TMQ admits, he just doesn’t understand.
Week after week, thousands of E$PN.com Page 2 readers flock to this column for the longest in-depth weekly analysis of the great game of football available on a free ad-laden website. (TMQ would also be happy to add “best” and “most intelligent,” but his Christian faith and tendencies towards self-deprecation preclude abusing those adjectives, even if he can now call both Bill Simmons and Rick Reilly co-workers.)
One of the reasons for so much return business is that this is one of the last repositories for sportsmanship alive left in the world. Everywhere, the barbarians have overrun the gates, the center cannot hold (without incurring a costly penalty), and rough beasts slouch towards Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Ordinary hard-working red-blooded Americans across the country seem to enjoy TMQ’s sermons about how college coaches should not run up the score against weak opponents, or how college coaches should not leave their contracts to take other jobs, or how the NBA is a horrible boring league of dusky dope-smoking malcontents while the NFL is jam-packed with stellar citizens of all races slapping each other’s hindquarters in the name of simple joy. And of course it would be quite unlike TMQ to neglect the hit-counter impact that the weekly cheer-babe siren-song has had upon those looking to stoke their mid-morning work-week fires.
While TMQ’s commitment to cheer-babery has never been under suspicion, the commitment to sportsmanship has been thrown into question. As loyal readers know, TMQ recently selected the Pittsburgh Steelers’ James Harrison as the 2008 Entertainment and Sports Programming Network’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback Non-Quarterback Non-Running Back National Football League Most Valuable Player. Otherwise known as the ESPNTMQNQNRBNFLMVP, pronounced “Q-y.” This was, presciently, before he made the single greatest play in Super Bowl history by running back a 100-yard interception TAINT at the end of the first half of Super Bowl XLIII. TMQ also recently praised the rest of Harrison’s Super Bowl performance (in a column you’ve already read and enjoyed, I would hope, but here’s another link just in case).
But lo and behold TMQ’s championing of the undrafted and unwanted Harrison has become controversial. Man the barricades, 13-year-old Official TMQ Son Spenser! Certain yahoos are yammering away in the comments section about Harrison’s costly unsportsmanlike conduct penalty during the game, an infraction for which no less a personage than John Madden said that Harrison should have gotten the boot. These nattering nabobs of negativity are accusing TMQ of hypocrisy on this matter. Heaven forfend! Furthermore, some of these armchair laptop pundits are pointing out that Harrison was accused this season of hitting his girlfriend with the same eager open-hand technique that he used to subdue hapless Cardinal Aaron Francisco during said penalty. Some go so far as to say that TMQ is selling out his own tendency to pontificate on the personal lives of others. My stars!
Some serious accusations have been leveled at TMQ. So serious, in fact, that TMQ will forgo his usual florid digressions into all things astronomical, political, sociological, economical, ecological, military, and (most importantly) science-fictional. (That the TMQ DVR is experiencing some technical difficulties might be contributing to this state of affairs, but never mind.) TMQ will also limits its usual cheer-babe mention to this brief aside: watching nubile faux cheer-babe Hayden Panettiere (of NBC’s misbegotten fantasy-fiction series Heroes) twist and contort her broken body as if it were a disjointed G.I. Joe figurine was certainly Must-See TV for all the senses. Fun fact: my spellchecker thinks Hayden’s last name is Pantyliner! And speaking of must-see, here’s a pic of Hayden in her Friday night best to rah-rah your sis-boom-bahs away.
But yes — TMQ will address these Harrison-related concerns in a straight-forward and immediate manner. To wit:
a) Replays show that Harrison clearly did not actually punch Francisco. Instead, he merely held him down on the ground after initial contact with a closed fist, and then pushed him away with an open hand (and no doubt a heavy heart) multiple times. Contact continued after the initial flag-earning hit because the play had not been whistled dead. The penalty was rightfully assessed. The game continued. This incident was no worse than the sort of inter-team jostling you see occur during and after any other football play. And it was a far sight better than that awful display of “manhood” that took place at the Palace at Auburn Hills one sad and tragic night in November of 2004. From what I can see in people’s comments, context for this completely harmless act is desperately needed.
b) The assault and criminal mischief charges against Harrison were dropped after Harrison underwent anger-management counseling and psychological counseling. If the incident is no longer a legal matter, then it should no longer be a public matter. Or, as Official TMQ Brother Frank, a respected federal judge, says, “If it’s not legal, then it’s not public, especially when the gentleman in question towers above TMQ like Taipei 101 dominates the landscape of Taiwan.” Sound words to live by, Frank. The other Official TMQ Brother Neil also has some advice regarding this matter, but this is a family column.
c) If John Madden is to be trusted as an authority on all things football simply because of his past glories and his association with a financially viable video game franchise, then I should be entrusted to make sure the monies promised by the government’s ill-conceived economic bailout plan are distributed and implemented as expected. But I am no Adam Smith, and John Madden is no Tim McCarver. TMQ believes the turducken has gone to Madden’s head and severely impaired his critical (and ocular) faculties. In this light, maybe Madden should consider becoming an NFL referee.
d) With the ESPN ombudsperson having become the former ESPN ombudsperson, all of your misbegotten and ill-informed complaints and concerns have entered the same egress saved for Nigerian money scams and unsolicited Toys-R-Us ads. His spam-filter’s thirst slaked, TMQ is inspired to end this column with a haiku:
A flag has been thrown
For e-web jackassery;
Y’all can suck deez nutz
Gregg Easterbrook is a former fellow of the Brookings Institution.