Hey yo! It’s your goombah, Paulie Walnuts. You probably didn’t know this about me, but along with being a handsome fuck and a great lay, I got a great record of picking games. Last five years, I finished 2nd in my pick’em league 3 times, and third twice. Fucking Christopher, may he rest in piece, that kid always stuck it in my back like that kid with the dyke. That greasy fuck had the Colts going all the way last year, no foolin. Who the fuck woulda made that pick if he weren’t tooting the rooty-tooty fresh and fruity? But yeah, you know that Hank Greenberg fuck on the ESPN, that guy with the horses and the five chins, he ain’t got shit on me and my razor-steel-trapped mind. Hey, Hank – why don’t you go get all sweaty with your fat little Schwami buddy and fuck off back to your Matzoh ball soup?
Anyway, now that the season’s right around the corner, you’re probably asking yourself, hey, Paulie, who the fuck should I bet on? Well, I’ll tell you who you should bet on. Every week, here on this thing, I’ll give you my expert analysis on who to go with, and who to avoid like they stuck their sausage in your grandma’s mortadell. Now, of course, I can’t guarantee that you’re gonna win every single time – even God took a day off, don’tcha know – but who you gonna believe? Some fat sack of fuck about ten steps away from a triple-bypass, or your uncle Paulie? Alright, let’s do this shit!
New Orleans @ Indianapolis (-6): What the hell is this shit? Last year was a fluke, I tell ya. That Peyton Manning guy (who’s a little light in his loafers if you know what I mean) didn’t win a damn thing last year! It was the Pats and Bears giving it to him. If you pick the Colts, then I hope you’re ready to pick my foot outta your ass, because I’m gonna make some room up in there for your head! Take the Saints – that Reggie Bush, he’s a fast little guy with a dark-skinned complexion. (I’ll try not to offend the more “sensitive” “limp wristed” “wants terrorists to kill America and molest our kids” sensibilities of some of you folks out there.)
Philadelphia at Green Bay (+3): Brett Favre, that fucking guy. I tell ya, he reminds me a lot of Chrissy (God rest his soul) – total fuck-up growing up, doing drugs and all sorts of stupid shit, fucking anything that stops to take a breath, then finally straightens up and makes good. (If you didn’t see that Cleaver, do it two times – that Baldwin kid’s got it all over his brothers.) I don’t know if Favre’s got that Allah Ackbar Abdul Green guy around anymore, but it’s fucking Green Bay! Against Philly! On the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field! Fuck Philly! That Donovan McNabb, he’s like the Peyton Manning of his fucking team. If he ever wins a big game, then I’m Pat Fucking Sajak spinning Vanna White on my wheel of fortune. Take the cheese, and take the over. 43 points? Favre can drop 43 rolling out of bed shooting the ball out his ass.
And now for my BALL BUSTER PICK OF THE WEEK. This is a guaranteed lock! You can put this shit in the bank, watch it make lots of money, and then go buy yourself a steak dinner for you and your goomar every day for a month.
Detroit at Oakland (-1 1/2): SILVER AND BLACK BABY! Now that they got rid of that good for nothing Randy Moss (& he’s over in fucking New England with Vito and his fanook pals getting knocked up by Tom Brady), the pride is back! And you know they got it all over these Motor City fucks. Pickin a wideout with the first pick? What kinda strunz makes that move? Everyone knows you gotta get a QB or a running back with that pick, or you end up with stugots. I tell ya, ever since they shitcanned my guy Wayne Fontes, that town’s been shit, the team’s been shit, and every time I see those turkeys on Thanksgiving (you get it? turkeys on Thanksgiving?), it works my agita like Joe Frazier working a bag. Take the Raiders for about 3 large, and you can thank me later (when I come for the vig).
Alright, ladies – that’s all the knowledge I got for this week. This is Paulie Walnuts, saying andate tutti a fanculo with love! And remember what Uncle Paulie says: always bet responsibly, especially if it’s not with your money!
Peter Paul Gualtieri, aka Paulie Walnuts, is a former Waste Management Executive of Barone Sanitation.