al, I’m sorry, I’ve been hogging the microphone. You have anything to say?

TRAM: …

TRACE: Um, Al? You there, buddy?

TRAM: I can’t believe they fired me.

TRACE: There you are!

TRAM: Unreal. Thirty win improvement in one year, and they fire me. Like I’m some stand-in lame duck. Like it’s my fault I had to play Omar Infante all the time. Like I’m the one that signed Ordonez and that free-swinging slaphead.

TRACE: Ha, ha! Like I said, being let go is tough.

TRAM: Oh, yeah – and Troy Percival. That was a great move, too. Nothing we needed more in Detroit than another washed-up pumpkin chucker making millions of dollars. And speaking of washed-up pumpkins, I’d like to give a speicial “shout out” to my “homey”, Da Meathead, for speaking up about me after I’m gone. You’re a class act, without the “cl”.

TRACE: Ha, ha! I hear that. You see what I got for Christmas last year? A smirk, a merc, and a jerk! Wish I could find the receipt! Anyway, for all you folks worried about where I’ll end up . Don’t worry. Folks know what I’m capable of, and there are plenty of jobs out there for me, be it managing, or general managing, or even broadcasting. The great thing about being in baseball is that, once you remove all the backstabbing and double-dealing and shady shenanigans, it’s just one big happy family. It’s like one big 26-team house. Or 30-team – I forget. Everyone knows everyone else, and everyone knows what everyone’s capable of. And the experience you get in the major leagues cannot compare – I repeat, it cannot compare to the experience you’ll get playing any other sort of baseball. Why else do you think folks always seem to hire folks that used to do this or that for other teams? Experience, that’s why. For instance – not to rub salt in the wound, Al – but rumor has it that the Tigers are looking to hire former World Champion manager Jim Leyland.

TRAM: You can’t be serious.

TRACE: From my mouth to your ear, Tram.

TRAM: Unreal.

TRACE: I know it’s tough to cope with, Al, but you have to admit, he’s got a great track record.

TRAM: Track record? Track record of what? What in the hot sticky hell of hells has Jim Leyland ever done? I hope Bond and Nate have Doug Drabek on speed dial, so they know what to do when Jimmy Boy leaves them in there for 150 pitches. That walking coffin nail managed the greatest hitter to ever play the game THROUGH HIS PRIME and won nothing! Hell, he ran one of the most talented teams of the 80s and 90s into a brick wall every damn year. If Bobby Cox is a genius, them Leyland’s gotta be a god or a demigod or something! And – no doubt his crowning achievement – he lead the best team video rentals can buy to a World Series win. And then ran like a chicken the minute times got tough. Christ, Jim, YOU could win a ring if you had Kevin Brown & Al Leiter & Gary Sheffield. Eight years ago. (Hi, George.)

TRACE: Al, I see what you’re saying, but you can’t fault the guy for showing up for work. There have been plenty of teams with talent that went nowhere fast. Take a look at the Dodger teams I managed. Once upon a time, they were chock-full of talent: LoDuca, Karros, Brian Jordan, Adrian Beltre, Hideo Nomo. Guys that could win you ballgames. More importantly, guys that KNEW how to win. A break here or there, those teams could’ve done something. It’s too bad Mr. DePodesta didn’t see it fit to stick with these proven guys. Sometimes, you gotta look past numbers and making moves for the sake of moving.

TRAM: Yeah, like firing a guy with a THIRTY WIN IMPROVEMENT under his belt. Hey, Jimmy, if you’re reading this – good luck getting that hot-tempered no-talent ‘roid case to not call for the fastball every time someone reaches base. And ask for a nice signing bonus – Salem Lights ain’t cheap. And, hey, how about lobbying Double D to sign AJ Burnett, Jimbo? He’s already broken in! Pairing him with I-Vanna Be The Center Of Attention should do wonders for clubhouse morale!

TRACE: Ouch! Looks like someone got their tail caught under a rocking chair! Speaking of morale, Al, and this kinda goes back to what I was saying earlier – one thing you cannot underestimate is the impact of personnel moves on the make-up of your clubhouse. Now, don’t get me wrong – guys like Jeff Kent and JD Drew and Milton Bradley are fantastic hitters. But, as you folks know, great hitters aren’t great people. There were lots of problems with this year’s Dodger team, and the lack of chemistry was no doubt part of the problem. Also, I dunno what folks are thinking, giving money to a guy as brittle as JD Drew.

TRAM: Oh would you just stop?!! The Dodgers would’ve run away with the division with the team they had. Newsflash: Drew hurt himself BECAUSE HE WAS HIT BY A PITCH ON HIS WRIST. And even so, if you weren’t so dead-set on playing crap hitters all the time, and letting your starters hang themselves, and relying on chumps all damn day to get key outs, you might actually still have a damn job, you stubborn know-nothing asshat! I would LOVE to see you flail around in a division with teams that can actually win a game more than once every three days.

TRACE: Al, with all due respect, I know you’re hurting, but you lost 100 games your first season as a manager, and never finished above .500. I’ve won 85 games or more four times, and even managed a win against the eventual National League Champions. Now, honestly, you were a great player and all, but who do you think knows what they’re doing when it comes to the game behind the game? And who do you think folks are gonna listen to – an ex-jock, or a guy with actual credentials?

TRAM: Oh, I’m sorry, Trace. Were you talking? I couldn’t hear you because I was too busy polishing my World Series ring.

TRACE: Yeah, you and I-Rod.

TRAM: TO HELL WITH I-ROD. Hit another single, you spastic f-

TRACE: OK, then. On that note, this is Jim Tracy, manager of the 2004 NL West Champion Los Angeles Dodgers, saying SWING FOR THE FENCES!

TRAM: Don’t you mean, “this is Jerky McJerkington, saying HAVE YOUR BEST HITTER BUNT THE RUNNER OVER WITH ONE OUT IN AN EXTRA INNING GAME?”

TRACE: Al, goddamn it, shut the Hee Seop up!