Well, I finally figured out everything there is to know about baseball. That’s the good news.

The bad news is: I finally figured everything out about baseball.

Over the years I’ve covered this great, frustrating, wonderful game, I guess I’ve gotten a reputation as one of the guys who actually knows stuff, coupled with an aw-shucks writing style and a pleasing quixotic attachment to lost causes: namely, the Kansas City Royals and baseball in Portland. But all that is a bunch of hooey. Because I finally figured it all out.

I have come up with a statistical model that can correctly predict how each ballplayer will do every year, and, consequently, how each team will do. This model will also pretty much predict how every player will do in every single at-bat against every pitcher.

I have debated with myself and my sabermetric colleagues about whether or not to share this information with the world. But I have determined that there are NOT things man was not meant to know. Cold hard dispassionate science must carry the day. Plus, I’m gonna be rich as a god damned king and probably win the Nobel Prize for Economics. What would you do? I thought so.

Some might worry that this information will take all the “fun” out of baseball, but all I have to say to them is, “Nuts to you, troglodyte!” Oh, and “ROYALS IN 2009!”

So, as the Temptations or some other African-American vocal group once sang, “People get ready….”