The Phillies are pretty good.
I’ve been telling you idiots this all season! Ignore ol’ Spart-Dawg at your own peril. And (sorry Ana Maria) it hasn’t really been all about B-Abs. It hasn’t really been about anyone in particular, on the offensive end. This is a team that wins with garbageball, singles and dinks and lucky stuff — sure, All-Chunk Ryan Howard is doing well enough, but have you seen his Defensive Win Shares or his Zone Rating? Ewwwww. Nope, it’s all about the renaissance of Jon Lieber, the puissance of Vicente Padilla, and the kickasssance of Billy Wagner. Um, it’s called pitching. Check into it.
Jason Giambi is NOT back on steroids.
He has three hits in his last ten games, but has scored five runs. How is this, you ask? Doy: he walks. A lot. Can steroids help you walk eleven times in ten games? If so, let’s all go give some steroids to Jose Reyes. Actually, don’t: I hate Jose Reyes. I’m Reyes-intolerant.
Tight underwear is NOT an effective birth-control technique.
Some of my friends aren’t too smart.
Stephen A. Smith is better than you think.
Sure, he bellows and screeches and is occasionally wrong. But that makes him ten hells of a lot better than the other funless troglodytes on TV. DJ Spartsalot loves the edginess of “Quite Frankly.” Anyone who criticizes SAS or Stuart Scott or Scoop Jackson for being “loud” or having an “attitude” is really just being a racist. Does anyone criticize Mike Lupica for being a “loud” guy with an “attitude”? No, because he’s Whitey, and he’s on the Moon. So step off my homiez, yo, or be prepared for some righteous payback. (Joe Morgan, on the other hand, is fair game.)
Dontrelle Willis is NOT over.
All you fair-weather freakazoids who jumped off my man’s bandwagon in July bertter stay away from it now. There’s no room anymore. He’s got five CG shutouts, which is more than Chris Carpenter; C-Carp is having a great season, but come on, even I could have 17 wins for the St. Louis Cardinals right now. Who does Dontrelle have in his corner? Um, okay, Miggy Cabs. But other than him it’s a couple three underperformers, a few nobodies, and a cloud of dust. Gutsy stuff from the young hurler. Oaktown’s 3-5-7, represent!
Lemon sorbet is better than ice cream.
I’m lactose intolerant.
The Royals will NOT break the all-time losses record.
Two words for you: David DeJesus. This guy is a player, and is having a great second half, even if Jay Mohr does like him. He won’t let it happen. Mark my words, suckaz.
Bruce Vilanch is fine in “Hairspray: The Musical.”
Hey, he’s no Harvey Fierstein, but who is? Bruce is kickin’, especially during “You’re Timeless to Me,” my favorite tune in the show. (Yeah, I went to NYCee last weekend. Wanna make something of it?)
Thierry Henry is over — I’ve got Rooneymania!
What, you don’t follow the English Premiership? You’re not down with the best soccer league in the world? Are you kidding me? Man, I’m smoking my EPL Fantasy League; pretty smart of me to load up my midfield with West Ham players, and to start both Defoe and Phillips, huh? Oh, okay, you don’t care about soccer. Perhaps you should try, I don’t know, maybe EVOLVING or something. Get a brain, morans.
Scented oils make for a very sensuous birthday gift for that special lady.
My girlfriend Judith is pretty happy with me right now. Not to brag, but hey: if you got it, flaunt it.
All right, you chuckleheads, I’m out of here. Catch you on the flip flop.
“Spartacus” is a prominent sabermetrician who has appeared on “Ba$eball Tonight.” His website, www.baseballisagameofnumbersyoumorons.com, receives dozens of hits per month.
EPL my ass, everyone knows La Liga is the best soccer league in the world, and its all about Forlan baby, Rooney is shite compared to him.
La Liga my aunt fanny. Behind Barcelona, who are ace with Ronaldinho, and maybe Real “Yankees” Madrid with los Geriatricos, who is there? Whereas in the EPL you have Chelsea and Arsenal and Liverpool and THEN MU, who aren’t so hot this year but Rooney’s going to get 1 million goals because Ruud Boy Nistelrooy has a big horse head. Plus, the mid-table teams in EPL would kill everyone from Sevilla on down. Come on, dude, troll if you must but try a little harder next time.
Oh, and Forlan suxxx. That’s why he had to be sent away from the Premiership. Isn’t he a kind of slacks?
Did B. Vilanch make some of his “hilarious” “comments” about current affairs?
Vilanch:Fierstein::current Randy Johnson:Randy Johnson
He was sent away from the premiership because Ferguson can’t figure out what to do with any remotely talented player. The Villareal is what there is after the big 2. There is a reason that La Liga and Serie A have consistently had more teams in the latter stages of the Championas League than the EPL, take your mid-table teams and shove them up your ass, what do they get you in the end? Nothing.
I think I’ll respectfully decline your offer of a lot of soccer teams in my nether regions, Chris, but thanks anyway. (Although I wonder, a little, about why you would say that. Hmmm.)
Look, I’m not against Spanish or Italian soccer — I am a big Barcelona and Juventus fan, and not just because they currently kick ass on Real and Inter and AC. I’m just down with great left-wing teams with wide stripes on their kit, I guess. But Champions League is pretty spotty generalization for which league is “best” — would you say that the Big Ten is the best basketball league just because they keep getting two teams into the Elite Eight? No, you wouldn’t. Although I probably would. I love defense.
Also, you’re discounting the fact (that’s spelled F-A-C-T, by the way) that the EPL is the most international league in the world, with players from virtually every country. Spain and Italy are still mostly dominated (los Geriatricos excepted) by their country’s players. They are also the most scandal-riddled leagues in Europe, if you don’t count Russia or the Eastern Bloc countries, which I don’t. So what do you have against democratization and internationalism? Or is it just that you wanna ride this hobby horse all the way down?
Look, that internationalization fact (I’m not sure why you felt the need to spell that word since I hadn’t even used the word fact in either of my posts) is biased by the fact that most of the EPL’s international players are from other Northern European countries and the the league is seriously under-represented when it comes to players from the most talented region of the world, CONMEBOL. Serie A has 19% of its players from the region, followed by 17% in La Liga, with the EPL having only 7% of its players from CONMEBOL. Now what do you have against South Americans? Are you racist?
Okay, let’s talk about this. First of all, my mom is part Bolivian, and I’ve rooted for The Strongest my whole life (eff a Bolivar!). So no, I’m not “racist.” Secondly, South American players don’t do well in England — heck, I probably wouldn’t do well there if I was them, the dropoff in the hottness of women is pretty dramatic from, say, Sao Paulo to, say, Wigan. So if I was from Argentina or Peru or whereever, I’d be looking to go to Spain or Italy too. But don’t even try to blame any young up and coming sudamericanos for not wanting to follow in the mighty footsteps of Juan Pablo Angel or Kleberson. However, some of these new Brazilian guys are doing okay, finally. And if my man Jared Borghetti starts lighting it up for Fulham, then we can add Mexico to the mix.
Listen, man: I ain’t hating on Italy or Spain. Juventus is awesome, and so is Barcelona. And it’s always fun to see los geriatricos bump uglies with the laws of diminishing returns. But my point is, euro for euro, EPL is deeper and more fun than La Liga or Serie A. are you saying you’d rather see, say, Espanyol vs. Racing Santander than Manchester City vs. Newcastle Comedy Club? Come on, man, rediscover the deep ancient wisdom inside yourself, because you know that Baron von Spartsalot is right on this one.
Hey, we both love soccer-style football, so we shouldn’t fight. You think you’re right, I know I’m right, it’s all good, tudo bem. Why don’t we take this to the boards and let other people in on this? Check it out, yo!
Honestly, Espanyol is probably my favorite team with no Uruguayans on it, so I’d go with them, plus, they play a very exciting brand of the game so I’d go with the Espanyol/Racing Santador matchup.
Christ man, I was just busting your balls with all this EPL vs. Liga. Yes, the EPL has more depth, at the bottom, but to me La Liga is more exciting in the style they play, even the crappy clubs can move the ball. To be perfectly, I only bag on the EPL because far too many American fans only pay attention to it and neglect other leagues, which really cheeses me off.