Yo. Nomar’s g-g-groin here. (TED DANSON WHAT!) Yeah, it sucks. Avulsion of the adductor longus muscle. That’s PhD talk for “holding onto your manhood like it’s about to explode while someone sticks a shiv up your brown eye”. Not my proudest moment, for sure – if you’re looking for info about those, talk to Mia. (Oh yeah!)

But, really, Bob Ryan, dude, your team WON the World Series – maybe you oughta, y’know, enjoy it? After all, it’s the Red Sox – you think that stuff grows on trees? And why’re you pickin’ on my boy? Dude doesn’t do ‘roids, man. He’s just, y’know, unlucky. Wrist problems, heel problems, hamstring pulls, ligament sprains, and even little bumps and bruises for yours truly. Guy’s snakebit. I dunno – maybe he’d be healthier if he didn’t spaz so much when he was at the plate. Guy burns 250 calories a game doing that OCD stuff. It’s crazy.

But, yeah, Bob – the reason my boy came into training looking BIGGER is because the guy did a little thing they call EXERCISE. You know, that thing people do to stay in shape and fit into clothes and look, like, GOOD to people besides themselves. Granted, you wouldn’t know about that, Bobbert, since the ony exercise you get is working your jaw and your right hand. Guy flaps more than a duck full of buckshot, I’m serious. Yo, Ryno – you and your curly-haired hetero lifemate should just stop with the gloom and doom, really. And you should also keep your heads out of my boy’s ass. Keep ’em up your own, why don’tcha? Write what you know, right?

As for the World Series thing – yeah, whatever. He got his ring, and he earned that ring. Like bringing in the OC and the Doug did all that much to help them out. Everyone talks about that guy’s “amazing agility” at first base, like he’s some sort of Stretch Johnson or Wacky Wall Crawler or something. Big whoop – if OC and his 90210fers could’ve actually thrown to the bag in a straight line, DM wouldn’t have to pull out his yoga tricks to dig that skeez out of the dirt. My boy, he could wing that stuff from the Green Monster ladder, and it’d get to Minky on a line, no hop. Dude could hop over to the bah between innings, kick back a few with his peeps, and still make the play. Just like Teddy Ballgame. He’s good. Real good. Better recognize before it’s too late – once he comes back, the scissorhands are coming OUT, man, and it’ll be time to slice and dice! Stro Souffle! St. Louie Stewie! KAY WEST! COMMON! CUBS IN THE OH FIVE! ONE!