Congratulations are due to Commissioner Bud Selig for his courageous policy against the use of performance enhancing drugs in baseball. It took a lot of hard work and time and patience, and some help and support from the US Senate, but finally baseball has an anti-steroid policy that will protect baseball from cheaters and false records, and lets fans know that the game is cleaning up its act. However, there is some fine print in this tough new policy that I think is unnecessary and might end up hurting baseball more than it helps baseball.

If you read the fine print in the policy, you’ll find a small section that talks about banning the use of amphetamines, and punishing those that use these supplements. I don’t agree with this part of the policy for many reasons. First of all, amphetamines – or “greenies,” as players like to call them – are a part of the game, and a part of the game’s history. Greenies are as much a part of baseball as pepper and shaving cream pies. Hank Aaron is on the record having said that a lot of his teammates used greenies on a daily basis. I hear they also get mentioned a lot in Jim Bouton’s Ball Four book, which gives you an idea of their historical importance.

I can imagine that lots of great baseball moments wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for greenies or “player’s coffee” (which is coffee made with greenies). A baseball season is very long, and it’s hard to make it through all those regular season games (and playoff games) just through clean living and the occasional day off. I remember, my last year in the league, when I was an Oakland A before the days of Moneyball, I was under the impression I was drinking player’s coffee before every game. Instead, I was drinking “coach’s coffee” (which is coffee mixed with various types of alcohol and pain killers), and I had one of the worst years of my career. I was lost out in the field, and doing things at the plate that Sally Leaguers wouldn’t do, like not being aggressive at the plate and walking a lot. It took until mid-June before I realized that I was taking the field drunk every day! That’s why I was walking so much – I was too tired and confused, and couldn’t be as aggressive at the plate like I wanted. If baseball bans greenies, then lots more players are going to take the field three sheets to the wind, and lost their aggressive edge. That isn’t good for baseball, fans of baseball, or baseball players.

My main question is: what’s the difference between amphetamines and, say, caffeine? It would probably take a six-pack of Coca Cola (which used to contain actual cocaine!) or 10 Snickers bars to equal the boost of energy a player could get from just two little green pills. Would baseball rather have their players rotting their teeth and getting fat, or would they rather have their athletes operating at their highest level? If you’re going to ban amphetamines from the clubhouse, then why not ban other “enhancing substances”? Why not remove all soda machines? Why not ban champagne from clubhouse celebrations? Why not get rid of all tobacco products, or anything that contains Nutrasweet (a cancer-causing agent in lab rats!), or even sports drinks? A drug that changes the physical make-up of your body should be banned, I agree, because changing your body illegally is wrong, especially if it makes your head grow! But greenies don’t change your body any more than aspirin or cough syrup do. Where do you draw the line?

I say baseball shouldn’t ban greenies. In fact, I think baseball should do the opposite and promote the use of greenies. Here’s why: for one, it would speed up games. A lot of the reason for the length of today’s baseball games – which bores fans in the stands and at home, as well as broadcasters in the booth (good thing Yankee announcer John Sterling introduced me to “broadcaster’s coffee”!) – is that players are dragging their feet. They take their time on the mound, in the batter’s box, on the basepaths. If everyone popped a few greenies before each game, I bet you games would speed up because the players would be excited and ready to go. Also, excited players excite the fans – people love scrappy hustling players like David Eckstein or Neifi Perez. Imagine if everyone on the field was that energetic and full of hustle. It would be a great time for everyone, including the players and the fans and the media.

In addition, greenies would allow baseball to return to its more traditional, smallball roots. Everyone knows that the decline in pitching and the increase in homeruns is directly caused by the rampant use of steroids in baseball. With this new policy in place, players aren’t going to be able to swing for the fences every time like they used to. They’ll have to learn how to manufacture runs, steal bases, and do the little things like move runners over and hit singles, and save the home run for when they really need it. That’s why this year’s White Sox team was such a great story – they played small ball in a world that relies on free-swinging home run hitters and slow people clogging up the bases.

Widespread use of greenies will help ease baseball’s transition from its disgraceful muscle-bound recent past into a brand new future of speed and excitement. I bet you players that never thought of running the bases like Maury Wills or Scott Podsednik would be itching to try and take second at every opportunity. It would keep fans interested, too – they’d never know who’d be next to try and steal a base. It might also bring back the greatest play in baseball, a play that (before this year’s White Sox) was rarely used, if it was ever used: the stealing of home. What’s more exciting than seeing a baseball player take off for home plate as the pitch heads towards the catcher? I don’t think anything is that exciting. And that’s why I think baseball should let greenies stay in baseball.