Why do they call it the “Hot Stove League”? The only thing that’s hot about New York in December is what’s going on between the mattress and the quilt in my bedroom! The thought of my husband playing catch with our kids while wearing a Santa outfit makes me so horny, I can hardly contain myself!

There have been a lot of trade rumours surrounding me and Kris over the last couple of weeks. This is what I hate about the Hot Stove League — all the gossip and speculation. Baseball players aren’t trading cards that can be swapped whenever you feel like it. They’re real people with real feelings and concerned families. I know that my husband is a great pitcher and a lot of teams want to have him, but we love New York and want to stay with the Mets. New York is my city now and I don’t want to leave. Plus, there are a lot of crappy cities out there and I’d rather go back to taking my clothes off for guys in stained jeans than move to any of these cities:

• Pittsburgh.We played there once and I vowed never to go back. It’s such a smelly, wretched, unsexy city. What would you rather do — have sex in the back of a car with a view of a parking lot; or make hot, sweaty, steaming love in a beautiful condo overlooking Manhattan? I thought so!

• Toronto. They’ve been spending truckloads of money on pitchers that aren’t half as talented as my man. But there isn’t enough money in the world that could make us play for that team. Canada turned their back on the American flag, and that’s not acceptable to me. Plus it’s so cold up there! I don’t want to walk around with frozen pointy nipples in August!

• Los Angeles. They’ve got Hollywood and great shopping and the ocean and stuff, but they just fired a bunch of people and that makes me nervous. Kris, me, and the kids need stability. Their General Manager was a total babe too! He likes working on computer models, I like to model, and I know I see my pictures on people’s computers all the time so I think we would have gotten along great. But it’s too late for that now.

• Seattle. It rains all the time over there and Kris hates pitching in the rain. And I try not to drink too much coffee. It makes me hyper and when I’m hyper, I start talking dirty. If I drink a coffee and Kris is on a road trip without me, I put the kids to bed, change into a pink nightgown, and call my husband on his cell phone. Usually he’s busy watching his team play but when he hears my voice and I tell him how wet I am he starts paying attention to me instead!

Anyway, I want the Hot Stove League to end so we can get back to watching real life Major League Baseball. I love New York summers. I can wake up every day with the sun shining, spend some of Kris’ money, go to the ballpark. flirt with the teenage geeks working at the concession stands, and get blitzed by 7 PM every night! And then go home to screw my husband until both of our heads spin!