In fact, Bonds’ very infamy in his day rested on his alleged taking of certain chemicals to improve his hu-man physique. Any biological unit now living would scoff at these chemicals, which even at their most potent were perhaps equivalent to a seven-year-old’s daily InocShot 24. Back in Teh Bonds Age, however, this was a huge breach of protocol, and many called upon him to leave teh game. He refused, and eventually made it all the way to 746 career home runs before retiring due to leg inflammation, elephantitis, and chlamydia in 2007.
Today, we consider Barry Bonds a misunderstood pioneer instead of a unit to be mocked and slandered. We are still using some of teh very techniques modeled by this hu-man in today’s game. Two of our teams today derive their nick-names from substances taken by Bonds, teh Spokane-Seattle Clear and Las Cremas de Monterrey. We can also thank Bonds for our current players’ heavy body armor, angry denials and chuckling repititions of “Any questions about baseball?” when facing a mediabot or nanoscoop, and teh quaint “throw-back” custom of today’s lockerroom chairs being made of teh lab-grown skin of that extinct species called “bovines.”
But it is truly Bonds’ innovations in the realm of bod-mod that has changed our game teh most. Vidcaps from his time show clearly how his physique went from bizarrely emaciated to normal-sized hu-man in just a few years. While it is true that even these later vidcaps make him look a wrinkled weakling next to current stars like Ameer al Barriq 2.1, J-67-Ramos “Jenny” F8+Q, or Albert Pujols XXIV, Bonds had certainly realized that the athlete’s true goal was to attain maximass, maximuscle, and maxibulk. That so many other hu-mans failed to grasp this is, frankly, noncomputational in our more enlightened age.
What is really fascinating, however, is the k-rage of the hu-man journocracy during this time. Everywhere this unit searches in teh historical record, it finds screed after screed of inflamed rhetoric about how Bonds was a “fraud” or “charlatan” (terms roughly equivalent to our own “decepticon”), how his embrace of bod-mod was somehow a darkened optical subunit for baseball, and how his unparalleled achievements should be deleted from baseball’s records. Nothing could be stranger — or, sadly, more predictable — than weaker units trying to tear down stronger ones for teh very success that led them to become important in teh first place. Ah, Mushnick; ah, hu-manity!
This ends this historical examination of teh record. Long live our alien masters, and go Cubbies!
7280856453 will be a baseball writer many years from now. He will win many awards for his coverage of events like Teh Great Flame War of 3011.