Michael,
What is that smartass Mussina’s problem with you?
Bill M., Brooklyn, NYC

Bill,
I wouldn’t go so far to call Mussina a “smartass” (your word not mine). He graduated from Stanford University, a very top-tier school for sports and academics. He’s also been one of the top pitchers in the American League for his career, and is right now the Yankees’ best starter, if not the best starter in the AL (with then Yankees’ own Chien-Ming Wang a very close second). But “smartass” is such a strong word. Even if we don’t talk as often as he’d like, I have no problem with the guy when he’s doing well, and right now he’s doing very well.

There was an issue of sorts when Mussina made some ill-advised comment about an A-Rod error costing the Yankees a game a while back, but that happens. Even the smartest guys say dumb things from time to time. Also, you can’t underestimate the pressure of the Big Apple. Sometimes folks that aren’t used to New York say things they shouldn’t and that has to be expected from certain folks. It wasn’t so long ago that Mussina was pitching in the low-pressure, no-win confines of Baltimore – having to play for a 26 World Championship team is bound to make someone feel some stress, and that causes things to happen. As for Mussina being a racist, or a jerk or a wifebeater or a pederast or a tree-hugging commie pro-stem-cell baby-killing murderer that happened to be in Colorado visting an underage beauty pageant contestant some night about 10 years ago – well, I don’t want to say anything about that without knowing anything.

Hey Mike,
What’s on your ipod?
Mookie P., Boston, MA

Hey Mookie,
Speaking of Boston, I’ve been listening to a lot stuff in preparation for the Touch & Go 25th anniversary show. I wish I could go but I’ll probably be working. I used to be a big Jesus Lizard fan once upon a time. I saw them once at Brownie’s in New York City and got David Yow to rest his testicles on my forehead during “Rodeo in Joliet,” second only to meeting President Bush on my personal Top Ten. I heard that Oxbow is the next best thing to the Lizard these days but I can never find their records when I go to Sam Goody. I really looking forward to the new TV on the Radio album as well. I heard it’s very exciting. I’ve also been meaning to get the new Pink Floyd DVD – The Division Bell is an underrated record, and if you’ve heard any of Roger Waters’ solo work, you know David Gilmour is the undisputed heart of that group. Highly recommended.

And, of course, my own personal anthem, “Promiscuous Girl.”

Mr. Kay,
Kent Mercker or Steve Stone?
Matt B., Chicago, IL

Mr. B,
It’s sad when players and announcers get into arguments over their job. Just as a player is supposed to do the best they can do, an announcer has to do his best to report the facts as they see them. Maybe things could be phrased in a more delicate manner, but sometimes the truth hurts, and we’re talking about grown men here. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen and order some pizza.

That said, it’s a lose-lose here – would you rather side with an iffy left-handed crybaby, or a know-it-all old man? If I had my choice, I’d go with Mariano Rivera, the greatest pitcher of all time.

Yo Mikey,
What’s the best title in Hideki Matsui’s porn collection?
Matt C., Milwaukee, WI

Yo Matt,
Hideki’s collection of adult entertainment is nearly as inscrutable as he is. Things like this are things that I would rather not share with anyone, so I haven’t had the chance to view any of Hideki’s movies. However, there are a few titles that I’ve taken note of over the years:

• Super Fun Time Watersport Tubgirl Party
• A Fist In Nine Saves Time
• Dick Rambone’s Barrell of Monkeys Goes Bananas
• Wet Furry Co-Ed Russian Mail Order Sherpa Bitches XII

Have fun shopping!

My man Mikey,
What’s Charley Steiner really like in person?
Danny A., Queens, NY

Hey Danny Boy,
Don’t call me Mikey.

As for Charley, I’ll let my good friend, and the voice of the New York Yankees, John Sterling, field this question.

JOHN STERLING: Thank you, Michael. Well, Daniel, working with Charles Frederick Bartholemew Steiner is undoubtedly one of the many highlights I’ve been blessed to be part of with since becoming the voice of the New York Yankees. After all, it’s rare to work with such a consummate professional as Charley Steiner. His love of baseball is surpassed only by his love of boxing, of sports, of his ESPN commercials, his friend chicken, his donuts, and his unflagging enthusiasm for the Yankees organization. It was an unparalleled joy to sit in the broadcast booth with his melifluous mirth and bellicose boosterism at my side. Who can forget that amazing night in 2003, when the Yankees came back against Pedro Martinez and the Boston Red Sox thanks to the heroic efforts of Aaron Boone? When that wily knuckleball sailed deep into the left field bleachers, Charley and I were so overcome with emotion that we both screamed “THE YANKEES WIN!” in unison as New York erupted into jubilation. It was the highlight of a long arduous baseball campaign, as well as the highlight of a short-lived tenure that will undoubtedly be one of the many highlights of my career.

The Dodgers are lucky to have you, my friend. The New York skyline doesn’t have the same twinkle as it did when your intoxicating breath caressed the gentle foam sheathe of the microphone. The hard-hit groundballs past a diving Jeter don’t have that same zip and zing. Jason Giambi’s prodigious moonshots into the right field upper deck sail a little lower nowadays. And I will admit, when I look out upon the azure beauty of the storied Yankee infield, the pristine cotton cumulus cloud cover, and the monolithic All-American grandeur of the Utz Potato Chip sign near the outfield scoreboard, it’s just not the same anymore. Johnny misses you, old pal. Johnny really misses you. Johnny wishes you’d write him at least once or twice, you know? Is that too much to ask? Think about it, Charles. Just think about it. I’m John Sterling.

Hey There F-ckface:
What the f-ck was up with yr wacko rant on the radio about the Nazis & slavery when it comes to calling a perfect game? Even a knobgobbler like you should know that it’s BAD LUCK to do that sort of sh-t on the air. And anyone with just a little skill, like your cockgoblin buddy Sterling, can dance around the f-cking thing without actually saying OH MY GOD HE’S GOT A PERFECT GAME GOING FOR THE WORLD CHAMPION YANKEES like you just figured out how to play with yourself. You’re a f-cking clown, guy. Stick to staring at teenybopper funbags and eat a cornfilled sh-t.
Larry B., New Mother F-cking York, NMFY

Dear Waste of Flesh,
Thanks for the input, but it is you that are the clown, my friend. If I have to make excuses for you sending a runner around third when the ball is at the pitcher’s mound, it will never be too soon. I have nothing to say to you except that if I see you in the Stadium, I will make you eat your words which will be tattooed on my knuckles and IN YOUR FACE A-HOLE.

Don’t you EVER tell me how to do my job, buddy. I don’t take that stuff from actual pros like Kitty Kaat or Ken, and I sure ain’t taking it from a slap-hitting drunk that still thinks Scott Rolen was a piece of garbage. The issues you have make Nazi Germany look like Aruba in July. I don’t know if it’s “baseball etiquette” to make you eat your own penis, but I’d sure like to find out. As for teenage funbags: if there’s grass on the field, kiss my chunky left buttcheek, you sad little donkey.

Have a question for Michael Kay? Send it to Yard Work, and maybe he’ll get around to vaguely answering it!