I am so sick and tired of these media pinheads giving this Alex Rodriguez jerk all this undue attention. If it’s not about his totally ridiculous contract, then it’s about him failing to live up to that contract during meaningful baseball games. If it’s not about him sunbathing in Central Park like some homeless drug addict, or him playing illegal poker, then it’s about him cheating on his wife with a blond stripper bimbo. If it’s not about him fighting with Yankee captain Derek Jeter because he’s not feeling loved, then it’s about him fighting with people on other teams for acting like a spoiled little girl. And, news flash Alex, no one cares any more.

Let’s face it, baseball’s been falling out of favor with Americans ever since 1996, when the big bad New York Yankees began lording over all of baseball with a wallet bigger than Rosie O’Donnell’s backside. Ever since that year, the Yankees have bought their way into championships, leaving less fortunate teams dying in their wake. They don’t care if you beat your wife or used drugs or even hit the ball – if the Yankees think you can help, then you’re a Yankee.

So, of course, it’s no wonder that the Yankees ended up acquiring the 2nd-most hated player in all of baseball, Alex Rodriguez. (This is a Bonds-Free Zone, too, so don’t expect any talk about that no-talent tax-fraud steroid case.) Only a town as corrupt and biased as New York could think itself big enough to handle an ego-gone-wild such as Rodruigez’s. Any man that shamlessly lets other people call him A-Rod clearly has some issues.

As New Yorkers know, ever since Rodriguez put on those pinstripes, he’s been nothing but trouble. You can’t go more than a day with some picture in some paper showing Rodriguez doing something stupid, like slapping at someone’s glove, or making an error. His kind – the money-grubbing pay-me-now kind – love this sort of attention, though. They thrive on being in the public spotlight, even if they claim they don’t. They love having their egos massaged and stroked like they’re at some Taiwanese massage parlor getting a Happy Ending.

Why else would he do something so stupid as to go out in public with the women he’s cheating on his wife with? Why else would he yell “Ha” or whatever at a guy trying to catch a baseball? Those are moves that scream, “Love me, listen to me, feed my ego, make me feel better about my shortcomings and small penis.”

It’s about time the media stops feeding this guy’s press lust. So right now I’m going to do all you beatwriters and know-nothing talking heads a major favor and lay out a game plan that you should follow for the rest of the season, if not the rest of Rodriguez’s career. If you follow this advice, you’ll teach that prima donna and his type a serious lesson. If you don’t, well, you’re all nuts.

First of all, just stop talking to the guy. Take all the questions you’d ask him, and find someone else on the team to talk to. After all, the media controls the spin, so Rodriguez will only be as much of a story as the media allows him to be. Let’s use that well-known media bias for some good, for once.

Talk to the backup catcher, talk to the ballboys, talk to the traveling secretary. You could talk to the girls waiting to get in Jason Giambi’s smelly jock strap. Talk to anyone except Rodriguez, because he can’t be the story anymore.

Second, don’t even refer to him in print or on television. If he’s in a picture you’re publishing, block him out. Put a picture of a crying baby or Mr. Yuck in its place. Refer to him as “the Yankee third baseman,” or “that player who can’t get the big hit in the clutch.” Remember, he gains strength and satisfaction every time he’s mentioned in the press. His kind always do.

And, as an aside, a word of advice from a Peabody Award-winning journalist: do your job with some imagination. Don’t just go talk to the guy with the most homeruns, or the highest batting average, or the most strikeouts. Try looking beyond the obvious stories and focus on what really matters. On the Yankees alone, there are at least 24 other guys whose stories could be told, and maybe more. Every story written about Rodriguez is a story that’s not written about a truly great player, a low-profile soldier like Derek Jeter.

Of course, these moves are going to make him want to come up to you and ask what you’re doing. This is where you have to get creative. You could do what a lot of kids do, and have him “talk to the hand” – it’s crude, but it works. I’ve won tons of arguments with Geraldo by just putting up my hand. You’d think he just got asked about Capone’s vault, he’d get so flustered.

You reporters could pretend you don’t hear him, or listen to music on headphones, or pretend you received a very important cellphone call about your wife burning down the house. If there’s someone else around, you could quickly start another conversation and drown him out. In this case, it’s best to “buddy up” with a fellow colleague, so the interrupting conversation’s not too awkward.

The point in all these examples is to shun him, and make him aware of the shunning. Make him aware that the press is fed up with his nonsense and wants nothing to do with him anymore. That’s the only way you can get him to stop. It’s time for you pinheads at ESPN and the YES Network and other sports media providers to step up to the plate. And with the baseball world descending on yet another boring Red Sox / Yankees series, it’s imperative that this happens now. Do the right thing for once in your life. Stop talking about Alex Rodriguez.

Bill O’Reilly’s first work of fiction, Those Who Tresspass: A Novel of Television and Murder, is 320 pages long.