There is no hope for the Sacramento Kings this year. The season is over.

Look at the numbers. You do remember numbers, don’t you? Those things that stand for something?

Well, the Kings’ numbers this year are awful. That’s A as in Appalling, W as in Weak, F as in Failure, U as in Ugly, and L as in Loser-esque.

The once-mighty Kings are in last place in the Pacific Division. That means they are worse than the Suns (okay, that’s no surprise) and the Clippers (crazy, but the Clippers are this year’s Cinderellas) and the Warriors (?!?!?!) and the Kobe Bryants.

This is nothing short of tragic. In fact, this IS more tragic than some far-off war or famine, because it’s happening right here. In our own backyard.

Again, let’s look at those things called numbers. Who’s leading the team in assists? Is it our speedy and much-heralded point guard Mike Bibby? No — it’s center Brad Miller. Is Miller leading the team in rebounds? No — that would be much-traveled former Jailblazer Bonzi Wells. Well, at least sharpshooter Peja Stojakovic is leading the team in scoring, right? Um, wrong. That would be Bibby, at a measly 18.6 points per game.

Is it just me? Or are these numbers koo-koo?

Everywhere we look, there is failure. High-priced “last cog in the machine” Shareef Abdur-Rahim is sucking wind on offense and blocking less than one shot a game. Maybe that’s one reason that the Kings have only scored 99.3 points per game this year. Their opponents? 99.3 points per game. Gotta lay that on the big guy’s skinny shoulders.

Coach Rick Adelman must be frustrated. His team is soft and underachieving and in last place. It kind of makes your heart go out to him…until you realize that he used to coach the Portland Evilblazers. So then you just want to punch him repeatedly in the spleen until blood shoots out every hole in his body.

Some have talked about bringing Ron Artest in for Peja. I have already expressed how I feel about this. Even though Peja stinks and I hate him, he is still better than Artest, who is the human equivalent of full-body jock itch. Really, he’s subhuman. He singlehandedly destroyed the NBA last season with his crazy antics.

Remember that game, anybody? Try looking it up, unless you’re too stupid to figure out how to use a computer. That’s right: I said it.

Anyway, Artest is overrated anyway. Just because he is apparently “good” on defense — and that is exaggerated anyway, because Indiana is loaded with great defensive players from A (Austin Croshere) to Z (Jamaal Tinsley). And the last thing we need is a headcase like Artest in town.

Plus, we don’t need him. The Kings are a lot better than everyone thinks they are. Despite our record, we still have a deadly three-point shooter in Peja Stojakovic, a wonderful passing center in Brad Miller, the always dangerous Shareef Abdur-Rahim, and the wizard named Mike Bibby running the point. If you want proof that Bibby is one of the best point guards ever to play in the NBA, check this out: he is the team’s leading scorer. At point guard. How many other point guards manage to lead their teams in scoring? It doesn’t get much crazier than that!

And let’s face facts: Rick Adelman is one of the league’s sternest coaches, and his style just wouldn’t match up well with Artest’s insane paranoid ravings and the constant drool that projects itself outward whenever he tries to speak. Adelman has brought these boys a long way, and it’s going to be a long season if he has to end up playing nurse-maid to an incontinent whiny horrible poopy person like Ron Artest.

If we wanted a horrible poopy person, all we’d have to do is go hang out at the Governor’s mansion! Ha ha, just kidding! It’s just that the great fans of this great team, in this great city, deserve better. And we’ll get it, because we have the best talent of any team in the NBA, bar none, hands down, cut and print, watch your step on the way out.

Buh-bye.

Anyway, here’s my point. The Kings are horrible this year, simply a blight on our fair city. But they are too good for “All-Star” Ron Artest, or really any other player on the market or off. We don’t seem to have a balanced attack, but we are getting better all the time due to our balanced attack, and will end up prevailing over the other teams in the division, and end up with a great playoff seed, unless we finish last, which is inevitable and a distinct possibility. I hate Peja. I love Peja. I often scream out loud here in the office for no reason, then giggle for hours. I sometimes think that pink lizards are crawling all over me.

The Kings are dead. Long live the Kings!

Ailene Voisin is the sports columnist for the Sacramento Bee. She used to cover the Atlanta Hawks for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.